Adam Riff™

12. The Ultimate Deletion (WWE Raw, 03-19-18)

Stray Observations

• "Over one weekend, there was a kiln fire. Sprinklers put it out, but it was a huge smoky mess."
  "Like Winston Churchill." (Bob's Burgers, S08E10)
• Possessed shin (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E04)
• "Ah, yes, the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband. Let's discuss how to proceed."
  "So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin."
  [boos]
  "I have no regrets!"
  "Kevin is currently at the safe house with Captain Holt."
  "How long will he have to stay there?"
  "My friend in the organized crime division says they've been building a case against Seamus Murphy for years, and they're close. They think they'll move on him in the next month or two."
  "So you're saying, Kevin can wait?"
  [boos]
  "You know what, you people are insane! That was gold!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "I feel like Ellen watching her producers go through a haunted house." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "Okay, I've got three words. I've got an 'and,' I've got an 'an' and a 'he.' Now, the 'he' could be a part of a 'the' or the end of 'Apache.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him."
  "Yeah, I love him too. Everybody loves Raymond."
  "Don't."
  "I think that's pretty funny!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "I was lying about the back-up! I came alone! Title of my sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
• "Barf quieter, bud!"
  "You're no barf church mouse, either, bud." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E11)
• "This is not the time to argue, okay? 'Cause right now, we are like the cast of the Jersey Shore, 'cause we got a The Situation." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E11)
• "Maine has beaches! They just have more rocks and family secrets." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E19)
• Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: C
• "Every black man has a friend named 'Cool Breeze.'" (Black-ish, S04E16)
• "Is that supposed to be sushi?"
  "May I present to you freshly-caught Swedish Fish on Rice Krispy Treats. I call it the 'Hudson News Roll.' I know how much you like crap."
  "I love crap!" (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
• "What did you just call me?"
  "Nothing. …Trash humper."
  "That's slander! I don't do that with trash!"
  "Oh, no? Then what are you doing with that can of Pringles?"
  "Oh, I'm using this as my wallet." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
• "They also said that Liam Neeson is aging into an old woman."
  "…saying that Samoa is barely a Guam." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
• "Oh. I do have a fetish." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
• "Send help! I'm mostly nude in the back of a cop car about to drown with a young boy!" (The Mick, S02E18)
• "Happy birthday to you…"
  "I've always loved that song." (Baskets, S03E09)
• "I've been trying to practice my empathy lately, and my empathy tells me that we should throw a party for Martha or she's gonna try to kill herself." (Baskets, S03E09)
• "It's a great opportunity for me to debut Dill Pickles."
  "Who's that?"
  "He's my character that I told you about."
  "Why not Bread and Butter Pickles? [chuckles] They're so tasty. Have you ever had 'em?" (Baskets, S03E09)
• "Now, when you think about dinner in Bakersfield, you gotta think about Basque restaurants." (Baskets, S03E09)
• "Martha, you look so nervous. Why is that? Is it because of all the Basques?" (Baskets, S03E09)
• "Martha! Get back over here! They have cow tongue! I don't want it, but I want to see someone eat it!" (Baskets, S03E09)
• "I'm 50 now. I can't keep acting like I'm 39." (Baskets, S03E09)
• Andy Cohen (Riverdale, S02E16)
• "My friend's boyfriend plays basketball. They're playing you guys. She took me to a game. I got super into it."
  "Yeah, totally. Kobe Bryant, the Spalding company, two points per basket, love it all." (Speechless, S02E18)
• Speechless Season Grade: C
• Pauly Shore (Alone Together, S01E10)
• "Why don't you just go to the old lady's apartment and take inventory of her stuff?"
  "By myself? What if there's a ghost?"
  "I don't know. Befriend it and write a sequel to Ghost Dad, dude."
  "I haven't seen the first one."
  "…You don't have to." (Alone Together, S01E10)
• "She has pictures of her favourite celebrities up on her wall just like I do. That right there is Clark Gable, A.K.A. the Sacha Baron Cohen of her generation.
  Just out of curiosity, what do you think 'A.K.A.' stands for?
  "Also kinda alike?"
  "…Okay, not bad." (Alone Together, S01E10)
• "As a friend, I'm letting you know that burlesque is the lowest form of art possible. Literally, it's the last failure a woman can have is burlesque, after acting, then yoga, then burlesque. That's it." (Alone Together, S01E10)
• "She once spent three days on a riverboat casino eating nothing but lobsters and champagne before people found out she wasn't really a magician." (Alone Together, S01E10)
• "It takes people years to get to where I am and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever, ever escape me."
  "Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry." (Alone Together, S01E10)
• Alone Together Season Grade: C
• "Fine, but I will freely admit I was getting excited at the idea of a Josh-Julia solo adventure."
  "Sorry."
  "Yeah, what would the shippers even call us? Josh? Julia? See, you couldn't even tell that I swapped the first letters." (The Magicians, S03E11)
• The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story Season Grade: C
• "This is gonna sound like a high question, but it's not. Are black women considered brunettes?" (Atlanta, S02E04)
• A woman approaches Earn and praises what she initially assumes is very convincing blackface (Atlanta, S02E04)

