Adam Riff™

8. No-Selling (jeen-yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Stand By Me (Euphoria, S02E06)
• Vomiting (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)

Stray Observations

• "You know what I like about hospitals? They don't need to know how good of a person you are in order to take care of you. They don't need to know what's going on in your head before they wrap a bandage around your arm. People like that are rare." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Say what you want about Christians. At least they believe in forgiveness." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I'm sure most people would say the world would be a better place without me. I don't disagree. In fact, I've been trying to leave it for as long as I can remember." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I know you probably been washin' that ass." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Reducing someone's life to a moment, an ugly moment, and punishing them for it. That's what cops do. It's actually what everyone does. It's what you would do to me if you didn't know me." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Some people…some people need to get their feelings hurt sometimes." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I don't care! I just wanna watch my Millionaire Matchmaker in peace for one hour, one goddamn hour!" (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Meanwhile, Jules was at home, and she hadn't talked to Elliot since… You know what? Actually, I don't want to talk about Jules and Elliot. Fuck them. Let's go back to Maddy." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "See, I'm not a mess, but I do love a fight." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• ♫: Method Man – "I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need To Get By [feat. Mary J. Blige] [Puff Daddy Mix]" (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I ruined my entire life for you." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "She is going to kill herself. My daughter's gonna kill herself." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Do not mock my thumbs…" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "I'm gonna flick this fucking creamed corn on your fucking face." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "You stay strong, bitch." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Let's lie to the church like a fucking family." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "And take this seat buzzer coaster thing I stole from Chili's. I modified it. When you see the Cycle Ninjas, use it to buzz my coaster." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Enjoy your 'za." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Can I have a minute with Daddy?"
  "Why, Kelvin? You trying to suffocate him with his MyPillow?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Is Zach spelled with a 'ck' or a 'ch' or, what I find to be the most exotic spelling, just a 'c'?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "'We're family.' Enough with that Dominic Toretto rhetoric."
  "Th-there's a reason that there are nine of those movies." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "This text said that you had Danny Wok. That's the only reason I'm here, DorkDash." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "What can I say? The rumors about the Olympic Village are true." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "'I once impersonated Jill Scott to get free bottle service at Xfinity Live!' You don't even look like Jill Scott."
  "To white people in South Philly I do." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• Orlando Jones as Tyler James Williams' father (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Look, this is the man I'm going to marry."
  "Janine, when people get married, they try a lot of cakes."
  "Have you had two slices of cake at one time? I can tell you, when I was at the Olympic Village…" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "It's raining harder than an Usher video!" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)

(Abbott Elementary, S01E08)

• "Don't nobody rap about stuff that's good for you. You never heard a song called, like…'Broccoli.' Except that one song called 'Broccoli,' but that's still about drugs, so…" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Hey, you got them Tastykakes, my man?"
  "I'm a girl!"
  "Uh, okay, shawty, where is my dessert?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Last Man Standing is basically your Green Book." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend this whole time?"
  "I don't know. I…I think I thought if I kept you out of my relationship business, I wouldn't have to weigh in on yours." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• ♪ "If somebody try to give you drugs, punch 'em in the face." ♪ (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Jay loves dick jokes." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "The fuck is this shit?"
  "It's Sleater-Kinney. So fucking good." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• AltaVista (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "Well, I got bad news for you, Third Eye Blind." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "I didn't have anything to eat except Nutella." (South Park, S25E03)
• Justice League (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• "Fuck you, Barry." (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• ♫: The Last Vegas – "Apologize" (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• ♫: Hardcore Superstar – "You Can't Kill My Rock 'n Roll" (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• </Peacemaker, S01>
• "'Number seven. Make out with someone with whom you otherwise would not out make.' Gross! 'With whom'? No." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "What's going on?"
  "Yasper's phone is about to die."
  "Bummer. Here's the thing. As you can see, mine is less than 30%, and that's kind of the universal standard." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You know, the thing I like about escape rooms on, like, a deeper level is that they make you feel stuck, even hopeless. But eventually, everyone finds their way through. Except for some members of the Minnesota Vikings one time." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You broke my branded shrimp tower?" (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "We were looking for a charger."
  "That's crazy. I have a charger on me. Why didn't you guys just ask?"
  "Why wouldn't we ask a police officer for help in a stressful situation? I don't know. Maybe all of human history?" (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You know, my mother was an atheist. She used to say that there was good news and bad news about hell. The good news is, hell is just the product of a morbid human imagination. The bad news is, whatever humans can imagine, they can usually create." (Severance, S01E01)
• "So, we're friends?"
  "I'm your best friend. You're my very good friend." (Severance, S01E01)
• "Sweet. Melon bar." (Severance, S01E02)
• "Guys, this is Helly. She's 30 years old, she's allergic to almonds and has weak enamel." (Severance, S01E02)
• "Your outie is a friend to children and to the elderly and the insane. Your outie is strong and helped someone lift a heavy object. Your outie values water. Your outie has no fear of muggers or knaves. Your outie likes the sound of radar." (Severance, S01E02)
• ♫: I Monster – "Daydream in Blue" (Severance, S01E02)

7. Striptease (The 2022 NBA All-Star Game Draft Show, 10 Feb 2022)

Stray Observations

• Cacti (Euphoria, S02E05)
• "It's one of the good parts of being a woman. Even if you don't have money, you've still got something people want." (Euphoria, S02E05)
• "Are you sure that this is safe?"
  "All pharmaceuticals are safe, Rue." (Euphoria, S02E05)
• "You know what's funny, Rue? When I first saw you, I thought, this girl's gonna be in my life for a long time." (Euphoria, S02E05)
• "My whole house smells like asshole." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)
• "Hey, why don't we grab some, some craft beers, sink some suds?"
  "Why don't you sink your own suds? How could you possibly expect me to drink craft beers when there's fucking killers on the loose? Whole church sucking my wife's dick." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)
• "We are thriving. There's no reason to question. These yummy smoothies prove it." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)
• "Clean your underwears out of the master." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)

• "You want to try to fucking kill my family? How 'bout I kill your fucking family?"
  "Grandparents, kids, special needs. Chop their fucking heads off."
  "Okay, Chad. Shh. I'm doing the threats, okay?"
  "Rape 'em."
  "The fuck are you talking about, Matthew? We're not raping people."
  "Not the women. Not the wom—we don't rape women."
  "No, guys! Okay, enough. I'm the fucking spokesman of the threats, okay?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)
• "Come for my family one more time and I will end you. Everything we talked about here tonight will happen. You dead, family dead, head chop-offs, rapes, all of it!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E06)
• "I don't really mess with gym teachers. Their voices never match their faces." (Abbott Elementary, S01E07)
• What do you think of these?"
  "Oh, wow, those are fun."
  "Not you, Carlton." (Abbott Elementary, S01E07)
• "Yeah, well, your real name is Sarah! I saw it in your birth certificate collage!" (Abbott Elementary, S01E07)
• "Just what I need – a man who wears used pants bringing me a tray of pickles." (Abbott Elementary, S01E07)
• "Oh, why would you put that together?"
  "Power clashing." (Abbott Elementary, S01E06)
• "If you refuse these terms, the arid sands of Tatooine will once again flourish with flowered fields fertilized with the bodies of your dead." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E07)

(The Book of Boba Fett, S01E07)

• </The Book of Boba Fett, S01>
• "C.C. DeVille, John Stamos."
  "John Stamos?"
  "Fuckin' asshole." (Pam and Tommy, S01E04)
• Rand reading Yacht Report (Pam and Tommy, S01E04)
• "Fuck is this shit?"
  "It's King Crimson, man." (Pam and Tommy, S01E04)

(Pam and Tommy, S01E04)

• "Milton Ingley. Low-level porn producer out of Van Nuys. Rand did some features for him back in the day. Anal specialist." (Pam and Tommy, S01E04)

(AEW Dynamite, 09 Feb 2022)

• "Whatever the case, I'm in."
  "Hashtag MeToo." (Peacemaker, S01E07)
• "Sorry, who are you?"
  "Walt is my name. Walt Butler."
  "Oh, the butler." (The Afterparty, S01E05)
• "Stop Sound of Music-ing!" (The Afterparty, S01E05)

