Adam Riff™

34. 2003 (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

• CM Punk Has Arrived in AEW! (AEW Rampage, 20 Aug 21)

Stray Observations

• ♫ Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats – "Babe I Know" (Heels, S01E01)
• "Gotta protect my hot wife." (The White Lotus, S01E06)

(The White Lotus, S01E06)

• The White Lotus Season Grade: C
• "It's Elora Danan. Your niece."
  "And I'm Madmartigan." (Reservation Dogs, S01E03)
• "That's when I became a recluse, and I moved out here. I only go to town to borrow some flower from my cousin, Frank. I live off the land, mainly."
  "Looks like you go to Sonics a lot." (Reservation Dogs, S01E03)
• "You know, I told you I live off the land."
  "And Sonics." (Reservation Dogs, S01E03)
• Ravager Thanos (What If…?, S01E02)
• "We steal from the rich and give to the poor, just like that earthling folk hero of yours, right? Robin Leach." (What If…?, S01E02)
• Howard the Duck (What If…?, S01E02)
• "I simply abhor drama."
  "Your outfit would suggest otherwise." (What If…?, S01E02)
• "Are you crazy? You'll never take them yourself."
  "Not crazy… Mad." (What If…?, S01E02)
• "I was the one who told you I wanted to see the world. All you did was show me the universe." (What If…?, S01E02)
• "My friend, that sounds an awful lot like genocide." (What If…?, S01E02)
• "She's like that chipmunk tornado."
  "Yeah! What?"
  "It's the Tasmanian Devil, okay?" (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E01)
• "Where you've been?"
  "I'm just at school now, actually, Nora."
  "Oh! Ortmo, cool! Dartmouth, yes! That's cool. Big, Big Five, right?" (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E01)
• "You have the organs of a 23-year-old Mormon." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E01)
• "I'm Greta, by the way."
  "Oh, Greta. Yeah. Like that awesome climate change girl, right?"
  "That, like, hoodied…vegan emo prophet?" (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E02)
• "You right now, you think that you're gonna grow up to be, like, an astronaut, like one of the—not the lady that drove across country in the diaper, but, like, a real cool astroanut." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E02)
• "You know, we could always go to Norms, get some pancakes, go home, binge-watch Roanoke."
  "Why does Sarah Paulson shit-talk that season? It's so good." (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• "I got HiHo burgers from Postmates." (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• "I don't need money, but I took a shit job at Erewhon just to have something to do with my days besides watch Family Feud." (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• "I usually only cry like this after I masturbate." (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• ♫ Noah Cyrus – "Ghost" (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• "I think I've spent enough time in the Murder House." (American Horror Stories, S01E07)
• American Horror Stories Season Grade: D

(Ultra City Smiths, S01E06)

• Ultra City Smiths Season Grade: C
• "O'Sullivan wants me to issue a statement of public support for the officer, to give them all extra hazard pay, and to wear this Never Forget Burrito ribbon."
  "Weird. It's the exact same color as my Color Blind Awareness ribbon." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "Well, it seems I was wrong. The 'whoop' is big after all." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "The trident has three prongs, like my approach."
  "Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquaman's trident has five prongs."
  "That's absurd. The prefix 'tri' means three. What this aquatic-man carries is better termed a 'pentadent.'"
  "No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut."
  "So you're 100% wrong, and everyone's laughing at you." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "What is going on with Detective Boyle? Is he okay?"
  "Oh, you mean why is he face-deep in cheese? Yeah, it's made from the milk of a Balkan donkey and apparently it's quite expensive."
  "Spent 12 thou on ass cheese."
  "Also, he's pretending like he doesn't know what ass cheese sounds like." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "Operation Trident is now Operation Fork." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "I don't have a tramp stamp."
  "Prove it. Show me your lower back."
  "Hmm. Seems I didn't know what a tramp stamp was." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "That lab is owned by David Share, brother of Nine-Nine officer Michael Share." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "The petard. It just won't stop hoisting." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E03)
• "'Dear Kevin, attached please find a picture of my penis. Sincerely, Raymond Holt.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E04)
• ♫ "Son of a bitch" ♫ (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E04)
• "You've gotta give it up for Zellweger." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• "Maybe it's piles."
  "Ah. I've accepted 'aubergine' and 'snogging,' but 'piles' I will not abide." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• "Nah, he's a wigwam in a tepee right now."
  "What does that mean?"
  "He's too tense." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• "Um, we have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• "She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me. I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• "I dated Gina Gershon once." (Ted Lasso, S02E05)
• Daniel Dae Kim (The Chair, S01E01)
• "Do you have fur on your vagina?" (The Chair, S01E02)
• "It's only about Hello Kitty with her."
  "Her favorite stuffy. She had to leave him at home because my dad hasn't recovered from the Japanese occupation." (The Chair, S01E02)
• "You shouldn't be pimping for David Duchovny." (The Chair, S01E04)
• "There's a lot of shootin' in Bulgaria." (The Chair, S01E05)
• ♫ David Duchovny – "Hell or Highwater" (The Chair, S01E05)
• The Chair Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

33. William Knife‐Man (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Earl's goodbye (Blindspotting, S01E01)
• VMA rehearsal (Dave, S02E10)
• Sex scene (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E04)

Stray Observations

• "Look, obviously, imperialism was bad. Shouldn't kill people, steal their land, and then make them dance. Everybody knows that. But it's humanity. Welcome to history. Welcome to America." (The White Lotus, S01E05)
• "I don't steal from people, you know?"
  "They stole from you! They stole all of this from you. You know that."
  "But it's different. It's, it's different people."
  "No, they're the same people. They're all the same people. Don't you see they're all the same people? All of these people, at some point, have stolen from someone like you." (The White Lotus, S01E05)
• "Greg, I told you to get the fuck out."
  "No. I still wanna fuck you." (The White Lotus, S01E05)
• "Sometimes, just watching them eat every night makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. The Lotus-eaters. 'Hateful is the dark-blue sky, vaulted o'er the dark-blue sea. Death is the end of life. Ah, why should life all labor be?'" (The White Lotus, S01E05)
• "Today is my Mobo Triton randonneur, so I'll be off the grid for a bit." (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• "Hold up, he had a partner who looked kinda like Krayzie Bone and they had lit a dude on fire that one time?" (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• Helen Hunt flashing (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• "Marriage is about love and responsibility."
  "Are you just reading off the walls right now?" (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• ♫: Too $hort – "Gettin' It" (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• "I was in the garage eating sorbet." (Blindspotting, S01E08)
• Blindspotting Season Grade: C
• "Your life isn't real, and I didn't save it." (Rick and Morty, S05E08)
• "No, Rick, it is you who must nibble my cloaca, or 'bird asshole.'" (Rick and Morty, S05E08)
• "Disloyalty acknowledged." (Rick and Morty, S05E08)
• "Anyone follow you?"
  "No. No one's following."
  "Yeah, just like his Insta." (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• ♫: Wu-Tang Clan – "Protect Ya Neck [The Jump Off]" (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• ♫: Broncho – "Class Historian" (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• "What kind of gang wears both red and blue?" (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• ♫: LABRYS – "Deeper" (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• ♫: Samantha Crain – "Joey" (Reservation Dogs, S01E01)
• ♫: Unidentified "Gone are the days of my youth that I never knew" song (Reservation Dogs, S01E02)
• "So, a dame and a flying Buick." (What If…?, S01E01)
• "Who needs a plan? I have a shield." (What If…?, S01E01)

» "I should have been the 'I.'" (Dave, S02E10)

• "Fuck you, Anthony Jeselnik!" (Dave, S02E10)
• "You just need to choose the material of the graft. Is it gonna be your skin or a cadaver?"
  "I don't want to use either. Corpse's dick?" (Dave, S02E10)
• "Dave! Would you please be quiet?"
  Both: "Sorry." (Dave, S02E10)
• "You ready to sodomize the world with that brand new dick?"
  "Is that ass-fuck?"
  "It's the professional way of saying it, yeah." (Dave, S02E10)
• Directed by Alma Har'el (Dave, S02E10)
• Dave Season Grade: C
• The North Water Season Grade: C
• "I can't lose you too, because if I do, I'm [sighs] I'm going lime. I'm going deep lime." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E05)
• "Deputy Mayor Jeff Thumb."
  "Yeah?"
  "Congressman Chris Pecker."
  "Yeah?"
  "Pecker. Thumb."
  "So?"
  "Last names. Burdens. For me and you."
  "Mine's not. Mine's a thumb."
  "Yeah?"
  "Yours is a dick, so I'm not in your club. Thumbs are cool."
  "Dicks are cool. Dicks are very cool."
  "Why are dicks cool?"
  "Why are thumbs cool?"
  "It's the thumb that allows us to pen an essay, turn a nut, pick up a coin, or button a shirt. Can you pick up a coin with your dick? Give it a shot."
  "I'm not stupid, Thumb. I know I can't pick up a coin with my penis. But there is one thing on your little list there that I could totally do, with it. If I had old-fashioned ink." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E05)
• "Does everybody have their river guns?"
  "Yeah."
  "Yeah."
  "No. I left mine at Starbucks." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E05)
• "He went full Schumer." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "She's probably too busy to see friends."
  "And yet I have time to see my friends and be a father and do my job and straight-up crush it at Goat Simulator on my Switch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "Hey, my client's in the conference room, but before we go in there, it wasn't easy getting her to agree to talk with a cop, so don't be too cop-ish. Just be normal."
  "Got it, normal, not too cop-ish. Won't be a problem."
  Mrs. Doubtfire "Helloooo!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "Yeah, got a low-drop fade with a crisp lining. I'm all about supporting Black businesses." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "It's clearly bogus, but an officer did break one of his fingers. Probably from tackling her to the ground."
  "Yeah, or from pointing it so hard at everyone but himself."
  "Who are you performing this for, Jake?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "You live with your mom?"
  "My ma lives with me…in her house." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "I have successfully hidden it for months – not very well, I might add. I made small talk with Peralta on five separate occasions, and he never even batted an eye. He just blathered on about someone named…Wario." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E01)
• "Nobody's on board with my scheme? Is it because I called it a scheme? I can say something different. Nobody's on board with my stratagem?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "This is surprising. You're usually a lot more petulant when we don't go along with your schemes."
  "Stratagems." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Uh, you do know there's no phone reception at the lake house."
  "No! How am I gonna catch Pokémon?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Let's just say you're definitely gonna want my nip tips. Tips that nip a problem in the bud."
  "Why don't you just say 'tips'?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Sir, you have something on your pants."
  "Huh, I've sat in some sap, like a sap."
  "At least you have a sense of humor about it."
  "Not intentionally. I was upset and stumbled into accidental wordplay." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "I'll have a snack of some water." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Scully, don't throw chips at my baby!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? It's immediately awful!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Das Doppelte Lottchen!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "I knew my stratagem had classy origins." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "I finally spot a corn crake, and my eyes are swollen shut."
  "It's okay, Kevin. I'll describe it to you. Okay, have you ever seen a duck?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Those are some hot Pantones." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Okay, whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes there, Sonic."
  "What?"
  "Sonic the Hedgehog. You've been hogging that hedge while I was out on a ledge. No, you didn't have to deal with anyone saying it was a bad idea, so you don't get the credit either. This was 100% all me, Dr. Robotnik."
  "Who?"
  "Sonic's archnemesis!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E02)
• "Listen, Phoebe, problems, they're like mushrooms, yeah? The longer you leave them in the dark, the bigger they get." (Ted Lasso, S02E04)
• "Why did you bring a date to the team Christmas party?"
  "The French believe that having a beautiful woman around is always a good thing."
  "That was not true with the Helter Skelter murders." (Ted Lasso, S02E04)
• "Am I getting notes of Beijing?" (Ted Lasso, S02E04)
• "You're willing to miss a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz? 'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun."
  "Don't get me wrong, they are incredible. But all I really want to see those two do together is fuck." (Ted Lasso, S02E04)
• ♫: Folk Implosion – "Natural One" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E01)
• "'The killer was not like a jellyfish.'" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E01)
• "This bitch just puked a cat!" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E02)
• "Oh, God! It bit your dick?"
  "No, no, no. The bite causes a very painful erection."
  "What?"
  "Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's right."
  "Yeah, very dangerous."
  "God, is it an allergic reaction or…?"
  "I'll get some ice."
  "Some… For his dick?" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E04)
• "Why is Lou Burke's son eating dog food?" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E05)
• ♫: Primus – "Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E06)
• "Did you eat this man?" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E06)
• ♫: Concrete Blonde – "Tomorrow, Wendy" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E06)
• "If you're gonna throw up, please let me know so I can turn away. It's different if it's a kitten. Okay, so whose door can we knock on for some spontaneous sex magic?" (Brand New Cherry Flavor, S01E07)
• Brand New Cherry Flavor Season Grade: D

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

32. Pest Education (Rick and Morty, S05E07)

Stray Observations

• "Mom, Paula can't keep eating this much fruit."
  "Why not?"
  "I have fructose malabsorption." (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• "I gave it to the one over there. The one with the khaki face." (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• "There's a deep-sea fisherman staying next door. And he's with a group from Black Lives Matter." (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• "I wanna do something meaningful."
  "Oh, but those jobs are so awful, honey. They make no money."
  "Yeah, but I don't need to make a lot of money."
  "But what's even the point? Those jobs are just asking wealthy people for their money. Your job would literally be to ask yourself for money. It's all about money. Money, money, money. And if you have money, then that's what you bring to the table. You don't need to work." (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• "Where are you going?"
  "I'm gonna go ape shit on this guy."
  "We're in the middle of a fight!"
  "We have the rest of our lives to fight." (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• Analingus (The White Lotus, S01E04)
• "I bowl for the Big Accountskis. The bruhs abide." (Blindspotting, S01E07)
• "Miles' dad left forever. You have a restraining order out against your father. Trish's dad is an old friend with a turkey baster. Monthly Dad is a step up for this family." (Blindspotting, S01E07)
• Helen Hunt doing the Wobble (Blindspotting, S01E07)
• ♫: Jennah Bell – "Green and Blue" (Blindspotting, S01E07)
• ♫: Benjamin Earl Turner – "Yoni Pop" (Blindspotting, S01E07)
• "Cash out on Forex and meet me at Hudson Yards." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E10)
• "Now you can ride off into the sunset and think about all of them couches you gonna sleep on." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E10)
• "Kareem's Larry's Bike Shop. Keeping community while putting myself front and center." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E10)
• "I'll stop jacking off if you get me out of here, bro." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E10)
• "See you on the next couch." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E10)
• Flatbush Misdemeanors Season Grade: C
• Goodfellas (Rick and Morty, S05E07)
• ♫ "A bit of pasta with some anime combined" ♫ (Rick and Morty, S05E07)
• "Morty, we're not attractive strangers next to you on a flight to Paris, traveling alone to get over a break-up, so this is no time to be coy!" (Rick and Morty, S05E07)
• "I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret."
  "Okay. Who's on the Supreme Court, and what state do we live in?" (Rick and Morty, S05E07)
• "They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they?"
  "I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, mom."
  "Whoa, easy now, Naruto." (Rick and Morty, S05E07)
• Biff Wiff (Dave, S02E09)
• "Before you go, what's the Wi-Fi password here?"
  "Um, 'GoInward,' all one word."
  "Okay. It's not working. It's the full N-word?" (Dave, S02E09)
• "It actually feels kind of like, uh, queso from Qdoba." (Dave, S02E09)
• "Oh, fuck it. I was trying to fart." (Dave, S02E09)
• "Mmm, this is like Kodak Black with a hint of…Young Dolph." (Dave, S02E09)
• "I'm just, like, not well-equipped to understand this type of, uh, shit. You know? I didn't even understand Men in Black the first time." (Dave, S02E09)
• "Go on up. I'll collect these wet paper scraps that used to be your pants." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E04)
• "All right, Lloyd, why don't you go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah?"
  "And hit you with my best shot?" (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• Directed by Ezra Edelman (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• "Oh, the British Girl Shop."
  "Why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war. Emma's had scurvy."
  "Yes, the Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided."
  "Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits."
  —
  "Right, so how'd her parents die? Factory fire? Eaten by rats?"
  "No. Zoe's from the modern line. Her parents were canceled." (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• "I haven't seen a pass that soft since my high school drama teacher asked me to mow his lawn." (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• "Maybe they don't have Chuck E. Cheese here."
  "He's a mouse but he's also a musician."
  "And he loves video games and pizza." (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• Richard Cole ← Dickhole (Ted Lasso, S02E03)
• "Can't trust a place with a red wine milkshake on the menu." (Dr. Death, S01E02)
• "What happened to beer? You ask for a Bud, you get an IPA. You ask for a Coors, you get an IPA."
  "Life is hard for you, right?" (Dr. Death, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva