Adam Riff™

5. High School Reunion Musical (The Afterparty, S01 E01-03)

Honourable Mention

• Apes (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 24 Jan 2022)

Stray Observations

• "Why the fuck would you audition for Oklahoma?" (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "I love that I'm your secret." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "They didn't know each other well, except that they shared a mutual disdain for Oklahoma."
  "Bobbi, you okay?"
  "Fuck Oklahoma." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "Dial, bitch." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "They're from Asheville, daddy. They hate God." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)
• "No, don't make him giggle." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)

• "Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist."
  "This man look like he dream in podcasts." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "They called me 'HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg,' which is repetitive and insulting. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post after Arianna stepped down." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "My bad, y'all. She was supposed to skip second grade, but they told me during Essence Fest. I missed a lot of paperwork during that month."
  "Isn't Essence Fest just a weekend?"
  "Maybe for y'all." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "I love my dad and he loves me back, but he's only hugged me one time in my life. And I think that was because he lost his balance and fell into me on the escalator." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "I thought this was a place you make copies. What's with all the donuts?"
  "It's called Copy and Donuts. It's a pun on 'coffee and donuts.'"
  "I get the pun, but it's just a really random combination."
  "Come on, haven't you ever been printing a copy and gotten hungry for a snack?"
  "Nah, bro."
  "Well, this isn't Shark Tank. I don't need to sell this business to you." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Sometimes plots of movies are good real-life ideas: Air Bud, Soul Plane, Jurassic Park." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Here you go, more delicious ways to avoid communication." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "I wanted a vacationship, not a relationship." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Michael will already be thinking about leaving, and once the improv group starts to perform, he's as good as gone." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Persistence without insight will lead to the same outcome." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Leave, apostate." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Dated a Jawa for a while. They're quite furry. Very furry. Lot of issues." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "I dated a Jawa. I know what I'm doing, right?"
  "[Jawaese]"
  "Oh, that's okay. I'm working on me right now." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "The entire vapor manifold is missing."
  "Trust me, the last thing you want strangling your thrust capacitor is a vapor manifold. I fabricated you this induction intake charger that's gonna double your output coefficient."
  "It'll also blow the shaft out of my motivator block."
  "That's why I'm reinforcing your compression housing, and you can access it by using this Kineso-switch right here." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Smooth?"
  "As a gonk's scomp jack." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "How was it?"
  "Wizard." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "It's just too much tuna." (Next Level Chef, S01E05)

(Peacemaker, S01E05)

