No Closer to Heaven

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Comic-Con 2015 Thursday Programs:

Nick Carter Goes West: From Boy Band to Zombie Western
Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys discusses his first foray into film production with the studio behind Sharknado and Z-Nation. Fellow Backstreet Boys Howie Dorough, A.J. McLean, and The Asylum producers join the panel conversation.

I hate when black people call me "sir." It's discomforting. I don't ever want to be a "sir" – especially to a black person.

NBC is weak

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Previously on Adam Riff™:

Okay, 1. It's 2014. Why are you still handing out CDs? Just share your music on the Internet!, and 2. How can you expect me to give you money for a CD that I didn't ask for?

After declining to give him money, what if I hadn't relinquished the CD-R that he handed me? What if I just ran off with it? Would he chase me down?


SF Pride

After running into a barricade of CD peddlers in San Francisco, I thought: Instead, why don't they figure out how to give away their music à la U2's last album? Somehow force their music onto the phones of passersby.

After passing a homeless man distributing a homeless newspaper in San Francisco, I thought: A homeless tabloid. Homeless TMZ. Homeless BuzzFeed. 22 Things Only Homeless People Will Understand.

And while chilling on a balcony in San Francisco, I thought of chases across rooftops, which led to… Idea: A fake adjoining rooftops course – like a rock climbing wall, but for running/parkour.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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26. Witness (True Detective, S02E01)

Stray Observations


(True Detective, S02E01)

  • "Aspen. That's a boy's name?" (True Detective, S02E01)
  • "You're supposed to savour that."
    "Yeah? Let me try it again." (True Detective, S02E01)
  • "We were created to rule, my love, and the blood of mankind will water our garden, us, and our kin, and our children, and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next thousand years. We are the dead." (Penny Dreadful, S02E08)
  • "Fuck the Trojans" (Ballers, S01E01)
  • Don Shula: "You are an asshole." (Ballers, S01E01)
  • Mixing Belgian waffle batter in a saxophone (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E06)
  • "It feels like all our heroes are counterfeit" – Lance Armstrong, Bill Cosby, Tom Brady (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "You like music. I like music. Maroon 5?" (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "Even though he's the head technology guy at one of the biggest companies in the world, he owns a BlackBerry." (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "Nobody beats the Riz." (Hannibal, S03E04)
  • "I'm all ears. They've just been…redistributed." (Hannibal, S03E04)

#clipoftheweek

Looking forward:

I'll find strength in pain

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When life gives you Don Lemon…

Why is MSNBC still Microsoft NBC? Why hasn't it re-branded as NBC News Network?

Rory: NBCNN can be confused for a partnership with CNN.
Jon: Then Comcast NewsNet. No, that's also CNN. ProNewsTalk?
Rory: NBC News Channel – NBCNC.


Daddy, would you like some sausage?

They see gay cruise; I see women's college.

If gay cruise… Food Network Show Idea:

If women's college… There are gay men who are uncomfortable learning how to butcher and cook meat around straight people?

You know nothing, Jon Yu

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Of all the places to build a castle, Sleeping Beauty built hers across a river.

Without the tunnel, her castle is a dam.


Inside Sleeping Beauty Castle

You ever wonder why the castles in Super Mario World contain so much chain-link fencing?

I'm overseeing Pepe's move to Los Angeles this weekend.

Pepe: Who did Kim Kardashian have sex with, in her sex tape?
Jon: Uhh… Ray J.
Pepe: I think he lives on my floor.

Never Stop Laughing

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[sees poster for Max]

Is that the same typeface as Mad Max?

Oh. They're both Warner Bros. releases.

Two Warner Bros. films with "Max" in the title, one month apart.

[sees trailer for Max]

SAD MAX.


Both Fox releases.

Sony's film adaptation of Uncharted is scheduled for release on the same day as Universal's film adaptation of Warcraft.

June 10, 2016 = Hollywood Thunderdome.

Oh. Sony is also releasing a film adaptation of Angry Birds next May. And Fox has a film adaptation of Assassin's Creed for Christmas.

Can't Bring Me Down

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The Only Game in Town (2015)
Cormack Vertue is an autistic teenager with a unique ability – he never fails to get out at solitaire. This makes him a prime candidate for the school solitaire team and gives him an opportunity to impress Odette, the love of his life. Sadly, his efforts don't go down well with Odette's hockey-star boyfriend Alastair. Cormack's abilities also attract attention from the sinister underworld of championship solitaire.

[pause]

DIRECTED BY CORY ON TRAILER PARK BOYS.

Film Idea: A remake of Speed set on a tech company's plush private bus ferrying employees to work in Silicon Valley.

Sitcom Idea: One man's adventures at weddings. Each episode is set at a different wedding. Think Curb Your Enthusiasm × Party Down.

Halloween Idea: Distribute candy to children wearing a fake and conspicuous ankle bracelet.

Novelty Item Idea: CVS receipt toilet paper.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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25. Walk of Shame (Game of Thrones, S05E10)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Damn, Arya (Game of Thrones, S05E10)
  • Game of Thrones Season Grade: B-
  • "And Filipinos find this amusing? They are a fascinating people." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
  • "You do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home, a home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company giving streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
  • Silicon Valley Season Grade: B+
  • "Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!"
    "Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states." (Veep, S04E10)
  • "Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses." (Veep, S04E10)
  • "Amy Brookheimer, who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell." (Veep, S04E10)
  • Veep Season Grade: B-
  • "It's [dancing] the opposite of homicide. Always look in your opponent's eyes." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
  • "Welcome to the night, Vanessa." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
  • "I'll cry at a human's touch / And crying with a hard-on is too muuuuuch." (China, IL, S03E10)
  • Cat Power as a talking gorilla (China, IL, S03E10)
  • China, IL Season Grade: B-
  • "Johnny Idiot Face over there is never gonna bring you a title." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
  • "He got Miz all over me." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
  • RT: Someone just called Gordon Ramsay "the godfather of steak." (MasterChef, S06E06)
  • "That may have been impulsive." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "Technically, you killed him." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "You cannot preserve entropy. It gradually descends into disorder." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "What were you like as a young man?"
    "I was rooting for Mephistopheles and contemptuous of Faust." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "How did your sister taste?" (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "She's left a trail of successes behind her as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • "He has a history of trashing rooms as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • "I wish I had a story half as interesting as theirs or this guy's dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • Childrens Hospital Season Grade: D+
  • "You know the dangers of diabetic ketoacidosis!" (A Deadly Adoption, 06-20-15)
  • "I don't tape."
    "You will be sorry when I slice your bicep." (Orphan Black, S03E10)
  • Orphan Black Season Grade: C
  • "All the David Sedarises. Or Sedari, I guess?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E03)
  • "White people, and other." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
  • What a year it's been for Yaz (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
  • "So, umm…Walmart. Uhh, how 'bout Walmart?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E05)
  • "Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the expo. Some dude's like, 'If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus. Pegasus isn't a unicorn.' And I'm like, 'In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!'" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • "No one here is people." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • Chang watching a Chinese drama (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • "Red Velvet is shit." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)

#clipoftheweek

Death by 1000 cuts

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Concert Idea: An r&b/hip-hop Royal Rumble – 30 artists only performing collaborations.

To illustrate: Jay Z and Kanye West are one and two. They perform a few Watch the Throne songs. Rihanna enters at three. All three perform "Run This Town." Paul McCartney enters at four. Kanye, Rihanna, and Paul perform "FourFiveSeconds." Paul exits. Eminem enters at five. Jay and Eminem perform "Renegade." Jay exits. Rihanna and Eminem perform "Love the Way You Lie." Rihanna exits. Lil Wayne enters at six. Eminem and Wayne perform "No Love." Drake enters at seven. Kanye, Eminem, Wayne, and Drake perform "Forever." And so forth.

Idea: The remaining Beastie Boys complete/expand the sections of "B-Boy Bouillabaisse" and release them as a mixtape.