Adam Riff™

13. Defiant Jazz (Severance, S01E07)

Honourable Mention

• Asphyxiating Tupac (Atlanta, S03E02)
• Opening Title Sequence (Pachinko, S01E01)

Stray Observations

• "You do well with the ladies in Ohio?"
  "Michigan. And, yeah, I do aight."
  "So then you know real game comes down to feelings. Get a woman feeling safe, she's yours. Sprinkle a little nice on top of that, you got a freak for life." (Winning Time, S01E03)
• "Hang on. You should go get your diaphragm on." (Winning Time, S01E03)

(Better Things, S05E05)

• "The homeless count is never right. L.A. doesn't have the resources to recruit, train, or equip enough volunteers for a proper count. So the city took a page from New York."
  "The Flavor of Love contestant. You mean the city. New York, City. Okay, I'm starting to feel this fifth can."
  "N.Y.C. conducts its homeless count on the coldest night of the year, when the fewest people are actually on the street, but since L.A. is never that cold, D.H.S. decided our count would be on Oscar night."
  "The day L.A. moves all the unhoused people who live near the red carpet to the city of Glendale."
  "And potential volunteers are all stuck at home with Oscar fever." (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "Why aren't you at the shelter?"
  "Um, I don't love shelters. They're not that safe, and the curfew so early, it's dehumanizing."
  "But we got rid of the Souplantation smell."
  "Oh, you really didn't. I spent the night in one of those shelters the other week, and I'm still like, 'Where's the Italian wedding?'" (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "I make a difference. I got L.A. to put MALIN+GOETZ products in the mobile showers on the Plaza, so…" (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "Like how Ceviche started pulling her eyebrows out after her sister Landline was born. She's named after her grandmother's phone." (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "Oh, thanks for coming in early."
  "No sweat. I keep my sleep schedule two hours ahead of time in case I ever take a trip to Chicago." (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "Let them live on failed sitcom sets."
  "The kitchens don't work, and it's hard to get rid of Patty Heaton vibes." (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "So is this the part in your movie where that K.T. Tunstall song starts to play?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E02)
• "That man is in my pocket like Jay-Z after the elevator." (Abbott Elementary, S01E10)
• "Have a cookie. They're homemade from the grocery store." (Abbott Elementary, S01E10)
• Norm Nixon (Snowfall, S05E06)
• "I'm not married to anything, all right? Although I am a little in love with that article on marital rape." (Minx, S01E03)
• "Oh, my god. Jesus, Tommy!"
  "Oh, no, that's Bobby. His anus is bluer." (Minx, S01E03)
• "How about we have a drink?"
  "Sure. Okay. Got any beer?"
  "No, I do not. I have a lovely Pouilly-Fuissé." (Minx, S01E04)
• "I gave you my penis, and I want it back." (Minx, S01E04)
• "We got caught, all right? There is no escape. Now, it's time to accept our fate. Besides, kind of comforting, really, once you get your mind around it. I mean, look at this. I'm folding stuff…and that's okay." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E09)
• "So, uh, I reckon what makes Ed happy…is…you." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E09)
• Taika Waititi and Rhys Darby (Our Flag Means Death, S01E09)
• "Hello? Blackbeard, sir. I, um…I heard you need some assistance."
  "I'm in here. I'm in the blanket fort. The door's the blue cushion." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E10)
• </Our Flag Means Death, S01>
• "People fall in love, and then they move in with each other."
  "Not always. Sometimes people live very separate lives. Sometimes they live in the same lake house but actually live several years apart." (Starstruck, S02E02)
• "I just think you should try and be in better films. I mean, Mom's given you a white first name. Use it better." (Starstruck, S02E02)
• "He fucking Alan Rickman'd me." (Starstruck, S02E02)
• "It's very bassy!"
  "You said your old one wasn't bassy enough!"
  "This is too much bass! Nobody needs this much bass!" (Starstruck, S02E02)
• "'To Caleb. Dr. Kapoor wet the bed 'til he was 16."
  "Yeah, you know what? I'm actually not embarrassed by that, and understanding why that happened is actually what pushed me into medicine, so…" (Starstruck, S02E02)
• "I-I-I'm sorry, Felix, but it sounds like George Clooney was bullying you." (Starstruck, S02E03)
• The guy in the hat (Starstruck, S02E03)
• "I want to be in the glass room alone." (Starstruck, S02E03)
• "What do you want the tie to say?"
  "I'm sorry for your loss, and I can only stay for an hour max." (Starstruck, S02E04)
• "Well, yeah, it is my taste. It is nice. So I guess that makes me a fucking kook. I guess that makes me goddamn Helena Bonham Carter." (Starstruck, S02E05)
• "And stop saying 'feelings' so much. You sound so American." (Starstruck, S02E05)
• "Why is it raining now? I hate your country!" (Starstruck, S02E06)
• </Starstruck, S02>
• "Town full of Black folk. They were almost white."
  "They were almost white?"
  "White's not a real thing, right? There's no scientific basis for it. People just…become white. It's social. White is where you are. It's when you are. Armenians are white as hell 'til they ain't. When they dammed the Chattahoochee, some refused to leave. They thought they were safe. They'd paid to be white. With enough blood and money, anyone can be white. It's always been that way. But the thing about being white is, it blinds you. It's easy to see the Black man as cursed because you've separated yourself from him. But you don't know…you're enslaved just like him. Cold whiteness. You're hypothermic. You lose logic. You see the blood…and you think someone else is bleeding. Everyone is screaming at you to turn the machine off, but you can't hear them. You can't even hear yourself saying, 'We're cursed, too.'" (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "Since you love to dance so much, go 'head. Shoot it. Come on, shoot! You got these people up here thinking you retarded. Your ass gonna end up in them SPED classes. Now whip. Mm-hmm. Ay. Ay. Ay. Nae Nae. Come on. Hit it. Hit it! If you don't start using your common sense and acting right, these white people, they gon' kill you. Kill…you. Now do the worm." (Atlanta, S03E01)
• Frying chicken in a microwave (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "Um, where's the washcloth?" (Atlanta, S03E01)

(Atlanta, S03E01)

• "Why don't you try singing a song while you work? It might make you feel better."
  "♪ I feel like I'm Gucci Mane in 2006 / All these diamonds dancing on… ♪"
  "N-No, not like that. Sing something silly, like, um… ♪ I don't want to work no more. ♪" (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "Aw. Is Hugs your father?" (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "All four of our children are Black, so we always make sure to tell them that the police are their friends."
  "Yeah. Hey, you know who he reminds me of in that hat? Aloe Blacc." (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "I know being here isn't easy for you, but I am gonna love that right out of you." (Atlanta, S03E01)
• ♫: Wilson Phillips – "The Dream Is Still Alive" (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "These white women are gonna kill us."
  "Yeah nigga, we know!"
  "Sweet release." (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "This city is my Jesus." (Atlanta, S03E01)
• "All right, uh, can I get some ice with that, too?"
  "Uh, yes. Uh, cubes?"
  "Yeah, oh, cube, man. Not crushed. I don't want to…chew my water." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "What's with all the blackface?"
  "Blackface?"
  "Oh, nigga, stop acting like you don't know what…"
  "Ah. That's, uh, Zwarte Piet. That's, uh, for the children. It's a long tradition passed down for many generations, so… Actually, he's black because he fell down the chimney, uh, helping, uh, Saint Nicholas."
  "Okay, well, feels like Santa's slave, but I respect the rebrand." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• Tupac (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Love your songs, man." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Hello. Please, may I help with your…"
  "Nigga, if you don't get the fuck out my face…" (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Is this a nice welcome to my country?"
  "Oh, hell yeah. Holland slaps." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Same ratchet-ass hoes, different-ass city." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Hey, I'm-a wash my ass. You good?" (Atlanta, S03E02)
• ♫: 2Pac – "Hail Mary" (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "Turn the clogs around, bro, we ain't doing this sh¡t." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "You fuck me? I will destroy you." (Atlanta, S03E02)
• "I need 300 pieces of fried chicken. All legs." (Atlanta, S03E02)

(Severance, S01E07)

• "The Music Dance Experience is officially canceled." (Severance, S01E07)
• "If you're not satisfied, I'll make them grovel until you are." (Pachinko, S01E02)
• "Americans love games. Everything becomes one." (Pachinko, S01E02)
• "America. I went there once."
  "How was it there?"
  "Everything. And nothing." (Pachinko, S01E02)
• "Don't look down on her tears. She earned the right to those." (Pachinko, S01E03)
• "I'm not under any illusion about my fate. I understand my child and I will be outcasts, that I'll have to leave the boarding house so as not to ruin my mother's business. I know all this. And yet…I…I was loved by an outcast." (Pachinko, S01E03)

Looking forward:

Ludovico Technique.

12. Tenacious D (Minx, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Succession's Brian Cox Now Starring in Euphoria (Jimmy Kimmel Live, 14 Mar 2022)
• Seth Rollins vs. Leprechaun (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 16 Mar 2022)
• Elizabeth Holmes Dancing to Lil Wayne (The Dropout, S01E05)

Stray Observations

• Jerry West sex scene (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "You ever had a blow job with champagne in her mouth? You're going to love it." (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "Hey, why don't y'all hit me with a business plan? Then, we can see what's what."
  "We-we just told you the business plan. People's gonna eat ice and give us money." (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "What you readin'? Good book?"
  [Nigger: An Autobiography by Dick Gregory] (Winning Time, S01E02)
• [car sex]
  "Hoo… Come on. Church about to let out." (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "I'm not with her for her body! That's the difference between you and me."
  "Oh yeah, that's right. You think about her soul! Well, quiet as it's kept…I fucked that, too." (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "Damn! You look like our girl down there!" (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "I thought I could waltz in here and spend my way to victory, have a grand old time along the way. But you got me thinkin' about what I really needed. I need to cut your heart out." (Winning Time, S01E02)
• "Please come in here with me."
  "I can't. I can't fuck with antique malls and all those energies in there. It's dangerous for somebody like me."
  "Okay, Theresa Caputo." (Better Things, S05E04)
• "I hope you all enjoyed hang gliding over Los Angeles. Now did any of you notice Ellen DeGeneres smiling at the top of Runyon? That was added digitally. The smile, I mean." (Mr. Mayor, S02E01)
• "Fine, you can keep Jayden, but are you also gonna fight me on the dude with a sugar glider in his desk?"
  "If you mean Leslie and Deputy Zoomer, it's a service sugar glider." (Mr. Mayor, S02E01)
• "Absolutely not. I already announced it to the L.A. press. Do you have any idea how savagely Americana at Brand Memes will come for me?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E01)
• "Hey, Jayden, you seen my daughter?"
  "Yes. She's beautiful, sir."
  "What?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E01)
• "Conciliatory egg?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E01)
• </South Park, S25>
• "Who is bleeding in my house?" (Snowfall, S05E05)
• "Can't be too careful around blood lately. A nurse at the hospital, she caught HIV from a patient. Can you imagine getting HIV without the fun?" (Snowfall, S05E05)
• "I used to have this fantasy as a girl. A guy goes down on me, after I've just knocked his teeth out. I always thought it was a bit weird, so I hid it. I never told anyone. But I don't hide anymore." (Snowfall, S05E05)
• "Oso, man. He gon…he gon' stuff you." (Snowfall, S05E05)
• "So, we're up in Lake Havasu, and we're shooting these two chicks for the cover of Asian Asses…" (Minx, S01E01)
• "There is an eye-opening section on vulvas, page 93." (Minx, S01E01)
• "Guys, am I draping my pen¡s over the fire pole or…?" (Minx, S01E01)
• "People like me, we don't discuss…vaginal lubricant."
  "Don't be such a snob. The world does not begin and end in Pasadena." (Minx, S01E02)
• "Yes, but our pen¡s is for political purposes, okay?" (Minx, S01E02)
• "Oh, my god. I could have done anything with my life. I did quite well on the GRE." (Minx, S01E02)
• "Clubs are a gas. JP Getty and I used to make love on the golf course at Maidstone."
  "Mm. And I love mingling with the colonizers." (Minx, S01E02)
• "Oh, my god. Your lives seem so fun. All I do with my mouth is yell." (Minx, S01E02)
• "A little bird has told us that you've got it in for Stede Bonnet. So do we."
  "He broke my nose jar, and one of his crew murdered my favorite husband."
  "I didn't follow any of that." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E07)
• </DMZ, S01>
• John Turturro and Christopher Walken (Severance, S01E06)
• "You never smile at me."
  "He's right, Mark. You are sparing with the facial encouragements." (Severance, S01E06)
• ♫: Central Cee – "Loading" (Top Boy, S04E05)
• </Top Boy, S04>