(Atlanta, S02E04)

(Atlanta, S02E04)

• "Do you believe that love can die?"
  "Sure, everything dies. But at least you lived through it." (Atlanta, S02E04)
• Tessa Thompson (Portlandia, S08E10)
• Portlandia Season Grade: D

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

11. Undercover Office Potty (Saturday Night Live, S43E16)

Honourable Mention

• Shane McMahon Grape Lady-ing (WWE SmackDown Live, 03-13-18)
• Baskets Career College commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
• Country lawyer Sam Hill commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
• Halloween store commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
• lilysmom_11 (Atlanta, S02E03)

Stray Observations

• ♫: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – "Crimson and Clover" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E03)

(WWE Raw, 03-13-18)

• "Eddie RZA" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
• "Yin and Yang. Your opposite energies balance each other out. The black is Yin, slow and yielding, like you, Louis, always thinking before you act. The white is Yang, focused and active, like you, Jessica, jumping into action before thinking it through. Your two energies complement each other, achieving perfect balance. It's the reason Tommy Boy didn't work. Too much white. No balance." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
• "The mermaid's name is Seayoncé." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
• "I'm gonna hold on to your food TV." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
• "Do I look like I want to try some bulgogi?" (Black-ish, S04E14)
• The Sunken Place (Black-ish, S04E14)
• "Don't you worry about your only grandmother. She hasn't shown you all the tricks up her sleeve."
  "It's punching. The trick up her sleeve is punching." (Black-ish, S04E14)
• "Innovators don't need to match their athletic gear." (Black-ish, S04E15)
• "As long as they don't eat off of strangers' plates and mix athletic brands, all right? I cannot have them looking like Eastern Europeans." (Black-ish, S04E15)
• ♫: Dr. John – "Iko Iko" (The Mick, S02E17)

(The Mick, S02E17)

• Christine's bangs (Baskets, S03E08)
• "I Am Woman, It's My Store" (Baskets, S03E08)
• "One of them went viral."
  "Oh…"
  "Yeah. Here it is. Two hits?!" (Baskets, S03E08)
• "I know what I'm doing! I used to date a videographer!" (Baskets, S03E08)
• Pop-up skeleton Santa (Baskets, S03E08)
• "No one wants an 'I Am Not Your Negroni.'" (Grown-ish, S01E11)
• "You need the right slogan, like ours: 'Black Dorms Should Matter.' We're trending on Twitter right now. #BDSM. You might've seen it."
  [pause]
  "That may not be us." (Grown-ish, S01E11)
• "I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets. That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing and were only, like, kind of embarrassing." (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it." (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice / On straight fries would be erreally nice." (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "You're lucky the first rule of ska is 'always have an extra set of suspenders.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "I'm putting my foot down."
  "You wear a size four. Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish?" (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "You want to hear some ska poetry? Reel Big Fish. 'I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "I'm such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music. Probably just got to wait until gas prices go down and then seven-person bands can tour again." (Alone Together, S01E09)
• "Well, I'm a tough critic. I almost didn't like The Emoji Movie." (Speechless, S02E17)
• "You can't go to America and start from nothing. That's the lie." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E08)
• "Hallmark invented Valentine's Day, Walmart invented the Fourth of July, and Arbor Day, as we all know, was invented by Carl's Jr." (Corporate, S01E10)
• "2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies." (Corporate, S01E10)
• "America is a corporation / And I hate my supportive parents / North Korea is better than America / And I can't pay my student loans." (Corporate, S01E10)
• "I'll never forget where I was when I found out. I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it."
  "Hm."
  "I lied. I totally finished it. But I felt bad. I think the mayo was expired." (Corporate, S01E10)
• "Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was—"
  "Premeditating a swan murder." (Corporate, S01E10)
• "What's your name again?"
  "Jake."
  "Cake."
  "Um…"
  "You want to sit at the big table, don't you, Cake?" (Corporate, S01E10)
• "I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment." (Corporate, S01E10)
• Corporate Season Grade: C
• Channel Zero: Butcher's Block Season Grade: D
• "Hennessy plus the herb, plus the herb, herb, herb / Yo, I just bought a dinosaur like Nicolas Cage." (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "Dude, if it crashes again, I'm gonna crash my foot in your ass." (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "56 Nights" (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "You want to go slap some butts?"
  "Nah, but I'll watch." (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "You really want to wear all white to a strip club, nigga?" (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "Money is an idea, man. Look, there's a reason that a white dude dressed just like you can walk into a bank and get a loan, and you can't even spend a $100 bill, man. I mean, you need to start acting like you're better than other niggas, and then they'll start treating you better than other niggas."
  "Yeah, 'cause otherwise, you're just another nigga." (Atlanta, S02E03)
• "It's Michael Vick." (Atlanta, S02E03)

A computer-generated smart speaker? (Portlandia, S08E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek