Cast of thousands, but we were the real two

on

Henry Rollins plays Jack, an immortal cannibal who avoids all emotional entanglements, as he either tends to outlive his friends, or eat them. Jack is forced to confront his past when he meets the daughter he never knew he had, and must walk a tight rope of sobriety while trying to eat as few people as possible in a violent tale of personal responsibility. [source]

[pause]

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster
6. He Never Died

Also spotted at the Cannes Film Market:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


20. Adam Sandler's Musical Ode to David Letterman (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-12-15)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Less enemies for us."
    "Fewer."
    "What?"
    "Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
  • Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • "I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
    "Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
    "Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)


(Veep, S04E05)

  • "My advice? Tom James."
    "He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
    [pause] (Veep, S04E05)
  • "You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
  • "What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
    "Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
    "Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
    "Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)


(China, IL, S03E06)

  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
  • "Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
    "Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
    "Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
  • "Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)


(Black-ish, S01E23)

  • "Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "I'll send everybody home."
    "No, you won't."
    "Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
    "What were you doing in there?"
    "None of your business, Tranquility."
    "Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
  • "Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
    "You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
    "No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
  • The Pen Is Mightier! (Celebrity Jeopardy!, 05-15-15)
  • Amazing Race spirit flags (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • A selfie memory challenge? (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D+
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: B-
  • "This isn't gonna be easy."
    "Why not? We can do this. I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum?"
    "That was a walk in the park." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "She's all yours, Hector. Take care of her."
    "Clocking in Hector Taycarofher." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • ♫: Nicky Blitz – "Blast Off" (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • Still handcuffed to George Clooney! (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "If something is true, it is not sentimental." (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "China has banned its soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier: 'But my daughter made it for me.'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E21)
  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C-

#clipoftheweek

Nobody barks orders to Mad Max

on

"Fuck! Goddammit!"

I banged my left knee into a filing cabinet on my way to my bathroom to pee this morning.

Injuring a knee, being unable to do cardio for an extended period of time, and getting fat has replaced gynecomastia as my biggest fear. I have, a number of times, run for 80+ minutes on my left toes, powering through plantar fasciitis in my left foot, because I couldn't stand letting calories go unburned.

Earlier this year, I added lap swimming to my workout rotation to help preserve my knees, but had to stop because the water in my gym's pool was wrecking my sinuses. And while I can afford to pay for access to other 25m+ pools in my area, I also need to save money for possible knee replacement surgeries.

If only those vibrating belt machines worked.

Carnage Asada

on

Halloween costume: "That thing on Aaron Neville's forehead."

Around 1986, Dave approved my transcribing an old episode of the show, then using this as a script to remake that episode with other actors playing him, Paul, and the guests. Richard Roundtree — Shaft! — was to play Dave.

I once pitched an "interrupt bit" called "What Do You Think of This?" It was simple and to the point. In the middle of the Top Ten, fellow writer and slovenly comedian Louis C.K. walks out to home base, lifts his T-shirt to reveal his engorged fat stomach, then asks Dave, "What do you think of this?"

"All Week Long William F. Buckley Rates the Mustard." The idea was that Mr. Buckley would come in through the blue doors in the NBC studio, hold up a jar of mustard, and eat a teaspoonful. With great importance, he'd ponder the flavor and describe the mustard's most pronounced qualities, then say something like, "That's mama's milk!" or "For intravenous use only!"

After the idea was shot down, I likely resubmitted it suggesting we replace Buckley with Manute Bol.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


19. The Guy From Jeff's Gym (Community, S06E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "She does her BM in the PM." (Bob's Burgers, S05E18)
  • "Please limit your alerts to Roy G. Biv." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "I can't make a woman's choice for her. I stand with Wendy! Did I do that right?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "Terry loves lavender." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "Carol's a real special lady."
    "Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • "You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
  • "Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
    "For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)


"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)


(Mad Men, S07E12)

  • "I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
    "Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
    "How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • "I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Dead kids baked in the cupcakes." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "We're engaged."
    "No, you're not."
    "Yes, we are."
    "I'm 48!" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "I heard that she's supposed to have the worst of the STDs."
    "No way. A baby?" (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "Dude, get your molesterol checked." (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "A knife is a good friend when you have no other." (Gotham, S01E22)
  • Gotham Season Grade: D+
  • ♫: The Head and the Heart – "Rivers and Roads" (New Girl, S04E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: D
  • "Do Irish tears not sparkle?" (Modern Family, S06E22)
  • "I'm sorry if they don't talk that way in Lightskinsylvania." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "I was a LUG – lesbian until graduation." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "Crazy Glazy." (Louie, S05E05)


(Louie, S05E05)

  • ♫: "Diarrhea Song" (Louie, S05E05)
  • "Attention, staff. Bob Odenkirk played a lawyer on Breaking Bad. That is Saul." (Childrens Hospital, S06E08)
  • Jimmy/Steve! (Orphan Black, S03E04)
  • Home video of Kenan = D2: The Mighty Ducks (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)
  • "If you want to fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him." (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)

#clipoftheweek

Mujibur and Sirajul

on

THE LOBSTER is the English language debut of Yorgos Lanthimos (Dogtooth).

In the near future, single people, according to the rules of The City, are arrested and transferred to The Hotel. There they are obliged to find a matching mate in 45 days. If they fail, they are transformed into an animal of their choosing and released into The Woods. A desperate Man escapes from The Hotel to The Woods where The Loners live and falls in love, although it is against their rules.

Adding it to the list. Hoping Lanthimos rebounds from Alps.

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster

Tom is acting crazy about balls

on

My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

While driving him home from school one day, I note that I played Magic when it debuted [true] and [because I like fucking with people] that I had a Black Lotus.

He doesn't know what a Black Lotus is, and just begins quizzing me about Magic.

"How do you a tap a card?"
"Turn it sideways."

"What are the five card colours?"
"Uhh… Red, green, blue, black, and…pink."
"Wrong! Pink is not a colour."
"Pink was one of the original colours."

"What does a Mountain card do?"
"I…don't know."
"Did you really play Magic?"
"Yes, but it's been over 20 years since I last played!"

And I only played it briefly, before foolishly getting in on the ground floor of Jyhad.

The next time I drove my nephew home from school:

"Pink was never a Magic card colour! I looked it up."

[pause]

He then asks me if he can have my Black Lotus, which I assume he also looked up.

"Uhh… Maybe for your birthday," which is in November. "And only if I can find it. It's somewhere in storage."

Two months pass without any more Black Lotus talk, when this week:

"Do you really have a Black Lotus?"
"Yup."
"Can I have it? A Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays."
"I told you. Maybe for your birthday."
"Well, can I at least see your Black Lotus before then to verify that you have one?"
"If I have time to trek to storage and find it."
"Where's storage?"
"Southern California."

"All right, I'll show it to you in July."
"No! I'll be in Taiwan then. [he spends summers in Taiwan with his maternal grandparents] I want to see it by the end of May. And if you don't show it to me by then, you have to give me five dollars."
"What?"
"And for every month after May that passes without me having seen your Black Lotus, you have to—"
"I'm not paying you interest on failing to show you a Magic card!"

"Why don't I just give you two cents to buy a Black Lotus?"
"There's also tax and shipping…"
"Okay, I'll give you five dollars and two cents – but not until your birthday."

Later that day, I figure that if a Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays, I should just buy one and pass it off as my own.

I check eBay.

$11,000?!

Lil' fucker lied to me.