11. Bishop BJ Burger (Bust Down, S01E03)

Stray Observations

• Dick Enberg's son playing Dick Enberg (Winning Time, S01E01)
• ZAZ (Winning Time, S01E01)
• "You want one, Jack?"
  "No, I'm enjoying my sand dab." (Winning Time, S01E01)
• "I used to drink a lot of bourbon. I switched to vodka. You can smell it less." (Winning Time, S01E01)
• "Have some champagne before the coke. It's much better that way." (Winning Time, S01E01)

(Winning Time, S01E01)

• "Damn, you're right. Her dad's gonna see me thrust." (Grand Crew, S01E10)
• "So what you thinking about for these photographs? I already got some poses. You want the honey, the bunches, or the oats?" (Grand Crew, S01E10)
• Freaking to Michelle Branch's "All You Wanted" (Grand Crew, S01E10)
• "I'm sorry I put you and your buttocks through that for nothing." (Grand Crew, S01E10)
• </Grand Crew, S01>

(Pam and Tommy, S01E08)

• "All right, so what's going on with the Bond spoof?" (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• "They bumped us off the broadcast for fuck¡ng Beck." (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• "Who the fuck is Elizabeth Hurley?"
  "That's what I said."
  "Fuck Mike Myers." (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• ♫: Dial-up noise score (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• "Oh man, I feel terrible for women. They got to deal with us."
  "Yeah. You are not the greatest gender." (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• "It's my dick on that tape too, just the same as her pussy." (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• "Do not compliment me on my d¡ck, you fuck!" (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• ♫: Dolly Parton – "I Will Always Love You" (Pam and Tommy, S01E08)
• </Pam and Tommy>
• "I-I just wanted to shoot my friends, dad." (South Park, S25E05)
• "Seems pretty dangerous. What if the police thought that gun was real?"
  "No, it's safe. See? As long as your gun has a red tip and you're white, police won't shoot you." (South Park, S25E05)
• "What you do to Jergens lotion isn't right." (South Park, S25E05)
• Benjamin Earl Turner (Snowfall, S05E04)
• "No, you just got to open the panels up. Stuff these mοtherfuckers in there like I stuffed my dick in your mama's pussy last night."
  "My mama don't even like niggas…" (Snowfall, S05E04)
• "Don't debase yourself for a man who hasn't a single tureen on board." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E05)
• "Plus, I only know shanties, which are probably a little beneath the fancy britches crowd like you."
  "Oh, no! We love a good shanty." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E05)
• "Mark, would you help me hang the kelp?"
  "Hang the kelp? Why?"
  "Do you really want me to explain it?" (Severance, S01E05)
• "I'm here to observe Helly R. I am to watch her for signs of sadness, and verbally encourage her to forgo further suicide attempts. Upon request, I can also perform a hug." (Severance, S01E05)
• "But what happens when those parents discover their kids didn't get the big-ticket powers, like flight or laser eyes? They dump 'em here, a shit home for kids with shit powers. There's Boombox. He's got a speaker for a face, but all he can play is 'Only Wanna Be with You' by Hootie and the Blowfish. Picante Balls. He can melt anything with his testicles. Ranch Dressing Cum Squirter. That one's self-explanatory. Boobie Face." (The Boys: Diabolical, S01E02)

(The Boys: Diabolical, S01E02)

• "Shrimp girls, wait! Help me!" (The Boys: Diabolical, S01E02)

(The Boys: Diabolical, S01E02)

(The Boys: Diabolical, S01E02)

(The Boys: Diabolical, S01E08)

• "Okay, I've explained this to you all many times. I am not a custodian. I'm the head of Custodial Operations and Services."
  "Okay, so you head doo-doo man. That's still a custodian, dog. Even after Mario eats the star, that nigga's still a plumber." (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "But can they make the shrimp Impossible?" (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "And, as the functionary leader of this group…"
  "Function this dick."
  "Ha ha. Oh, damn, that was a good one." (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "And just as soon as that gorilla dunked from the free-throw line…" (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "Cuba Gooding Jr. spent years getting called 'white-washed,' and now he yells at white women with a chicken bucket on his head." (Bust Down, S01E01)
• Freddie Gibbs (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "Brandon T. Jackson. Who the fuck is Brandon T—"
  "You know Brandon T. Jackson! Don't you dare pretend not to know his work!" (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "Oh, my God, for the last time Nina, I didn't pee in the bed that night. I was out in the streets and peed on myself, then went to bed. Just 'cause you weren't around for the conception of the pee pee doesn't mean you can judge."
  "No, okay, I'm not debating pee pee." (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "The biggest problem with the phrase 'sexual assault' is it makes you feel all yucky, like when you found out why Martin ended." (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "Enough of that shit. No one cares you're 53 with ferrets. I have something un-ferret-related to say. Male molestation. What is it?" (Bust Down, S01E01)
• "Asian people are saying the N word now? Oh, we gotta remaster all the Rush Hours. Jackie, gun. 'Can't you see I'm hanging off a chandelier doing kung fu, nigga?'" (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "But why cheat? Right? Were you, were you unhappy? Was Nina making you lift stuff?" (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "I can feel her walls closing in on me."
  "And not her pussy walls?"
  "No, Chris, not her pussy walls." (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "Chris."
  "What?"
  "This isn't a real bank. That's why you see all these pictures of urethras on the walls." (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "And besides, you don't think I could provide for my kid? I'm not some down and out single mom. I got a good job, I only eat hot dogs by choice, and I mind my damn business. Unlike you. Me and my baby good over here."
  "But your baby is eating steak in the sun." (Bust Down, S01E02)
• Watchmen (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "Psst, I got this cum."
  "Sorry, I don't have any cash."
  "Come on, y'all. Step right up. Get the seed from a man who can bench 140. Easy. Three AP Psych credits. Bald by choice. Come on, y'all. No over-jack fees, huh? No over-jack. First taste is free. Hey, you want that Chris P. cream, baby? Chris P. cream. Not the donut, but my nut." (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "It's almost as if me and that baby are meant to be together. Like crackheads and shopping carts, or The-Dream and sunglasses." (Bust Down, S01E02)
• "Chris! Go back out, and come back in better."
  "Oh, was that no bueno? 'Cause I was gonna wear all white, you know what I mean, stand on your roof like a Boyz II Men member or Shawn Michaels at the WrestleMania, you know what I mean, but I don't wear white after my birthday because of all the loose period sex I had. I ruined all the mattresses."
