Adam Riff™

33. The Boys (This Fool, S01E02)

Stray Observations

• "Culture doesn't survive; cockroaches do. The second we stopped being cockroaches, the whole species went fucking extinct." (Westworld, S04E07)
• "Civilization is just the lie we tell ourselves to justify our real purpose. We're not here to transcend. We're here to destroy." (Westworld, S04E07)
• "No-no-no-no-no-no, not the lace-front, not the lace-front." (P-Valley, S02E09)
• "So… You ready for some twins?" (P-Valley, S02E09)
• "Hunh, sickly bitch!" (P-Valley, S02E09)
• Megan Thee Stallion (P-Valley, S02E09)
• "White niggah… What?" (P-Valley, S02E09)
• "Sometimes a bіtch just wanna sit back and be blessed by some art." (P-Valley, S02E09)
• "Yeah, aren't you just bursting with pride right now, representing these kids?"
  "I'm not from here, bro. Fuck them kids."
  "Okay, R. Kelly."
  "Well, you know, I mean, give me some credit. That's not fair. R. Kelly knew the kids." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Let's hurry up and get out this poo-ass, weak-ass school. These dumb-ass kids is making me itch. […] I-I'm sorry. You know you don't want to work here." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Who uses female condoms? The best of the best. Mary J., Meg Thee Stallion. Doja Cat." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "They said that there was a condom in there that expired eight years ago."
  "Eight years. Damn."
  "Huh? Oh, no, that's-that's not my wallet."
  "Mm."
  "I-I be… I be fucking raw." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Art is lucrative, man. You never listen to 4:44?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "You cannot have promethazine at school."
  "Okay, Nancy Reagan, want to follow rules and shit, say no to drugs."
  "Nancy Reagan?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Can you make it where the monkeys is wearing Timbs and fitteds?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• ♫: Unidentified song at 19:45 (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Like, Drew, I fuck with him, but, bro, I need to not see that nigga again for at least two to three—"
  "Kev! Let me holler at you for a minute."
  "Fuck, bro, this nigga Candyman, fam." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E08)
• "Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep! Yep." (Better Call Saul, S06E12)
• The Amazing Race (Better Call Saul, S06E12)
• "Would you call that a fish taco? Could anybody call this a fish taco? I mean, legally?"
  "Stop waving that thing at me."
  "Look at this! There's one piece of goddamned pollock no bigger than the end of my thumb. Now, how can you even call that a…"
  "Like am I s'posed to do something? What do you want me to do about it?"
  "Well, I want you to look inside there and tell me what you see. Huh? W-Would you or would you not sell this to an unsuspecting public?"
  "Why do you persist in ordering fish when we're 1,400 miles away from the nearest ocean?"
  "Because it's on the menu, all right? Because I live in the 21st goddamn century, all right?" (Better Call Saul, S06E12)
• "What did Jeff tell you?"
  "Oh, he didn't tell me anything. Ask Jeeves told me." (Better Call Saul, S06E12)
• Life Alert (Better Call Saul, S06E12)
• "You guys might be fair-weather fans, but I am OMITB…for life." (Only Murders in the Building, S02E08)
• "What am I climbing towards anyway? As soon as the lights come on, my test results come in, and my identity implodes. No longer am I 'Will's Loving Dad.' I'm…'Dip Lover Cuckolded by King of Dips.'" (Only Murders in the Building, S02E08)
• "I can't abandon them!"
  "Hips before dips, Oliver." (Only Murders in the Building, S02E08)
• ♫: Yodeling "The Sound of Silence" (Only Murders in the Building, S02E08)
• "The nightclub needs cheaper drinks."
  "No, we want the drinks to be very expensive, so then we attract rich humans. Am I right? They gorge themselves on sauces and creams, and get their muscles massaged. Oh. Rich humans are basically like veal – conceptually repulsive, but so buttery on my tongue." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• "Guillermo, did you kick five holes in the wall and then fuck a chicken?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• The Wedding Singer Hall and Oates dress montage (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• "Please give it up for Baron Afanas!"
  "I'm as stiff as a board." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• ♫: "Who Will Cum First on the Wedding Night?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• "No, I-I said I wanted to play one-on-one with the real guy, not the cardboard cutout guy. I should have been more specific." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E06)
• Nathan Apodaca (Reservation Dogs, S02E03)
• "Hey, let's get some wraps and some cranberry juice while you're there." (Reservation Dogs, S02E03)
• [grunts] [water plops] (Reservation Dogs, S02E03)
• "I never know what to do with wealthy male tears." (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "I believe Nora is going through what is known as 'some shit.'" (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• Top 10 News Anchor Failz! […] "Ugh! Ads." (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "I'm not taking those Anglo-Saxon pseudo parent cats, Bruce." (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "I don't know if I can freeze a guy who was inside of me less than 24 hours ago." (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "I'm not participating in this buffoonery. So how about you choke on my…♪ass♪?" (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "The algorithm!" (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "Oh, shit! I hate it when the power was inside me all along." (Harley Quinn, S03E05)
• "We could take a subway or take a taxi…"
  "Subway? Girl, do I look like Master Splinter to you?" (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)
• "Ladies, when you a five-star bitch, make them pay for every star, okay? Your presence is the presents." (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)
• "Oh, can you take a few of us?"
  [shutter snaps]
  "Prom-style." (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)
• "Call security! Call the mayor! Call Eric Adams!" (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)
• "And then, she brings me to Spotify just so I can watch her dick-ride Brent Faiyaz!" (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)
• "I'm insecure? Look in the mirror, bro! You are on Live right now, crying about Brent fucking Faiyaz?"
  "Brent Faiyaz is not thinking about you or that weak-ass music." (Rap Sh!t, S01E05)

(The Rehearsal, S01E05)

• "So I decided to wait until wintertime, because I thought discussing holiday plans would be a good way to ease into the conversation. But it turns out winter is very expensive to maintain." (The Rehearsal, S01E05)
• "What's your favorite movie?"
  "I love the movie Apocalypto." (The Rehearsal, S01E05)
• "I hadn't been to synagogue in years because it's so boring." (The Rehearsal, S01E05)
• "Are you aware that eating poo is actually a satanic ritual?"
  "I— No." (The Rehearsal, S01E05)
• "And it was cool to own my own bar that HBO paid for." (The Rehearsal, S01E05)
• "Look, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. But studies show that the life expectancy of a gangster, on average, 24 years old. But the life expectancy of a punk-ass bitch? 76 years old." (This Fool, S01E01)
• "I'm a cupcake girl in a cupcake world." (This Fool, S01E01)
• "Dawg, that cupcake shit is embarrassing, alright? That's stuff my mom used to do. What's next, you want me to knit you a sweater or what?"
  "It's called art therapy, and that's on your schedule for 2:30 today." (This Fool, S01E01)
• "It's not 2005. Tobey Maguire ain't Spider-Man anymore." (This Fool, S01E01)
• ♫: James Carr – "These Ain't Raindrops" (This Fool, S01E01)
• "Black people don't fuck with Magic Mountain. We Knott's Berry Farm people, fool." (This Fool, S01E02)

(This Fool, S01E02)

• "But my husband's weight had nothing to do with his passing. It was a car crash. Texting and driving."
  "The silent killer." (This Fool, S01E02)
• "Damn, got some nasty throat acid or some shit."
  "That's what you get for eating all those Bagel Bites. You probably fucked up your esophagus."
  "Esopha these nuts."
  "Wait. What?"
  "Shut up." (This Fool, S01E02)
• "Hey, kid. This is what me and your jefe used to do all the time back in the day."
  "You used to steal Tums with my dad?" (This Fool, S01E02)
• "Fuck. I'm fine, alright? I'm still down to fight."
  "That's the spirit! After all, did Maria give up after Tony murdered her brother? No. She dated him." (This Fool, S01E02)

(This Fool, S01E02)

• "I'm trying to put myself out there. You're not the only fool that wants to fuck on a sink." (This Fool, S01E03)
• "I could use that feria. You know, doing it upside down all the time ain't cheap." (This Fool, S01E03)
• "Damn. What kinda doctor manages a strip club?"
  "Luis, I have square-danced in towns you've never even heard of." (This Fool, S01E03)
• "You're a fuckin' loser with a weird dick."
  "Hey, fuck you. Curvy dicks are normal! Hey, if you don't give me that ring back, I'm gonna sue your ass and you know Judge Judy will rule in my favor."
  "Her show is over now, idiot."
  "Yeah, well, she's got a new one now, idiot."
  "Oh, yeah? What time? I wanna watch!"
  "It's streaming so it's available whenever." (This Fool, S01E03)
• "Now go back to your bush." (This Fool, S01E03)
• "Watch out, that fool bites. His teeth are fucked up, but they're strong!" (This Fool, S01E04)
• "This guy is my friend Julio Lopez."
  "Hey, cool name, bro. I'm Julio Tambien."
  "Oh, great. Another Julio? What's your last name?"
  "I just told you, bro. It's Tambien." (This Fool, S01E04)
• ♫: Limp Bizkit – "Nookie" (This Fool, S01E04)
• Corporate (This Fool, S01E06)
• "Don't worry about it, playboy. Soon your asshole will become leather just like mine." (This Fool, S01E06)
• "I Googled 'top ten things healthy couples do together' and hiking was number nine."
  "What were the top eight?"
  "I don't know. I got paywalled!" (This Fool, S01E07)
• "Look. Check it out. A butterfly. Look, I'm in the moment and I'm appreciating the shit out of that butterfly. Wish this fuckin' butterfly knew how much I was appreciating it right now. Come on. Come on. Come on."
  "Damn. Don't appreciate it too much. I might get jealous. Fuckin' slut-ass butterfly." (This Fool, S01E07)
• "After this, they're gonna make memes outta me kicking his ass."
  "That's not how memes work." (This Fool, S01E07)
• "I was gonna shoot you in the leg, but then at the last second I thought, 'Ah, fuck it. It'll be funnier if I shoot him in the ass.'"
  "And who do you think told you the ass would be funnier?" (This Fool, S01E08)
• "She calls me nasty names. Like Pepperoni Tits." (This Fool, S01E08)
• "The devil made him throw those pedos." (This Fool, S01E08)
• "And I'm sorry that I tagged a dick on your car in high school."
  "I fucking knew it! They called me dick girl for a whole year."
  "I know. I was also one of the fools that called you that." (This Fool, S01E08)
• "That guy's no gangster. He looks like he likes Morrissey."
  "I fuckin' hate Morrissey!"
  "Well, your stupid pompadour says different."
  "Oh, fuck you. This is a gentleman's cut." (This Fool, S01E10)
• "Nah. Nah, nah! Hey, we can't let this place close just 'cause Payne has a big-ass chorizo." (This Fool, S01E10)
• "You know, the world does not roll out the red carpet for you when you start a non-profit. They raise your rent. They deny you grants, and then they tell you your penis is too big for their vagina." (This Fool, S01E10)
• </This Fool, S01>

32. Private School Interview (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)

Honourable Mention

• Overdose (The Rehearsal, S01E04)

Stray Observations

• "You sho'll mo' secretive than a Janet Jackson lyric." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Just cause you gave a bіtch some olive branch booty don't mean a bitch past nothin'…"
  "That was more than a olive branch, niggah. That was like some 100-year oak." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Where you goin'?"
  "Somewhere. Unlike that nowhere you goin'." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "I know me a niggah-niggah when I sees one." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Pastor Woodbine, what do you have to say to the people?"
  "I done told everyone that I was a hое. I sucked a lot of dicks in my day. I done fucked tricks and bitch-slapped many muthafuckers, and God knows I did my share of check fraud shit. Because the people runnin' this city didn't leave me a nary option. But that was yesterday. Today, I am a woman of God, makin' sure that sin don't have to come climbin' in yo' backdoors like it did mine. I hoed so you could fly, Chucalissa." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Oh, honey, you're in the wrong place. Shay-Nay-Nay's Beauty Shop is a bit further down the strip." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• ♫: Kingpin Skinny Pimp – "Lookin' for da Chewin'" (P-Valley, S02E07)
• ♫: 21 Savage – "Red Opps" (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Not the house niggah axin' me to be his field niggah." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Do you know what it feel like to have the whole world turn they nose up at you?"
  "Yes, half-niggah, I do. See, the difference 'tween us is I know what I'll never be." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Maybe my wife's right. Hmm."
  "Don't make your mistress wrong." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "These streets know my knees." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "That's all I'm gettin'?"
  "You can barely handle these lips. And these labias, baby, on another level." (P-Valley, S02E08)
• "Do y'all have a student discount?"
  "No!" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "I know you're busy with all your new friends."
  "My new friends?"
  "The drug addicts."
  "Oh, NA. We're calling them the drug addicts. Okay." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "I mean, I'm not, I'm not broken, you know?"
  "Daniel, you're a drug addict who works part-time at a bike shop and teaches bored kids about genital wars."
  "I mean, on paper, yeah, but-but I have two jobs."
  "But they're…" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "You know, when my daughter first started talking to me like that, I had two choices, either I was gonna respect her, or I was gonna send her to Africa. Sent her ass to Africa. I'm not even from there. I hope she all right." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Nigga, are you wearing Old Spice?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Betrayed by my own son. What kind of Luke Skywalker shit is this?"
  "The-the-the dad is the bad guy in Star Wars." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Maybe we get a fresh coat of paint in here. I'm thinking Almond Sunrise. It's the…it's what almonds looks like at the first light of day." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Dude, you Kareem. Any woman over 40 with kids would love you." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Nigga, did you put on more Old Spice?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "I'm trying to win $50,000, but you keep crying in the shop." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Dan, tell Kareem that it's not that I don't want him."
  "Kareem, did you hear what she said? The sound traveled?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Babe, I could never be Dan. I am too handsome and too strong. Plus, I know how to take the proper amount of pills." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• "Okay. All right. Okay, that's good. The whole animal kingdom." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S02E07)
• Jackie Chan Adventures (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• "Look, narca, we're not doing drugs, so stop trying to cast, y'know…aspersions."
  "Narca?"
  "Yeah. 'Narca.' The feminine version of 'narco.' Conjugate much?" (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• "But, uh, it's still clogged, dude."
  "You can do it. It's a simple up and down motion, like you're used to." (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• ♫: Looking Glass – "Brandy [You're a Fine Girl]" karaoke (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• Grave to bed transition (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• "Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices." (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• "So? A guy with cancer can't be an asshole?" (Better Call Saul, S06E11)
• Written by Ayo Edebiri (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• "Have you been watching Star Trek?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)

Human attire (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)

• "Gay is in. Gay is hot. I want some gay." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• "You need to know that we're very gay for each other."
  "Completely gay. We are like two French trombones."
  "And this guy? I ream him nightly. And I'm always sucking him off. They are like, 'Come, it's dinner! Stop sucking off your gay husband!'"
  "Which is amusing, 'cause I am dinner. And I just carry on reaming him. Sexually." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• Banana in the glass of water (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• "This motherfucker is a starfucker. Yes, that is what these schools want. They want the famous parents, so they can be like, 'I couldn't possibly say anything, but Lionel fucking Barrymore's kids might just go here.'"
  "Nadja's right. He fucks stars." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• "This is Colin's father, you know, the guy from Incomprehensible Jesters." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E04)
• "Whoa. Who the hell is that guy?"
  "It is me, Nandor."
  "Oh, no, no. You're not Nandor."
  "Okay, fine, fine, I am not Nandor. I am…Adolfo, the butler or some shit."(What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)

