Adam Riff™

41. Building a Better Butt Plug (The Premise, S01E05)

Honourable Mention

• Butt plug pitch (The Premise, S01E05)
• Best Buy (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Hard Seltzer (Saturday Night Live, S47E02)

Stray Observations

• "But the thing is, you don't ever play the dope game – it plays you." (BMF, S01E02)
• "I ain't been soft since I came out my mama pussy." (BMF, S01E02)
• "And dope boys gossip more than women at their hair salons." (BMF, S01E02)
• "Re-package it? We cannot have roach legs in the damn work." (BMF, S01E02)
• [screams, breathing heavily]
  "I got neighbors, my nigga." (BMF, S01E02)
• Coney Island washroom sex (BMF, S01E02)
• "Thanks, baby. See you tomorrow?"
  "Same place, different position."
  "Mm."
  "Man, she got ass for days, don't she?"
  "Yeah, she got a whole bunch of other shit too, nigga." (BMF, S01E02)
• "Who prints a flyer on cardstock?" (Heels, S01E07)
• "Says the guy who kept the belt for himself by deep-dicking me six ways from Sunday."
  "Can we please scour the Earth and find a new metaphor for betrayal?"
  "I agree, Willie. I've always considered deep-dicking to be a reward of sorts, a gift, something desired with anticipation, longed for, if I may stretch the metaphor." (Heels, S01E07)
• "I gave you a gift, Jack, the gift of my ass. And you don't look a gift ass in the mouth, 'cause that mouth is my asshole." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Mickey's a softie. I-I mean, just a bighearted pastry bag of a man." (Heels, S01E07)
• "And write for the times. I mean, why do you think the Real Housewives are so popular, huh? Women can be terrible to other women. So let's give them the opportunity to be terrible to each other in the DWL ring." (Heels, S01E07)
• "He's my brother. I won't screw him like that."
  "Like he screws you? You familiar with rule 34? Rule 34 is the internet principle that posits that for any fictional character, someone somewhere online has drawn them having sex."
  "Like Hentai, the Japanese shit?"
  "Yes, like Hentai, but Hentai has evolved. I bookmarked this. It's disturbing, but do you notice anything?"
  "Is that me fucking Jack?"
  "No, that's Jack fucking you."
  "What the fuck, man? Look, I got no problem with gay shit, but don't show me that fucking shit. That's twisted. That's my brother, man."
  "Why do you think I call my promotion Dystopia? We live in a fallen world, a world of smut and shit and violence and people who traffic in and revel in dark, twisted shit."
  "Why are you so obsessed with dark and twisted shit?"
  "Have you ever had the displeasure of having a fat French-Canadian priest put his soft hands on your 12-year-old cock? I have. It'll give you a point of view about the world."
  "That's fucked up, man."
  "Yeah. And those drawings, that's how people see you, kid: getting fucked by Jack and kind of enjoying it." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Ah, I'm sorry, can I have the room…"
  "Why?"
  "…for a sec? You're just so fucking hot. I just—I gotta call my mom." (Heels, S01E07)
• "What the hell was that?"
  "That's this dude Bob Wired. He hits people with barb wire." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Mom, I think I got into the fight because I'm sad. Sometimes I feel like my spirit is broken." (Heels, S01E07)
• ♫: A capella "Karma Police" (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Hey, is this, uh…is this Radiohead?"
  "Every Sunday. The great dead men."
  "I saw Radiohead live. Yeah, my sister took me. She wanted to show me there was more to music than Weird Al."
  "Rest in peace, Weird Al." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Okay, look, I know you've got a crush, but…"
  "What?"
  "Every time I turn around, you're making googly eyes at her."
  "I have an expressive face." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Yummy. Body of Christ." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "When Campbell appointed me, you called me a xenophobe and a bigot."
  "Forgive me. Maybe you just play one on TV. Whatever sells catheters, right?" (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Do you know that I was the first director to use a real cadaver on stage? In Tuesdays at Bernie's. It was my dual adaptation of Tuesdays with Morrie and Weekend at Bernie's." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Hey, we're dying for the next episode!"
  "We may be too!" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Are you guys okay? Oh, do you want a Splenda?"
  "Jan, please, we're focused on staying alive here."
  "Okay, no Splenda. You know, there's some not-so-great studies." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "I cannot function with all this pressure and nothing to dip." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Okay, as I said to Paula Abdul during our production of Hedda Gabler…" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Well, I wouldn't put it like that."
  "Oh, I would, because your input is destructive, and your pizza rolls are chewy." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Well, I go nuts for Christmas. I know it's maybe not your thing."
  "Oh, please. We're L.A. Jews. I've been going to Christmas parties since I was born." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Come on. Kavanaugh, huh? You don't think we should just quit?"
  "I never like to take 'no' for an answer." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Did he force you to kiss his penis?"
  "No. He asked."
  "Well, did you kiss his penis?" (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Uh, you filed an affidavit claiming that President Clinton's penis has a distinguishing characteristic. Is that correct?"
  "Yes. Um, it's got sort of a…a U-turn in it."
  "Oh, you also made a statement that, uh, the president's penis is small." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "We have tapes."
  "And thank God we do too, 'cause a jury would fucking hate that lady." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Nobody messes with Vegas." (What If…?, S01E09)
• What If…? Season Grade: C
• Steve Jobs (American Horror Story, S10E08)
• "Oh, most people who are here are one and done, but then there are a few like me who are on the annual plan."
  "Annual? As in you've been through this more than once?"
  "Yeah, and I thought Circus Circus was hell on Earth." (American Horror Story, S10E08)
• The LINE LA (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "Where are we going next, though? Ripley's Believe It or Not? The Rock Hard Café?"
  "The Rock Hard Café?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "It's impossible to mess up jook. I mixed it with a shit twig before."
  "A what?"
  "Uh, a twig with a little bit of shit on it." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "This is wine we make from our own summer squash."
  "And eagle semen."
  "Mm."
  "We call it nature drip here." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "My mom used to take me to the movies too."
  "Oh!"
  "Well, not movies. Live theatre."
  "Oh, wow!"
  "Well, not live theatre. Public executions." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "Everything I have is riding on this butt plug." (The Premise, S01E05)
• "Veblen good" (The Premise, S01E05)
• The Premise Season Grade: C
• "Count Bakula" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "This is ultimately what power-sharing and coexistence is all about."
  "A real Israel/Palestine situation."
  "Yes, a win-win." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Honestly, Nandor, I don't want to sample virgin dogs. 'Vampire ice cream'? It's just cold blood." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "If she wants to go out there, get kidnapped by a Turkish horde of gangsters and sold off as mincemeat, fine by me. Rolled up, turned into kofta, then I'm fine with that." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Carmel car service jingle (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Scabby the Rat (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Is this stuff any good or is it just shit?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Now, will you be wanting the extended warranty coverage?"
  "I won't be talked into any extended warranty."
  "Got it. Now if you just punch in your email—"
  "Nor will I punching in my email address. I won't be talked into any kind of Best Buy membership card or charge card." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Nothing to be nervous about. It's not the first time a beautiful woman has shit on my shoes." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Oh, Heather." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Fuck you, Piers Morgan." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day, ranging from, 'Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?' to…" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Follow the money!" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You live, you learn, right? Thank you, Alanis." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)

» "Looks like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)

• "Chris, is time running out on Richmond's chances to control their future?"
  "Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo."
  "Yes, Chris. I do." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You Nigerian motherfucker! You Yoruba trash. You medium-talent piece of shit."
  "Medium-talent?"
  "I will dedicate my life to destroying you, you fucking asshole! I will buy your childhood home, and I will take a sh1t in every room. And then I will burn the place down. Yeah. Then, I will sit there, and I'll eat kenkey, and I'll poop on the fucking ashes." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• Ted Lasso Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

40. Scrabble of my eye (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)

Stray Observations

• "If you ever raise your fist at me again, I'll treat you like a nigga on the street." (BMF, S01E01)
• "She like the E.F. Hutton of crack." (BMF, S01E01)
• "Did you draw all these dicks?"
  "People grieve in their own way." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
• "But I need this software and years of data and samples – 15 years' worth – before you're too old to be reproductively interesting." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
• "When you were on The View, you called me strident."
  "None of that matters now. This place is a Rachel Maddow fever dream." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
• "Why this place? Your apartment seemed nice enough."
  "I didn't have enough Jim Crow-era stained glass at my place." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
• "Greek guys have the best eyes." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
• Gut Milk in wine glasses (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
• "He's not good for you."
  "Oh, I wasn't aware boys were supposed to be good for you." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
• "Not that I don't enjoy our hangs. The quiet and the loud ones." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
• "I made an Excel spreadsheet documenting every sexual encounter." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "He's watching G.I. Jane with Chelsea, and he cannot be disturbed." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "Oh, God, everything he gets me is so ugly."
  "I'll just say one word: Arkansas." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "It was when he gave me the Annie Lennox CD, which, I mean, just to say it, that's completely a make-out album. Like, it's not even subtle." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• Vernon Jordan slapping Monica's ass (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "Birthdays are for children."
  "Ugh, I don't get it. Did you have a bad experience in childhood or something?"
  "I'm German. You have to bake the cake yourself." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "Our first time together after the election, he was…so excited to see me that he, you know…he finished. But I didn't even notice. I mean, no one did. I went out to dinner that night with friends. When I got back home, I changed. And I, uh, assumed it was guacamole. And then I realized…"
  "Are you saving it?"
  "What? No. Ew. Don't be disgusting. I just haven't gotten any of those clothes dry-cleaned 'cause I haven't needed to wear them. What? Do you get your clothes dry-cleaned, like, every day?"
  "I just…I use Dryel." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "Paula Jones. Could she help me?"
  "Help you with what? Dating within your own bloodline? (American Crime Story, S03E04)
• "So you really think the secret to taking down Ultron is here?"
  "It's Russia, Hawkeye. Secrets were the national pastime." (What If…?, S01E08)
• "Your countrymen never heard of PDFs?"
  "Hard copies are harder to steal, easier to destroy. But code, code is slippery, and it never dies." (What If…?, S01E08)
• "Come on. Don't try to make this fun, Nat. My will-to-live meter is flatlining, okay?" (What If…?, S01E08)
• "Charles Xavier" file (What If…?, S01E08)
• "I've ruined a lot of laptops this way. It's true. Just ask S.H.I.E.L.D. IT." (What If…?, S01E08)

(What If…?, S01E08)

• "You cannot compute the power of my will." (What If…?, S01E08)

(What If…?, S01E08)

• "It's like I'm living with present day Randy Quaid." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
• "Now, I'm going to take this block of CTown cholesterol and masturbate to my Wisconsin ex-boyfriend-uh!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
• "Surround sound, baby! Isn't it dope?"
  "Yeah! Dope!"
  "Porn sounds sick on it!"
  "Yeah, I bet!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
• "Who's up for some Twister?"
  "I love Twister. Helen Hunt was so good in that. You remember that sitcom Wings?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
• "You know how we always say that New York isn't all that?"
  "We don't always say that."
  "Yeah, well, okay, if I'm gonna be acting, I need to go where the jobs flow like a river after a storm. LA. Los Angeles. Hollywood. It's been in front of me this whole time!"
  "Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. LA. Uh, if you can make it in that city, you can make it anywhere."
  "No."
  "That's in New York."
  "Yeah." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
• "Hobbies: cocaine" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
• "Hobbies: dealing with a breakup" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
• "But you have sex on Saturday."
  "Yes."
  "That doesn't seem kosher."
  "Yeah, well, I only bottom on Saturday. That way, he's the only one doing any work." (American Horror Story, S10E07)
• "Baby, when's the last time I ate your ass?"
  "I don't know, like, a week ago?"
  "I think I have Giardia again."
  "What the fuck is Giardia?"
  "It's when you eat ass…"
  "My ass is always spotless."
  "…and you get infected with invisible microbes or some shit. It's very common. I got it once senior year of high school."
  "When you were on the down-low with the quarterback, you ate the quarterback's ass?" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
• "My love, the first time I met you, the first time I heard you speak, I felt like I was hearing music for the first time, like the way it feels when you're 12 and you hear a song that instantly makes you into an adult."
  "Have we been watching Garden State?" (The Premise, S01E04)
• "No, it's a fucking urban myth, like ghosts or large penises." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
• "Lars Murderbone, Orlando Sentinel." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
• "So, hearing from one of my 'goyles out in Queens…" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)

• "Why did you yank me early?"
  "That's what she said. I just found out about that series of jokes." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
• "Poutine" Supreme shirt (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "Let's go kill two birds with one stone."
  "All right, yeah. Let's go…murder some birds with a rock." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "I had a torrid affair with Sam."
  "You and…"
  "Sam."
  "…uel L. Jackson?" (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "And now we're in a bit of a limbo situation."
  "Great party game, horrible relationship status." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• Banksy (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "You spelled 'favorite' wrong." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "If you excuse me, I'm gonna go hit one of my favorite British words, and my absolute favorite Diamond Phillips, the loo." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• ♫: Radiohead – "Karma Police" (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
• "There's no such thing as a bassoon solo. That's why I chose the instrument." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
• "I'm just trying to help, because I know bassoon players are basically celibate."
  "I think you got your facts wrong."
  "They basically live like monks. Bassoon players, they get nothing." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
• "The whole thing's very stressful. I'm used to more of a bassoon atmosphere." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
• "Listen, rule number one of drug deals: Don't get your mom involved." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
• "Let's start with $6,000 worth of Klondike bars."
  "We don't keep that many Klondike bars in stock. If you buy that whole shelf, it's $40."
  "Call someone."
  "Call Klondike?"
  "What, you scared? Give me Klondike's number. I'll call them."
  "I'm not scared to call Klondike."
  "This guy's scared to call."
  "This is such a weird challenge from two children." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
• "You're officially a man now. You sank your first ice cream truck." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Looking ahead: