Adam Riff™

46. Lance Reddick! (The Eric Andre Show, S02E07)

Honourable Mention

• Lady Gaga and R. Kelly! (Saturday Night Live, S39E06)

Stray Observations

• "I want a magic vibrating club just like any other boy!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
• "I'm one semester away from graduating."
  "Oh Pud, there are no jobs out there." (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
• "Here's a magazine about jugs. Their secret is they love pottery?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
• "You'll never get a better family dentist who's in your provider network!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
• "I will cut him from nave to chops."
  "You'll find the meat tough, doctor." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E10)
• "A real man knows there's only one direction to face, and that's fucking forward." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "April's different. She's a white person." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "You can fucking catch me dead before I goddamn go caroling, all right? That shit's for Christians and retards."
  "You've got lonely eyes, Kenny. I can see it."
  [scoffs] "Not lonely. Just went on a fucking coke binge last night. I'm tired." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "Y'all are gonna sit here and cry about a wolf when I got Nobu catering this shit?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "Why are the kids wearing veils?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "My dick is a little bitch!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "Fame, fortune, power, titties – people say these are the most crucial things in life." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
• "It wasn't as small as we were expecting."
  "You wanted Anne Frank's place to be smaller?"
  "In the book, she says how cramped it is. But it's actually quite spacious." (Hello Ladies, S01E07)

(China, IL, S02E08)

• "It's apocryphal what this man is telling these children." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E07)
• "I look like Arsenio." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)

• "I thought I could handle my brown." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)
• "Guess who got a trainer? I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds." (New Girl, S03E08)
• "It's easy as peanuts? That's not an expression."
  "Peanuts is an acronym. PEANUTS stands for: Physical Education Activity Nuts." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "What's up, Jason Street?" (New Girl, S03E08)
• "It says 'no MSG' on the menu. It also says it with the… What do you call the circle with the diagonal line?"
  "It's the Ghostbusters thing."
  "It says it with words, and it says it with the Ghostbusters thing." (New Girl, S03E08)
• "Chinese food menage." (New Girl, S03E08)
• "Ironside!" (New Girl, S03E08)
• "Thomas and Abel will not be raised by you. What you do now will determine how we deliver that message. 'Mommy moved away' or 'mommy passed away'?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E10)
• "You think I did that? I look like the Taliban to you?" (American Horror Story, S03E06)
• "When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted." (American Horror Story, S03E06)
• "That's how Xbox people are." (South Park, S17E07)
• "Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice control functionality." (South Park, S17E07)
• "Sony people don't think with logic." (South Park, S17E07)
• "You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth." (South Park, S17E07)
• "Moist is the classy wet." (The League, S05E11)
• "Get this. I just asked the DJ what R.E.M. albums he has. He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People."
  "Wow."
  "I know! It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party? No, it's an early '90s party." (Parks and Recreation, S06E06)
• "You said you were like Chuck Norris."
  "I am, but I'm like Chuck Norris now." (Parks and Recreation, S06E06)

(Parks and Recreation, S06E06)

• "No matter what happens, you will never acquire my thinking PJs, or my YouTube blazer." (Parks and Recreation, S06E07)
• "Our ratings are lower than the final episode of M*A*S*H." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E15)
• "You [Jim Gaffigan] have a very famous joke about crepes. I was wondering do you have any future jokes about other handheld foods?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E15)

#clipoftheweek

45. Clay's sermon (Sons of Anarchy, S06E09)

Honourable Mention

• Van Alden in boss mode (Boardwalk Empire, S04E09)
• Water jetpack showdown (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
• YouTube Challenge – I Told My Kids I Ate All Their Halloween Candy 2013 (Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11-04-13)
• Zoe's chainsaw massacre (American Horror Story, S03E05)
• OMGWTF"Applause" (Glee, S05E04)
• Fredro Starr raps after being injected with novocaine (The Eric Andre Show, S02E06)

Stray Observations

• "Why would you headbutt me?"
  "I was gonna punch you, but I'm holding wine." (Bob's Burgers, S04E03)
• "I am relaxed." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E09)
• "Nobody messes with me, nobody messes with you, and nobody messes with Maria's titties." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
• "He never came inside that woman. After a few pumps, he withdrew his penis, and he started smashing it between the ring and the lid of the toilet for penance." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
• "God-damn woman! Throwing fuckin' mustard at me." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
• "My clitoris beat my vagina?" (Masters of Sex, S01E06)
• "LBC. Wet dick posse."
  "Ohhh. Sopping wet dicks. Yes, please." (Hello Ladies, S01E06)
• "Why'd you come to LA, dog?"
  "Uhh… I had to get out of England. Some shit went down."
  "Yeah? What kind of shit?"
  "Well, um, there was some, uhh, chaps, uhh, making, making trouble in my, in my, neighbourhood…" (Hello Ladies, S01E06)
• "Are you just watching us like we're Homeland?" (Fresh Meat, S03E01)
• "A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E07)
• "You and Malia broke up?"
  "Yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was like, eww, bye."
  "I guess her gain is our gain." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "For a chub, you're a terrible heavy." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "Is that Notorious N.A.G.? Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal?" (New Girl, S03E07)
• "Work trumps girls. Girls are replaceable, jobs are forever." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "If he can pee in Brazil, he can pee in my house." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "You're drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher."
  "Oh, those kids are watching a movie tomorrow." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "He's gonna get the whole precinct. This is a high income area. They're very bored in there." (New Girl, S03E07)
• "Serpentine!" (New Girl, S03E07)
• "This is your worst nightmare. There's a very good looking man in my bed, and he's naked, and I'm flushed, and I'm flustered. I might as well just spray paint 'Jay Cutler sucks!' on the wall and just round out the whole image." (New Girl, S03E07)
• Chucky and his kazoo (Sons of Anarchy, S06E09)

(South Park, S17E06)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E10)

• "When do you want me to serve the squash and the beef?"
  "So we're literally serving squash and beef?"
  "You said we're squashing beef. I thought it would be part of the ceremony to have squash and beef."
  "Yeah, it's all about the ceremony. That's why I got this bucket of dirt and a hatchet, so we can have a ceremonial burying of the hatchet."
  "Right, and after we do that, we're going to wipe the slate clean." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E10)
• "That was three pumps, and the rulebook says you cannot have more than two. Clearly three pumps." (Key and Peele, S03E08)
• "I'll take that ?uestlove down to a Kevin Hart in 20 minutes." (The League, S05E10)
• "I kinda accidentally gave you the Skrillex."
  "You shaved half of my pubes off?" (The League, S05E10)
• "It's gonna be three weeks before I get a Howie Long going. Another two years before I get my Polamalu back." (The League, S05E10)

(The League, S05E10)

• "And get me a Coke." (American Horror Story, S03E05)
• "You're one step up from the men who stand in front of Home Depot." (American Horror Story, S03E05)
• "I look like Siegfried and Roy." (Glee, S05E04)
• "It's called a 'swing gush.'" (The Greatest Event in Television History 3, 11-07-13)
• "As I said when I saw the bassist for the Pixies, it's a Deal." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E14)

#clipoftheweek