Laxachusetts

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Disney's The Breakfast Club
The brain = Marvel/Star Wars
The athlete = ESPN
The basket case = A&E
The princess = ABC Family/Lifetime
The criminal = Maker Studios

Wikia descriptions of season 14 Degrassi characters:

Mike Dallas, the multi-layered alphamale and teen dad repeating Grade 12.

Clare Edwards, the strong-willed, intellectual, compassionate, and sometimes sneaky Student Body VP who has beat cancer and is currently pregnant.

Miles Hollingsworth III, a billionaire bad-boy with charisma who was expelled from boarding school for arson who is bisexual.

Maya Matlin, a young cello virtuoso who is trying to move forward in her life after her late boyfriend's suicide.

Zoë Rivas, a former West Drive star with a passion for fashion who uses her looks, charm, and deviousness to get her way while also trying to cope with her recent sexual assault.

UPDATE: Someone catalogued every sexual assault in Degrassi history!

Lucy and Susie were sexually harassed by Mr. Colby at Degrassi Junior High School.

Wheels was almost molested in a car by a random stranger while he was hitchhiking.

Liz was molested by her mother's ex-boyfriend as a young girl.

Emma was held captive in a hotel room by a pedophile and was almost raped.

Paige was raped by Dean at a party.

Darcy was raped by a serial rapist who spiked teenage girls' drinks at a party.

Jane was molested by her father, Carlos Valieri.

K.C. was almost forced to have sex with a hooker hired by Coach Carson against his will as well as had him watching porn.

Connor was almost molested in a car by his internet stalker.

Bianca was forced into sex with Vince on numerous occassions and was almost raped by her ex-boyfriend Anson.

Clare was sexually harassed by her former boss, Asher.

Maya was sexually harassed by Neil following being cyber bullied and slut shamed online.

Zoë was raped by Luke and Neil at a party.

Tristan was statutory raped by Mr. Yates.

Winston was almost groped by Mr. Yates.

Guided By Vices

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Why didn't I think of this?

Idea: A Photoshopped image of Kevin Smith in age-appropriate clothing, à la normal-looking Guy Fieri.

Reality Competition Idea: Project Runway, but with sneaker customizers. Sneaker customization challenges.

Game Show Idea: Maroom 5. Win $5000 for every consecutive hour you spend in a lightly-furnished room in which Maroon 5 songs play non-stop. Viewers of an online live feed control the playlist.

Idea: A history of film cameos by Matt Damon.

—IFC did one in 2009.
—Hmmph.

Idea: An updated history of film cameos by Matt Damon, one that includes The Zero Theorem and Interstellar.

Infographic Idea: Spread of the Living Dead. After seeing a trailer for a Nigerian zombie film, I wondered how many countries have produced a zombie film.

Film Idea: An adaptation of Speed set on a Chinatown bus traveling from Philadelphia to New York City. The twist ending: All of the characters on the Chinatown bus are personalities of a man with extreme dissociative identity disorder….who happens to be a passenger on the bus in the film Speed!

Cars Can't Snowboard

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Jon: I've been cramming 2014 music in search of selections for my year-end mix, having failed to stay on top of music this year.
Adam: Tell me about it. It's next to impossible to keep up when you have an adult life.
Jon: I totally understand now why Grammy nominations are so lame. Music is a young man's game.

Jon: Did I tell you the cover art for my mix?
Adam: The True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up?
Jon: No, I reluctantly had to abandon that idea. I couldn't make it work as cover art, and couldn't in good conscience waste Jon Wilcox's time illustrating something that has no reason to exist except for my pleasure.

Jon: How much do you think a freelance artist would charge? And would one even bite? "I want a True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up for pleasure."

Jon: Yeah, FIGHT SCENES OF THE YEAR is coming along – seventh annual! I'm also considering CINEMATOGRAPHY OF THE YEAR and THE YEAR IN BONERS montages.
Adam: Are you doing a BEST FILMS list?
Jon: Ehh… I tried drafting a list, but after 1. Whiplash and 2. The Tribe, I don't have any strong feelings. I'm doing a BEST TELEVISION SHOWS list, though. In fact, it's pretty much finalized.

