Adam Riff™

25. Salma Hayek (Black Mirror, S06E01)

Honourable Mention

• ♫: "The Gays Are Coming Home to Win the Night" (The Other Two, S03E08)

Stray Observations

• "You look like a treat. Imagine my tongue on your pussy. My fat tongue." (The Idol, S01E02)
• "Fuckin' stretch that tiny, little pussy. I want you to suck my cock." (The Idol, S01E02)
• ♫: Chloe and Izaak – "That's My Family" (The Idol, S01E02)
• "I'm from this town outside Denver called Columbine. Have you heard of it?"
  "I have."
  "Really?" (Platonic, S01E06)
• "I got you a sixer."
  "You got that for me?"
  "Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy."
  "There's only four in here."
  "I drank two of 'em, of course."
  "Okay. All right. Well, thank you."
  "Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack and not drink two?"
  "Well, yeah. That's kind of the kind thing to… But I– Look, um, thank you for the four."
  "If I'm being honest, I drank four. Two of those are piss." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E03)
• "Featuring performances from singers who get anxious sometimes, like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt, and the cast of Hamilton, still. Plus, a powerful speech from Parkland survivor insert name of Parkland survivor we can get." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Thank you, John Legend. Another B+." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "How else can we distract a gay man?"
  "Oh, my God! Brooke, I'm a daddy!" (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "'Anyway, this is a lot of texts, and I know we're not together anymore, but I just wanted to say 'hi,' and that I miss you…and your dick. God I miss your big, fat dick.' Oh, my God. Those were all tweets again. Delete, delete, delete." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Mmm. Amazing. Is that salt?" (Black Mirror, S06E01)
• "They made me the gayest man on earth" – Jaboukie (Black Mirror, S06E01)
• "What was the name of that Netflix thing? About the guy that killed women?"
  "Maybe narrow that down." (Black Mirror, S06E02)
• "Looks like he wipes his arse with his house." (Black Mirror, S06E05)
• </Black Mirror, S06>

24. Jaleel White (The Eric Andre Show, S06E02)

Stray Observations

• "Who hasn't? Who among us has not had cսm on their face? I, I think it used to be fun. Didn't it used to be f– Wasn't that a hot date years ago?" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Twitter is calling her the human cum sock!" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Okay, the thought of you younger is terrifying to me."
  "I was having fun. I was getting fucked in the ass of the Capitol Records building stairwell and then walking straight into meetings." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "I've never fucked anyone with a rat-tail before." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Pop music is like the ultimate Trojan Horse. Ya get people to dance, ya get people to sing along. Could say whatever you want. Shit's powerful." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Do you ever listen to Donna Summer? 'Love to Love You Baby'? When she sings, there's no doubt that she knows how to fuck. You could hear it in her voice. You can feel it." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Dude, I totally know you. We were at the Quibi funeral." (The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

• Yeastie Boys (Platonic, S01E05)
• "Oh, my God. Is that Machine Gun Kelly?"
  "He looks like something from, uh, the Simon Wiesenthal Center." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "I'm worried you're having one of those brain glitches where you get obsessed with something like a Roomba stuck in a corner." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "When I meet a boring person, I like to ask them questions. Like, 'What's the first exhibit you go to at the zoo?'"
  "Which one do you go to first?"
  "The shrimps."
  "What?" (Platonic, S01E05)
• "How much money are you spending on these Dwayne Johnson energy drinks?"
  "Quite a bit. I basically live on them now."
  "Maybe you could cut back a little bit. I mean, you don't have to buy everything The Rock tries to sell you, you know." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, listen, I don't really have any interest in your, uh, bulk tin of low-end economy nuts." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Now, Frank, would you like to start this meeting off with a fancy nut?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "So, look, guys, let's pool all of our remaining nut together and turn it into a big pile of green, and then everybody gets a taste."
  "Okay, I didn't love the sound of that, but, uh…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, this is great. This is just great. You know, like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E02)
• "Simu Liu re-created an entire Applebee's for her?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "And remember, you're at dinner, so have fun, uh, but also, it's Applebee's, so there should be some deadness behind the eyes, kinda like, uh, 'We could've eaten anywhere. Why'd we choose here?' sort of thing." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "Yeah, Simu Liu is such a good daddy." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I worked very hard to find the extra right bad ones. My fave is probably this one right here that simply says 'piss.'"
  "Yes, I can see that it does say 'piss' on my son's chest."
  "And this one here is Piglet, but with tits. And then under his arm is Eeyore, but with tits. And on his back is the day his dad died."
  "I'm sorry, how is that one bad?"
  "I mean, you didn't let me finish. With tits. Bing-bong." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I don't see it on the menu, but I'm gonna have the peas and carrots that everyone's talking about, sometimes at the same time on top of each other?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I'm absolutely not doing that, Simu Liu." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "You came up with the most bad man there is: A good man." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I helped you get Gay Minute and Age Net Worth Feet! All I do is support you!" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I mean, for the last month, all I've been able to do 'for my safety' is sit on a private jet and get eaten out non-stop by Marvel's Simu Liu. Like, that's my whole life." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• </Top Chef, S20>

23. Wedding Photo (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

• Lil Dicky and Brad Pitt communicating silently (Dave, S03E10)
• Eggman Game (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E02)

Stray Observations

• "And we should…we should, uh, Czechoslovakia it. You know? We should make it all lovely velvet, parting of the ways." (Succession, S04E10)
• "New Jess, New Jess." (Succession, S04E10)
• "More fucking hanging than a dictator's birthday." (Succession, S04E10)
• "You grabbed the crown and pushed me out, so I don't know why I'm the cunt here."
  "Cunt is as cunt does."
  "Oh, amazing. Wow, Cicero on the, on the wheels of steel." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Sometimes, I feel like every fish in the city is the same piece of Xeroxed branzino." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Because, frankly, the margins on this thing are just so creamy that I, I honestly would feel like a terrible shit…"
  "Are you hearing this?"
  "Creamy margins." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Pics or it didn't happen." (Succession, S04E10)
• "There's no bad sharks in Bim, baby. They're North Atlantic."
  "Well, they can commute. All the seas, in case you didn't know this, are connected." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Did he…?"
  "Yeah." (Succession, S04E10)
• "After which all unstickered items will be pooled and distributed in reverse alphabetical order, other than those stickered by the, uh, second tier, excuse me, uh, bereaved." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I have some pretty cool stuff coming in, like a cow print couch." (Succession, S04E10)
• "We're, uh, really excited how this long distance thing can, uh, add another dimension, you know, to…"
  "Yeah, add a little spice, you know?"
  "Yeah."
  "That's hot."
  "As we, you know, get deeper into the marriage."
  "Yeah, that's sexy. They call it the second-week itch, I believe." (Succession, S04E10)
• "You like pancakes and waffles and you kiss guys on Molly. You're not the…heart of darkness. You're…you're a grilled cheese with a sucked dick." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I love you. I… Really, I love you, but I cannot fucking stomach you." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I'm the eldest boy!" (Succession, S04E10)
• "I'm just saying what Dad said."
  "Well, don't say it, you fucking cuck."
  "They are a pair of randos. One is a buy-in. The other is half Rava, half some filing-cabinet guy, right?" (Succession, S04E10)
• </Succession, S04>
• Nat? (Yellowjackets, S02E09)
• </Yellowjackets, S02>
• "Oh, wow." (Barry, S04E08)
• </Barry, S04>
• "Oh, shut up, Thierry Henry." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "It don't make sense! Two years ago, we played so bad, we had to drop down from the Premier League to a lower league that was called…"
  "The Championship."
  "See, that don't make sense. Now, this year, we played so well, we qualified to get into another league, and that one's called…"
  "The Champions League."
  "Entirely different league, pretty much the same name, though. That don't make sense. And now y'all are tellin' me that to get into the 'Champions League,' you can finish as low as…"
  "Fourth place. That don't make no sense! Why?"
  "Money." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "I never know how to react when a white guy does the running man in front of everyone." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "Wicked."
  "Kinky boots." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)

RT: this is maybe the ugliest shot i've ever seen on any tv show (Ted Lasso, S03E12)

• </Ted Lasso, S03>
• Watching the Succession finale (Platonic, S01E04)
• Brad Pitt (Dave, S03E10)
• "He's a white Chinese." (Dave, S03E10)
• Brad Pitt's Chinese accent (Dave, S03E10)
• "What's up, brother? I-I call everyone 'brother.'" (Dave, S03E10)
• "And I said, like, don't change the diaper in front of us, 'cause I hate seeing the baby vagina. 'Cause, like, I don't want to look at it and think, like, do I have attraction or not?" (Dave, S03E10)
• Dave's reaction when GaTa gets the gun (Dave, S03E10)
• Drake (Dave, S03E10)
• ♫: Lil Dicky – "Song with Drake" (Dave, S03E10)
• </Dave, S03>
• "Help! My nachos!" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Sorry, so this, this goo is homosexual?"
  "The goo is homosexual." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I'm so sorry. She's just having a really hard time. But I promise, if you'd met her 30, 31 years ago, you'd have really loved her." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I wish my dad were alive to see Globby." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I'm basically just traveling the world with Simu Liu." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Okay, okay. Uh, this person is gay."
  "Ellen! Uh, NPH! Uh, Ben Platt!" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Uh, this queen is full star."
  "Ben Platt! NPH! Uh, Ellen." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "God Hates Globs"
  "Snot Is Straight" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Disney does suck. What was cut?"
  "Uh… My glob, um…sucked the other glob's dick?" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• ♫: The MIDI Mafia – "I Hope Your Hear Me" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Inheritances are tragedies. They always end badly." (Drops of God, S01E08)
• </Drops of God, S01>
• "Before you make your decision, I just want you to know, I believe Carlos is a ho." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E01)
• "I'm gonna fucking kill you, Driving Crooner!" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E01)
• "Now I got a car stuck in my ponytail and I'm fucked!" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E02)
• "Did anyone get hurt?"
  "[sigh] Kim Kardashian's head fell off." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E03)
• "Hey! What the hell's going on?"
  "This guy's trying to start a pay-it-forward chain."
  [tires squealing]
  "55 burgers, 55 fries…" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E03)
• "You talking shit about me?"
  "What? No."
  "What were you talking about? Were you really talking about sex?"
  "Yeah, fingering." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E04)
• "I'm sorry, guys. I can't remember the words. I know it's something about his cock goes in the dog, he fucks the dog, and then the dog's dinner is his cum." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• "Now comes the time of the night when I face the wall and give you guys a chance to jack off." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• ♫: Edouard Antoine Robert Algayon, Leyla Bouria, and Virginie Peraldi – "I'll Be Waiting for Your Love" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• </I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03>