Adam Riff™

17. Ice Spice (9-1-1: Lone Star, S04E13)

Honourable Mention

• The British Knights Miracle Commercial (Mrs. Davis, S01E01+04)
• Nicholas Alahverdian (Dateline, 21 Apr 2023)

Stray Observations

• "I mean, I'm sick with grief."
  "Oh. You're sick with grief? Well, you might wanna put down that fish taco. You're getting your melancholy everywhere." (Succession, S04E04)
• "Sure, man. I get it. But like, this, this thing is old and you've tried to put him in jail, like, 12 times since then." (Succession, S04E04)
• "You're an addendum of miscellaneous matters in pencil…with a question mark." (Succession, S04E04)
• "He called him the spooky embryo." (Succession, S04E04)
• "Can you believe this shit? He's trying to make Pop into a neoconservative. He wasn't a neocon, he was a paleo libertarian. He was practically an anarcho-capitalist."
  "Yeah, sure. I mean, if you like Benny Hill and Sinatra, does that make you one of those things?" (Succession, S04E04)
• "Oh, God. Oh, she's coming over. Oh, it's so distasteful." (Succession, S04E04)
• "We're calling Kerry a taxi to the subway so that she can go home to her little apartment." (Succession, S04E04)
• "I'm twin track. I'm dead but I'm alive." (Succession, S04E04)
• "Yeah. Right now, I would say considering our dad has just died, we should maybe not shit on Dad." (Succession, S04E04)
• "Just get on it. Unless you want me to pull out the strap-on. [smirks]" (Succession, S04E04)
• ♫: Alanis Morissette – "No Return" (Yellowjackets, S02E04)
• "Oh, let's tell the story of Cinderella, except every character's a train? Ugh. Enough already." (Yellowjackets, S02E04)
• "Sally. Sally! I'm double parked." (Barry, S04E01)
• "When Jim Moss called me and said he was using Gene Cousineau to help capture his daughter's killer, I said, 'Are you telling me jokes? You Caroline Rhea?'"
  "I can assure you he is not Caroline Rhea." (Barry, S04E01)
• "Can I play some music for the table while you have dinner?"
  "Please."
  [rainstick rattling] (Barry, S04E01)
• "Okay, Barry's Splash Brothers of assassins. We need him." (Barry, S04E02)
• "What do you think?"
  "Think only you can get these guys out of their pineapple percussions."
  "Doldrums. Nice." (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• "Now listen, my cousin, Martin Garrix, is DJing at a private all-night party." (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• "Have you got vanilla vodka?" (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• "I have…an ache. An ache for both my lives to be my only life. I don't want to be a spokesperson. I don't want a bunch of apologies. All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella the same way the guys get to kiss their girls. And I know we can't fix every ache inside of us. But I shouldn't have to pretend it's not there either." (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• Chance the Rapper (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• "But the West was liberated thanks to Canada." (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• Piggy Stardust (Ted Lasso, S03E06)
• </The Mandalorian, S03>
• "Everybody I like knows it. Zach and Diego Luna have seen my tweets, so…" (Abbott Elementary, S02E22)
• Jacob's Ketanji Brown Jackson portrait print pajamas (Abbott Elementary, S02E22)
• </Abbott Elementary, S02>
• "Y'all better not be taking no fucking shits back here." (Snowfall, S06E10)
• Boyz n the Hood (Snowfall, S06E10)
• "Y'all ain't gonna win no Oscar." (Snowfall, S06E10)
• "I ain't got no fucking chains on me, man. Hey. I'm free. Free from all of it. In my fucking way. Not yours. And not theirs." (Snowfall, S06E10)
• </Snowfall, S06>
• What race are you?"
  "What?"
  "Are you… I don't want to ask, but I feel like you're Latina?"
  "I'm half-Chinese."
  "Chinese?"
  "Yeah."
  "Amen, sister."
  "Did you say, 'Amen, sister'?"
  "Yeah, I-I wanted to say like, 'Hallelujah' or, like, what's a Chinese, like… I don't want to bow." (Dave, S03E04)
• "No."
  "I'm like… No?"
  "What are you doing?"
  "Kegeling or keegel… I'm making the head just…" (Dave, S03E04)
• "What is this?"
  "Shh. HATCH. Hidden Access Tactical Camouflage Hideout."
  "Those are all the same word." (Mrs. Davis, S01E01)
• "DECK FOR NUN" (Mrs. Davis, S01E02)
• "But you should know I don't move on, Elizabeth. I move towards." (Mrs. Davis, S01E03)
• British Knights (Mrs. Davis, S01E03)
• "Why are you answering his CFC?"
  "Uh, is that a long and stupid way of saying boot phone?"
  "It's an acronym, nun. Concealed Footwear Communicator. Put Wiley on."
  "Wiley's not here. He's, he's MIA, which is an actual acronym." (Mrs. Davis, S01E04)

(Blindspotting, S02E03)

• "God is like the N word to me. Both were given to us unwanted, reclaimed, reappropriated, and now they're whatever Black people need 'em to be." (Blindspotting, S02E03)
• "I love putting my tongue on her tongue and inside her cunt. I absolutely love doing that." (Dead Ringers, S01E01)
• "We just, uh, cut a baby out of a woman's womb. Um, she asked us to. We didn't just, like, do it. But what I'd like to do now, the very next thing that I would like to do, just after I finish these eggs, is fuck my sister in front of you." (Dead Ringers, S01E01)
• "You're framed by labia, Rebecca." (Dead Ringers, S01E02)
• "Raw fermented heirloom gazpacho with razor clam toasts. And here we have mullet roe and squid ink in a wilted greens broth." (Dead Ringers, S01E02)
• "I'm in the wellness industry, and our policy is burn forests and plant trees. Simultaneous. Get there first. We were the first to do raw water, bloodletting. We were the first to do floatation tanks. Trepanning." (Dead Ringers, S01E02)
• "Do you have an issue with money?"
  "She's Pollyanna."
  "Is Pollyanna the orphan with no legs?" (Dead Ringers, S01E02)

(Dead Ringers, S01E02)

• "Fucking dick bunch."
  "As in?"
  "Like a fucking bunch of dicks."
  "Like a bouquet of penises? That's quite beautiful, Tom." (Dead Ringers, S01E03)
• "When this is as good as you think it gets, you haven't got a fucking clue. It's so good. Best fuck. Best drink. Best grind. Best birth. Best nipple suck. Best steak. Best kiss. Best sweat. Best legs wrapped around each other midnight connection. Nothing comes close, Two-face." (Dead Ringers, S01E03)
• </Dead Ringers, S01>

16. Yes! Movement (The Mandalorian, S03E07)

Stray Observations

• "I can't, I can't forgive you." (Succession, S04E03)
• "Oh, man. He never even liked me." (Succession, S04E03)
• "We are highly liable to misinterpretation, so what we do today will always be what we did the day our father died. So let, you know, let's…grieve and whatever, but…not do anything that restricts our future freedom of movement." (Succession, S04E03)
• "We'll get a funeral off the rack. We can do Reagan's with tweaks." (Succession, S04E03)
• "You really don't remember?"
  "Um…no."
  "Tai…you ate her face." (Yellowjackets, S02E03)
• "You keep failing to find what's true about the character."
  "What if I never find what's true?"
  "Then, as my acting coach always says, 'You found the biggest truth of all: We're all made of lies.'" (Yellowjackets, S02E03)
• "Why would you do all of that just to…just to meet me?"
  "Maybe I'm just a…bored Moriarty looking for his Sherlock." (Yellowjackets, S02E03)
• "Man City. I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club where I danced in college." (Ted Lasso, S03E05)
• "Well, you know, a hip-hop song's a great way to get across a message. You know? Just look
  at the hip-hop song 'The Message.'" (Ted Lasso, S03E05)
• "I mean, technically he retired from the whole sport, which makes it feel a little less personal, yeah? You know, like if, uh, your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soul mates."
  "Oh. Yeah."
  "Gina fucking Gershon…" (Ted Lasso, S03E05)
• Brian Gleeson (The Mandalorian, S03E07)
• Skinny Pete (The Mandalorian, S03E07)
• "Damn, America does have talent!"
  "Well, this is light work compared to the real alchemy, Black girl magic."
  "Booo. Shut up and do another trick." (Abbott Elementary, S02E21)
• "I saved enough money to take myself to Ocean City."
  "Jersey?"
  "Maryland."
  "Oooh!" (Abbott Elementary, S02E21)
• "I barely saw your cute self last week."
  "Ugh, I know, PSSA prep has got me busier than Philipps."
  "Now, I told you about them Caucasian references." (Abbott Elementary, S02E21)
• "She plays by her own rules. Made it frustrating to play Uno growing up." (Abbott Elementary, S02E21)
• "Look at where we are, Franklin. What we're becoming."
  "What we're becoming? You think we're the first people in this world to play dirty? Carnegie, Mellon, fսcking Rockefeller?! They were all killers!" (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "The Pentagon spends $250 billion a year on defense. But you needed my pocket change?!" (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "You took it all away from me. You cleaned me out because you wanted me to know who was in charge. You wanted me to feel like nothing, right? Because…you're the hero in your own story. And in your story, the guy that looks like you always wins. But not this time, nigga." (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "I wanted to hurt you so bad…"
  "Why?"
  "'Cause you left me." (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "Like he said, we're willing to—"
  "Shut up!" (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "What prison?"
  "What?"
  "Tell me what prison Alton is in."
  "Are you fucking kidding me? I was lying. He's fucking dead. I shot him twice and dumped his body." (Snowfall, S06E09)
• "Damn. He let you hold the piece like that?"
  "Honestly, I feel a little Malibu's Most Wanted-esque right now." (Dave, S03E03)
• "Niggas need the chain, for sure."
  "Did you say 'for show' or 'fo' sho'?" (Dave, S03E03)
• "No, I don't like to punk people. I'm totally unaffiliated with the show Punk'd. I know that you went on it. And I saw, I watched the Quibi thing. I know that moved to Roku. I know all about that."
  "Fuck Roku." (Dave, S03E03)
• "Okay. It goes on your toes."
  "Oh, like a lube! Cum!"
  "Cum?" (Dave, S03E03)
• "Between me and you, I don't think there's, like, a Black person 14 years or up that I'd feel comfortable fighting." (Dave, S03E03)
• "What's going on?"
  "Bitch, Too $hort is drowning." (Blindspotting, S02E02)
• "Stop the music. Do not shake that monkey." (Blindspotting, S02E02)
• "Damn, y'all bitches done broke Too $hort."
  "It's Todd."
  [crowd booing]
  "Ain't nobody fucks with Todd." (Blindspotting, S02E02)
• "Listen to me! You are not Todd. You are Too $hort. Now, what is your favorite word?"
  "Come on!"
  "I can't. I won't do it."
  [crowd booing]
  "Look, I said, what's your favorite word?"
  "Say it!"
  "I'll say it."
  "It's…it's 'bitch.'" (Blindspotting, S02E02)
• "I'd fuck with him if he wasn't bald." (Blindspotting, S02E02)

15. Have Gun, Will Travel (Beef, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Eating Jackie (Yellowjackets, S02E02)

Stray Observations

• "In Buddhism, sometimes your greatest tormentor can also be, uh, your most perceptive teacher."
  "That's, that's really wise. Um, hey, Buddha, nice Tom Fords." (Succession, S04E02)
• "I mean, I'd love to not go, but I think we kinda have to drink at least a couple of Martini Passive Agressos just to make up, right?" (Succession, S04E02)
• "Maybe…dad is not on it like he used to be, and maybe he's underplayed his hand and the board are all a hand-fucking-picked bunch of Japanese plastic cats just waving it through." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Why am I looking at all this pizza, huh? It's killing me. This is, it's out of control, Tom!" (Succession, S04E02)
• "What do you want?"
  "Uh, do you think they know how to make a vodka tonic?"
  "House red? Do I dare? No, no, no. Just a club soda with a sealed lid. Uh, nothing from that tainted nozzle."
  "Con, what do you want?"
  "Uh, I'll just have whatever a regular Joe would have. Just, uh, Belgian Weissbier. Not Hoegaarden, ideally." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Your cum, I'm sure, is very washable." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Fuck, she's in the East River. She's in the fucking—"
  "What?"
  "No. She's on the bridge. She's headed to, uh, Williamsburg." (Succession, S04E02)
• "You know what? Just be water, my friend." (Succession, S04E02)
• ♫: Leonard Cohen – "Famous Blue Raincoat" karaoke (Succession, S04E02)
• "Smart people know what they are." (Succession, S04E02)
• "We have a saying in Co-Dependents Anonymous."
  "Y— What?"
  "Uh, Jane makes me go with her." (Ted Lasso, S03E04)

» "You loved 'No'" (Ted Lasso, S03E04)

• "I hope you like secretions. Take a little sip-sip." (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "Let's address the bantha in the room." (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "You had me at 'battle droids.'" (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• Din kicking droids (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "I have been called a bad teacher more times than I can ever remember. People have thrown dirt on my name. Others have given flowers. But it's all a garden to me." (Abbott Elementary, S02E20)
• "I don't even understand the color spectrum of molly, but…" (Dave, S03E01)
• "Fucking ain't easy, broham." (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: Taylor McCall – "So Damn Lucky" (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: End credits music (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: Lil Dicky – "Harrison Ave."? (Dave, S03E02)
• "Toddler Dave? It's a spin the bottle scene. Like-like, you can't have, like, an eighth grader get felt up by a toddler."
  "Can we have the intimacy coordinator over here, please? We need to know if a toddler can touch our eighth grader's breasts." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Can we get Helhim out here? He at least can be directed."
  "Who's Helhim?"
  "Helhim. Uh, I don't know. Young Dave, one of them. Like, Helhim. He had a name tag that said… I might be pronouncing it wrong."
  "He/him." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Go ahead and release Matt."
  "No, don't release the seven-foot guy. No, no, no. He's, like, a funny visual. We'll have him sneeze, or do something interesting."
  "Bending over is funny." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Your mother ate her hearing aids."
  "Uh, c-can you vomit out your hearing aids after we shoot this one scene, please?" (Dave, S03E02)

(Dave, S03E02)

• "Whose side are you on?"
  "I'm always on the side of drama in this dancery." (Grand Crew, S02E06)
• "I just wanna be taken care of."
  "Yeah. Well…I don't fuck guns." (Beef, S01E02)
• "What white girls you fuck with, then?"
  "Italians, bro."
  "What?"
  "Yeah, they're the same as us. Peninsula mentality." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Any time you want to meet Toni Kukoc, I can make that happen."
  "What?"
  "That fucker owes me." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Give me a front hug. None of that side hug. Tip to tip, come on." (Beef, S01E04)
• "He used to look up to me. Yo, he gave me that nickname, Korean Johnny Carson. All the motel guests started calling me that. Like, that was so good."
  "Yo, you know he was making fun of you, right?"
  "What? No, dude, Johnny Carson was the man. What are you talking about?"
  "Yeah, to us, but Paul started calling you that after he died, when all that stuff about his temper and narcissism came out." (Beef, S01E04)
• "I think he's depressed. Like, all right, like, he regularly drives an hour and a half to what he thinks is the best Burger King, just to eat four original chicken sandwiches, alone."
  "The long one?" (Beef, S01E04)
• "Life lesson: Always sit with the Chinese." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Hey, is Korean Johnny Carson a compliment or not?" (Beef, S01E04)
• "The Last Stand is the best X-Men! Wolverine cannot be circumcised!" (Beef, S01E04)
• ♫: The Offspring – "Self-Esteem" (Beef, S01E04)
• "You know, the thing I realized about life is that it's about compromise, you know? Like, I thought I was Webber, but I might be Stojaković, right?" (Beef, S01E06)
• "My business is a small business. Your business is more of like a, like a micro-business."
  "It's not a micro-business. It's a magnum, magnum opus business." (Beef, S01E06)
• "Asian Male White Female" porn (Beef, S01E06)
• ♫: Bush – "Machinehead" (Beef, S01E06)
• "Yo, why'd you stop?"
  "Oh, babe, I feel a recession happening, so…"
  "Come on, don't stop. It's still in."
  "I mean, a soggy paper straw is still in a smoothie, but it's not—" (Beef, S01E07)
• "We know how it sounds. Sister-in-law turned fiancée."
  "My brother is pissed, but, you know, this was meant to be."
  "Jurassic Park. 'Life finds a way.'" (Beef, S01E07)
• "Yo, one of my shitcoins is mooning, man." (Beef, S01E09)
• "You are fucking proof that Western therapy does not work on Eastern minds." (Beef, S01E10)
• "Juicy shit thrives in the shade." (Beef, S01E10)
• "How come Asians are all lactose intolerant?"
  "Um… Maybe because, uh… Milk wasn't part of our ancestors' diet."
  "No, that doesn't make sense, 'cause all Korean dishes have beef. So if we have the cows, then why wouldn't we drink the milk?" (Beef, S01E10)
• "Yo, everyone born in the '80s got fucking screwed. Like, fast food, candy, fucking secondhand smoke. Look, look, just think about it. We hit puberty right when they invented internet. And then when we left home, that's when ethernet became a thing."
  "Right. All that porn. Uncharted territory."
  "Yeah, it was like Wild, Wild West shit. You know, I didn't even have to search. I just grabbed whatever was available. You know what, we were the guinea pigs, right? We got used. It's fucked up."
  "I guess I can agree with that."
  "Yo, what if— What if our generation started copying the porn that they saw in real life, and then real life became the porn? Like digital, like a digital-analog bridge. Huh-huh, whoa."
  "Right, like…we're the reason choking is mainstream now." (Beef, S01E10)
• ♫: Smashing Pumpkins – "Mayonaise" (Beef, S01E10)
• </Beef, S01>

14. Traffic Altercation (Saturday Night Live, S48E16)

Stray Observations

• ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Seventeen" (Yellowjackets, S02E01)
• ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Yellowjackets, S02E01)
• "Here's the thing. Here's what you have to understand. I've smoked horse." (Succession, S04E01)
• "Jess, find them a journalist to burn with cigarettes while they wait." (Succession, S04E01)
• "The Disgusting Brothers on motherfucking tour!"
  "Shh."
  "We just did it."
  "What do you mean you did it?"
  "She's a firecracker, man. She's crunchy peanut butter." (Succession, S04E01)
• "My tummy's got more knots in it than Wayne's World 1 and 2 smooshed together." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "When I was a boy, I played in Zava boots, I slept in Zava boots, I made love for the first time to Zava boots."
  "Think you mean 'in Zava boots.'"
  "No." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "Jamie, don't you think that coming from you that's a little bit ironic?"
  "I weren't being ironic, I was being hypocritical. That's it."
  "Is that right? Yes or no?"
  "Yes."
  "So that was actually ironic." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "Good afternoon. There is an electricity today at Nelson Road, and the cause of all this excitement goes by one name: Zava."
  "Like Pelé, if every letter was different." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "What do you get when you combine one of Hugh Jackman's finest film roles with a fancy-pants New York City getaway?"
  "Jean Valjean Catskills?" (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• ♫: Psychedelic Alien Language Rock Music (The Mandalorian, S03E05)
• </South Park, S26>
• </Party Down, S03>
• "That was in middle school. We're different people now."
  "No! I'm the same person I was. I don't want a new mom, I love Blu Cantrell, and I still have an AOL email address!" (Grand Crew, S02E05)
• "Me and you, we ain't friends. Okay?"
  "Baka."
  "Baka? Really? You throwing around anime words, and you probably don't even know the big three."
  "Like hell I don't. [scoffs] One Piece, Bleach, Naruto."
  "Mm, Naruto is my jam."
  "Mine too, but Kabuto has more of an interesting journey throughout the series."
  "So you just one of them dudes that has hot takes just to seem different."
  "Well, yeah."
  "If that was really the case, then you would know that Naruto and Kabuto are both trash. Kaguya is the real deal." (Grand Crew, S02E05)