6. And Jason Mantzoukas as Tommy Lee's Penis (Pam and Tommy, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

• Rue's fake orgasm (Euphoria, S02E04)
• "Gay Lovemaking" (Family Feud, 02 Feb 2022)

Stray Observations

• Brokeback Mountain (Euphoria, S02E04)
• "I feel like Rue is too lazy a person to fake an orgasm." (Euphoria, S02E04)
• "Cal, I'm not gonna ask you again. Put your penis away." (Euphoria, S02E04)
• "What's goin' on?"
  "Dad's standing in the foyer with his dick out." (Euphoria, S02E04)

(Euphoria, S02E04)

(Euphoria, S02E04)

• "I'll fuck whoever I want, whenever I want. I'll fuck men, I'll fuck women, I'll fuck transsexuals, and I'll have a mighty fine time doin' it. I eat what I kill." (Euphoria, S02E04)
• </Alex vs. America, S01>
• "Nobody else say pussy!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E05)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E05)

• ♫: Judy rapping Eazy-E's "Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E05)
• "Aww! Look at that. They're seeing that chickens don't just come from Crown Fried Chicken." (Abbott Elementary, S01E06)
• "Oh, my God. I love that he stocks Gushers."
  "Aren't you like 25?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E06)
• "Have you ever heard of Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences? Okay. So, look, like, this kid here, right? He may not be good at math, but he may have naturalistic intelligence, which means he's good with nature. And this girl… She may have musical intelligence."
  "And look at that. This kid has custodial intelligence." (Abbott Elementary, S01E06)
• "We were all just talking about the gifted program, and we have a solution."
  "Oh, good, 'cause Black Bobby Fischer is killin' me right now." (Abbott Elementary, S01E06)
• "Is that a bench?" (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E06)
• "What brings you by? You looking for work? Carpentry? Anal?" (Pam and Tommy, S01E01)
• "Listen, the second that Barb Wire comes out…"
  "Yeah, well, it has to be a hit."
  "Of course it's going to be a hit. When have you ever failed at anything your entire life?" (Pam and Tommy, S01E03)
• Andrew Dice Clay (Pam and Tommy, S01E03)
• "No way that thing's going in my ass."
  "Okay, he's the best I could do on short notice. I don't have a lot of small penises in my Rolodex." (Pam and Tommy, S01E03)
• "My dad said he listened to Matt Damon and lost all his money." (South Park, S25E01)
• "How many times have I told you kids not to bring up Nazi Germany when you don't get something you want?!" (South Park, S25E01)
• "Hey, don't put that pajama-wearing slut in here with us!" (South Park, S25E01)
• "Aliens got vaginas?" (Peacemaker, S01E06)
• "Any more questions? Yeah, uh, gender-swapped Alfred E. Neuman." (Peacemaker, S01E06)
• "Goff, are the Butterflies here to eat our flesh like the aliens from Pitch Black?"
  "Goff, are you here to put babies in us like in Alien? [sighs]"
  "Dude, you're upset about that?"
  "Well, how else I'm gonna experience motherhood?"
  —
  "Are you here so you can play us a shitty song like in Close Encounters?"
  —
  "Quick, what are some other movies?"
  "Uh… The Three Amigos. Un Chien Andalou. Porky's. Porky's II…" (Peacemaker, S01E06)
• "I don't know what the cloud is! The fucking cloud happened when I was in prison, okay? Everybody talks about this fucking cloud. They might as well be talking about neuropsychology or fucking cricket or BLACKPINK songs!" (Peacemaker, S01E06)

(Peacemaker, S01E06)

• "You've always been so funny."
  "Such a joker."
  "It's out of pain." (The Afterparty, S01E04)
• "I got cat roofied!" (The Afterparty, S01E04)
• "You just sat back and watched Aniq drink cat tranquilizer?"
  "Plus ginger ale, whiskey, and a splash of lime. It was a cocktail."
  "A Kentucky mule for cats? You drugged him, girl."
  "Aniq drugged himself, okay? On accident. But it was really only a sip. He's kind of a lightweight. One look at that guy, and you're like, 'This is an individual who cannot handle their pet sedatives.'" (The Afterparty, S01E04)