1. Hannibal
2. Nathan For You
3. The Eric Andre Show
4. Rick and Morty
5. Shameless
6. Veep
7. Utopia [UK]
8. Looking
9. Game of Thrones
10. Fargo

Jon: I'm waiting on the Black Mirror Christmas special for BEST TELEVISION EPISODES.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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48. Pain for pleasure (The Amazing Race, S25E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I could not get enough of the ponies." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "The only way to make things right is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable."
    "Dip your penis in vinegar." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "Some things might come easier to you if you stop being such a perfectionist, a concept you should become…familiar with."
    "Familiar with… A dangling preposition?"
    "I'm setting an example. I made an error, and I'm not going to correct it. I'm just going to let it dangle, dangle, dangle." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • Ricky Jay: "We're not magicians." (Getting On, S02E03)
  • "Jacuzzi filled with nipples…" (Mr. Pickles, S01E10)
  • Mr. Pickles Season Grade: C
  • "You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you die… Who employs butlers anymore?" (Gotham, S01E10)
  • "Jess brought me a hot lunch lady. What am I supposed to do with that?"
    "Do sex with the lunch lady. That's obvious."
    "I know how it sounds, but she's, like, a real lunch lady."
    "After she has sex with you, she could put food in your mouth." (New Girl, S04E09)
  • "Rooney is my people." (New Girl, S04E09)


LOOK WHO'S BACK (Degrassi, S14E05)

  • Drinking beer with a straw (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • Young Maurice the god – ha! (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "I'm not wearing any underwear."
    "Then how do you block the dookies? Do they just fall out?" (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "That dude, whoever owns Boingo, got a boat, probably." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Poob implants (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Mac DeMarco does his own stunts (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


(The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)

  • Curtain rod on subway train gag (Broad City, S01E04)
  • Broad City Season Grade: D+
  • Restaurant Startup Season Grade: B
  • Rescuing/reviving frozen Ricky (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • Ricky's previous mishaps montage (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "That's why the A-Team was probably so good, 'cause they got this little shortcut-y path thing right here in the middle." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)

  • "♫ I am like the wind / You can blow me anytime / Just take me in your mouth / And blow me ♫" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Calm the fuck down, Home Alone." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Gary LaserEyes is infested!" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Liquor ball sandwiches (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Bubbles in the laundromat (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)


Drake (Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)

  • Directed by Cory? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)
  • The mortician swinging a hair dryer (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)


Civil Rights Movement shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)

  • "Help my fuck" – Tyrone's catchphrase (Trailer Park Boys, S08E09)
  • Directed by Jay Baruchel? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E10)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C+
  • "They went to the Beverly Center with him like that, mom."
    "Ew! No one goes to the Beverly Center." (Transparent, S01E05)
  • "Is this Zankou? Where's the garlic stuff?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • "You're fucking the rabbi?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C+

#clipoftheweek

A Challenger Appears

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Billy Roberts may spend the rest of his life in prison for grinding his pelvis against women in crowded NYC subways. What makes his story even stranger? Billy has an identical twin that does the same thing.

Debra Farinella loves angels. She has hundreds of them decorating her home. Unfortunately, she has been stealing them from gravesites at the local cemetery.

61-year old Robert Wells is afraid to grow old. He'll do almost anything to retain his youth…including drinking the urine of young boys, which he believes is the fountain of youth.

Robert White tricks women into trying on shoes and then licks their inner thighs as he helps them.

Alex Davis is a diaper fetishist. He is most aroused by soiled baby diapers, which he steals from neighborhood garbage cans in the dark of night.

Rick Sciara, aka Master Rick, runs his own S&M sex dungeon in the basement of his home, where he trains gay sex slaves. He gets in trouble when he begins performing illegal castrations on willing men.

Katherine Drouin is not only an anorexic-bulimic, she is also a kleptomaniac. One addiction feeds the other as she has been exiled from all grocery stores within 20 miles for shoplifting groceries for her daily binge.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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47. The Amazingly Randy (South Park, S18E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It's not that weird to say, 'May I have some cocaine?'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • "I don't always understand Peralta's texts. He says, 'They're still waiting on the lab' and 'It's allz good' – 'allz' with a Z. Then, a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, and yet another box with a question mark. Then, a box with a question mark. What does that mean?"
    "It means you don't have emojis on your phone." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • CGI Atlanta is so flat (The Walking Dead, S05E06)
  • "I want to be the bad boy of public radio, like Elvis Mitchell." (Bob's Burgers, S05E03)


(Mr. Pickles, S01E09)


"I was born without genitals."
"Then where do you go pee pee or poo poo?"
"You don't want to know." (Mr. Pickles, S01E09)

  • The audience booing Grumpy Cat (WWE Raw, 11-17-14)
  • Gotham has a munitions factory (Gotham, S01E09)
  • Sergei from Delocated playing another Russian mobster (Gotham, S01E09)
  • "What's permanent press?"
    "Fake button. Nobody uses it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The way she killed her… So brutal." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "I have no idea how Bobby handled this shit."
    "Yeah. We need to patch in another Jew." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "Therapy's just not something our people do. We have Jesus and baths." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • Nirvana? (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "We make the perfect before-and-after picture." (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "What is that?"
    "It's, uh, speed weed from Taco. I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex, and then after I have sex, I masturbate, and then after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn-on for me."
    "You're jerking off to corn?" (The League, S06E12)
  • "Soft cheese, hard dick!" (The League, S06E12)
  • Tom Condon? (The League, S06E13)
  • "A pax on all of your homes!"
    "Think you mean 'pox,' Ruxin."
    "No, I mean that the only cable network you all should get is PAX." (The League, S06E13)
  • The League Season Grade: C-
  • Scott parodying Frank Underwood (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E16)
  • Mystikal! (Saturday Night Live, S40E07)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Seattle 2

on

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Seattle

October 2014

damn the weather / pie bar / crumble and flake / paseo / hot cakes / rocco's / nacho borracho / babirusa / family dinner / quality athletics / salumi / pizzeria gabbiano / trove / pomerol

Gold Stars


Sweet Potato Dumplings (Damn the Weather)
brown butter, marjoram, pecorino

Caramel Corn (Damn the Weather)
garam masala
—Addictive Indian-carnival fusion.


Salt and Pepper Chicken Skins (Damn the Weather)
chili, peanuts

Shallot Rösti Potato (Pomerol)

"Oh. Heh. The top slice of bread is an 'egg in the basket.'"


Caesar Salad Sandwich (Damn the Weather)
parmesan, anchovy, egg, on brioche

A sandwich I didn't know I needed.

Pastrami Burger (Damn the Weather)
sauerkraut, thousand island, pickles
—A sandwich I don't need.

Drinking Caramel (Damn the Weather)
salt and pepper gelato
—The salt and pepper gelato sits in the caramel like an ice cube and is no joke.


Zombie Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
lime, grapefruit, rum, cinnamon

Salumi is a salumeria owned and operated by Mario Batali's parents and sister.

Porchetta Sandwich (Salumi)
pork butt stuffed with meatball mix and spices, braised for a long time

A different porchetta sandwich than the kind I'm used to, with carrot, celery, and onion instead of crackling and mustard, but no less delicious. It reminded me of a chunky soup.


Smoked Salmon Wings (Quality Athletics)
pickled shallots, coriander honey glaze, pickled peppers

Salmon collars.


Duck Wings (Quality Athletics)
jerk spice, pickled pomegranate seeds

Oof. There was barely any meat on the bones, and it was nigh impossible to extract, so I ingested a scorching jerk spice more than anything.

He made a pasta sauce from scratch?!

Family Dinner (Tony's Flat)
salad / pasta / garlic bread / apple cider

I had no idea how much Tony likes cooking, or how good he is at it.

I heard noise in his kitchen early (0600?) Tuesday morning and wondered what he was doing. Answer: Cooking acorn squash to bring to work for lunch.


Pizzeria Gabbiano is a lunch spot serving Roman-style pizza that's cut with kitchen shears and sold by the kilo. Its seasonally-inspired toppings are hit or miss. I tried one pizza topped with stracoto, stilton, radicchio, and walnuts that was a bitter salad on bread.

Baby Greens, Panna Cotta, Pecans (Babirusa)
—A salad with pudding in place of cheese.

Kimchee Pancake, Chili, Soy (Babirusa)
—An earlier version of this pancake contained octopus too.

Trove is four concepts in one: Korean barbecue, noodle counter, bar, and parfait window.

The parfait window sells two different versions of three frozen custard parfaits – an old school version and a new school version.


New School Banana Split Parfait (Trove)
passion fruit tapioca, chili chocolate sauce, rice crunch

I could not finish eating it. The passion fruit was unbearably acrid. And while passion fruit and chocolate pair well, the chocolate felt out of place.

The glass jar is yours to keep.

Missed Connections

Salmon Hot Dog (Damn the Weather)
cream cheese, onions, salsa verde, on an everything bun

IPA Berry and Pineapple Weed Sorbet (Pomerol)
marshmallow spread, berry compote, hazelnut crumb

#eatersdigest