  "No. No, no, no." (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "Okay, negro illiteracy is funny to you now? Fantasia would roll over in her grave." (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "These are the shoes that Jesus wore when he gave everybody tilapia." (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "I'll 9/11 your face!" (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "I'm a Maybach – Black on the outside, but you best believe that interior is butterscotch." (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "Ayesha Curry!" (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "We don't pick on you 'cause you're light-skinned. We pick on you because you're Langston."
  "Yeah. Like, like, if Slim Thug came in right now and said, 'I need some honey mustard,' we'd just give him the honey mustard."
  "Exactly. But if I ask for it, you go, 'Oh, her highness wants some mustard with her honey.' That's crazy."
  "Yeah, but that's because Slim Thug is 6'6" and you wear Toms, bro." (Bust Down, S01E03)
• "I am a connoisseur of bitches. A sommelier of snatch, if you will. I've been fucking bitches a long time, all kind of bitches. Goth bitches, equestrian hoes, administrative shorties that pretend to know Excel, but they do not." (Bust Down, S01E04)
• "Anyways, men fuck broke bitches all the time. How is what Chris doing any different?"
  "That's exactly right, Dr. Sam. How is that any different, huh? I was broke. I was throwing dick in exchange for asylum. Now, why can't these ladies suck on me for survival, nigga?"
  "Because they need money and food for survival, not a nigga who stands on his tippy-toes in his pictures."
  "If a bitch tall, what you gonna do?"
  "Mm, well, people want what they want, dude. Like, do you think Toni Braxton knew she was gonna end up with Birdman when she sang 'Unbreak My Heart'?" (Bust Down, S01E04)
• "I watch all his IG Lives and his videos at the gas pump." (Bust Down, S01E04)
• "Why don't you just give everybody their money back, so they can spend it on something better, like honey buns or playing kickball, instead of making us look at this…I don't know, fucking Pac-Man."
  "Nigga, that's a pie chart."
  "It ain't better than honey buns! Who want to play kickball? Hat. Hat. Little Mr. T. hair. Come on. Old man that's all in brown." (Bust Down, S01E04)
• "Oh, okay, so just because I'm homeless, I can't have an aesthetic? You are very pretentious, Hermit Miller."
  "[laughter] She called you a crab with a last name." (Bust Down, S01E04)
• "Me and my mom are cool, bro. We like Young Thug and Gunna. Like, she birthed me, but we be fucking the same hoes." (Bust Down, S01E05)
• "Everybody knows only two places Black people get on. It's the church and the strip club, and since I'm banned from Smokey's on the east side, church gonna have to do."
  "Ah, you got banned again, huh?"
  "Man, they was tripping, okay? Remember when Nelly slid that credit card down a girl booty for that video?"
  "Uh, yeah."
  "I did the same thing. I used the chip, though, 'cause I'm in the future."
  "So…so Chip Drill?"
  "Mm-hmm."
  "Yeah, Chip Drill will get you banned."
  "And make your credit card all dirty. Smelled like different stuff for a loooong time." (Bust Down, S01E05)
• "My BMI is perfect, bitch." (Bust Down, S01E05)
• "He buttery as hell." (Bust Down, S01E05)
• Naruto run (Bust Down, S01E05)
• "Come on. We're Seinfeld. You're the lady, and we're all Kramer yelling 'nigga.'" (Bust Down, S01E06)
• "Mirror Klay Thompson?" (Bust Down, S01E06)
• "And that means you've won a free trip to the mall with Indiana back-up guard Justin Holiday."
  "Jrue Holiday's brother? Damn, that's dope."
  "That's right, Mr. Locker Room himself. You've seen him almost play." (Bust Down, S01E06)
• "Yo, Sam, what you think of these? 'Injustice.' 'Reparations.' 'Oppression.' You know, "FernGully.' 'Voter Suppression.'" (Bust Down, S01E06)
• </Bust Down, S01>