• "No reaming for you tonight. No reaming, no sucking, no tickling, no fingering, no fucking. And don't even think about scritchy-scratching on my door like a little horny squirrel." (What We Do in the Shadows, S04E05)
• "Do not watch two dogs get stuck together. For if you do, you shall get pink eye." (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• "You got your, uh…your sacred curlies in, right?"
  "My what?"
  "Your sacred hairs. Your man mesh. Your nest of creation. Your he-muff, she-muff, they-muff down there. See, long time ago, when our sacred hairs came in like that, it meant that we weren't children no more and that we started working for the people. You…you're acting like a kid, man. We all had a job. We all had a role. That's how we built strong nations, like each a stitch in the great loin cloth of the people." (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• "Aho. Creator, thank you for these sacred tater tots that my nephew-grandson-grandpa here has given me." (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• "Holy men can't be having colonizer boobs on their wall." (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• "I'm pretty sure there were six extra frames when he exploded." (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• ♫: Beat Happening – "Indian Summer" (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• ♫: Bright Eyes – "Devil Town" (Reservation Dogs, S02E01)
• "Oh, your most heavenly gracious father, thank you for blessing us with another day. Please help me to finish my Gloria Steinem book. It's a long slog. If I read even just a page a night before I fall asleep, that's all I ask, all right?" (Reservation Dogs, S02E02)
• "Could you pass the rolls and the ranch dressing? Those are good together. Have you tried it? 'Cause that's kind of all I'm gonna have. Yeah, it's a bad habit I've gotten into. Yeah, since Ed left, it's like, who cares anymore? It's just all carbs all the time. There's so much sour cream in there, you would not believe. Now really eat up. Ah, it's so good. Oh, I'm almost out. You don't want to see what happens when I run out of ranch dressing." (Reservation Dogs, S02E02)
• "Catfish is life, I guess." (Reservation Dogs, S02E02)

(Harley Quinn, S03E04)

• "No! Annihilate my taint." (Harley Quinn, S03E04)
• "But I was almost done carbo-loading for the fuckfest." (Harley Quinn, S03E04)
• ♫: Clairmont the Second – "Intres-Ting" (Rap Sh!t, S01E04)
• "I've got fuckin' bodywash on me, bitch!" (Rap Sh!t, S01E04)
• "Chastity gay, so I know there's a Gatorade up in here somewhere." (Rap Sh!t, S01E04)
• ♫: Gunna – "Dollaz on My Head [feat. Young Thug]" (Rap Sh!t, S01E04)
• ♫: The Verve – "Lucky Man" (Black Bird, S01E06)
• </Black Bird, S01>
• "And the town of Eagle Creek, my home base for this project, definitely has a lot to offer."
  [Brown Eggs, Pole Buildings] (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• Raising Cane's cashier actor wearing her mask under her nose (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• "But every night when I went home, it was still my house. My marble coffee table. My TV. My black and white toilet." (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• Keyblade in Thomas' home (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• "I continued following the lesson plan until I was working at an Ubatuba also." (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• Security guard actor's final showcase (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• "Hey. How you doing? You wanna see a card trick or something, like a magic trick?" (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• "I'm not a snitch."
  "You're a fucking disaster, my guy." (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• Thomas playing a paramedic (The Rehearsal, S01E04)
• "Hey! Have you seen a 15-year-old boy around here?"
  "No, I haven't. I've seen an older man walking around over there."
  "An older man? No, no. That wouldn't be him." (The Rehearsal, S01E04)

(Paper Girls, S01E06)

• ♫: Pavement – "Spit on a Stranger" (Paper Girls, S01E06)
• "Butts" tombstone (Paper Girls, S01E07)
• The Real World: Hawaii (Paper Girls, S01E07)
• </Paper Girls, S01>
• "I am…a dire wolf." (The Sandman, S01E04)
• "You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, pathetic excuse for an anthropomorphic personification on this or any other plane." (The Sandman, S01E06)
• "Said the pumpkin to the talking bird." (The Sandman, S01E07)
• </The Sandman, S01>