• "Brad Pitt, or Payne Stewart, or Doug the Pug? Khloe Kardashian, the Red Tiger from Voltron, Fran Tarkenton… BTS?" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Why are you seeing their penises?"
  "It's a locker room, dude. What am I gonna do? Look at a towel?"
  "So you just stare at each other's dicks and come up with names for them?"
  "Yeah. My friend Veiny McVeinerstein said I was like a gypsy, but with dicks instead of palms." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Situation is delicate. It requires something other than your…usual sledgehammer."
  "Well, these days, Murn, I'm…I'm barely ball-peen." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "All right, that might be overkill."
  "I finger bang you, I'm not using my pinky."
  "That's a disgusting phrase."
  "You're just saying that 'cause lesbians don't finger bang."
  "We finger bang more than the rest of the world combined."
  "Okay, you're right. I just forgot women had fingers for a second, okay?"
  "How do you think we grab things?"
  "Not in life, in sex."
  "Oh, so you just thought women's fingers just fell off during sex?"
  "I don't know! I wasn't thinking, okay?" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Eat peace, motherfuckers!" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• Killing a gorilla with a chainsaw (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Maybe next gorilla." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "I had just said how much I wanted to kill someone with a chainsaw, like, 15 minutes earlier, and then Economos just coincidentally comes in and kills someone with one? I mean, it kinda seems like he was trying to fuck with me a little." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "But I just wanna say, my dick is a lesbian, by the way." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "I've been working out a lot. Have you heard of Pilates?"
  "I have."
  "I haven't done 'em yet, but I've heard of 'em." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "You remember Ska-pe Diem? Right? We shredded the MLK Day barbecue." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• ♫: Bleachers – "Rollercoaster" (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "There's some things I need to tell you. But first, I gotta go see about this asshole. Not— Not my asshole. I mean, I'm talkin' about somebody else. Not somebody else's asshole. I'll be right back." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "I don't have any business cards 'cause it's the future, but I could airdrop you my information." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "If you hate on Urkel one more time…"
  "Did I do that?" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "Nice try, kiddo. But no one pees like me." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "♪ Happy birthday to you / Happy birthday to you… ♪" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "What's up, man? I'm not hearing anything out of that speaker there. You're running mono, my friend." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "My prawns!" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "Okay, you look like Prince took a shit." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "This fist is gonna crack your sternum like a piñata, bitch. And then all your guts and your ribs are gonna spill out of your chest cavity like candy at a quinceañera, tú sabes?"
  "Me do sabes real good." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "This whole aggro routine is old hat. And I… I'm new hat. I'm cool new hat." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "One 'diarrhea' coming up." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "♪ So she walked to the altar / With another dude and I got so depressed / I fell apart like The West Wing after Sorkin left ♪" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Walt's verse (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Could you write on this piece of paper, 'I have diarrhea' or 'don't have diarrhea'?" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Actually, I interrupted you for a game about diarrhea. See— All right. Imagine a town, all right? With villagers. With ghosts. With a barrel of clams. And one toilet." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Somebody say diarrhea game? I'm in." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Flaming Jell-O shots = candles (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Two verses, three choruses, one bridge and a broken heart."
  "What? Did you see anything else? Did you see what happened?"
  "I was lost in 4/4 time." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "So, right when Xavier and I transitioned from Sublime covers to originals, I came up with the perfect musical philosophy. The four categories of songs. Category one: 'I love you, or I hate you, but I secretly love you.' Two: 'I'm so great,' or 'My hometown's so great.' Category three: 'Come on, everybody. Listen up, this is important.' See, those are your issues songs.
  Those are your Bono's, your Macklemore's, know what I'm saying? And then number four: 'How great is this party?'" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Songs by Jon Lajoie (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "What's a welfie?" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E03)
• "You can take off your pants and hang out the window. Like this. Outside. Like you're taking a dump at the edge of a cliff. Like this."
  "What reaction is he hoping for?" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E04)
• "[Wu-jin farts]" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E07)
• </All of Us Are Dead, S01>

4. I can feel it in my plums (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E03)

Stray Observations

• Sydney Sweeney's boobs (Euphoria, S02E02)
• ♫: Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan – "Live or Die" (Euphoria, S02E02)

(Euphoria, S02E02)

• Minka Kelly (Euphoria, S02E02)
• Dothraki (Euphoria, S02E02)
• "I feel like we should do drugs." (Euphoria, S02E02)
• "Kat hated herself. But the problem with hating yourself is you can't really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won't shut the fuck up about it." (Euphoria, S02E02)
• ♫: Labrinth – "Understand Me" (Euphoria, S02E02)
• Sauce fountain (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E03)
• "She was really there for me when I needed it. Always smiling, always laughing. Well, not literally, of course. After the last stroke, she pretty much lost all control of her facial musculature." (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• ♫: The Offspring – "Come Out and Play" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• ♫: Enya – "Only Time" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• "Are you quoting Beaches at me right now?" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• </Yellowjackets, S01>
• "I'm a little behind on my Hotmail correspondences." (Abbott Elementary, S01E04)
• "Stop high-fiving my trauma." (Grand Crew, S01E05)
• "All you vegroes are the same." (Grand Crew, S01E05)
• Thundercat (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Find other banthas. Make baby banthas." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Sous chef droid" (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Next time, don't touch my buttons." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• ♫: The Mandalorian theme (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Why is everybody 'fucking you' to me?" (Peacemaker, S01E04)
• "Although she would probably hit it now that she's schtupping her friend Bob."
  "It's always a Bob. My mom has a Bob, but his name's Daryl – which is the Bob of Black people." (Single Drunk Female, S01E02)

(Tucker Carlson Tonight, 21 Jan 2022)