Adam Riff™

10. No Cap (Wheel of Fortune, 01 Mar 2022)

Stray Observations

• "Wait, are you on Instagram or Twitter?"
  "Hell no." (Euphoria, S02E08)
• "Get the fuck off of the horse." (Euphoria, S02E08)
• "I have a lot of 'I'm sorry's' to do, but not a lot of 'I forgive you's.'" (Euphoria, S02E08)
• ♫: Dominic Fike and Zendaya – "Elliot's Song" (Euphoria, S02E08)
• "Jules was my first love. I'd like to remember it that way. I don't know if that's actually true, though. I think I was high for too much of it." (Euphoria, S02E08)
• ♫: Labrinth and Zendaya – "I'm Tired" (Euphoria, S02E08)
• </Euphoria, S02>
• "So why don't you be a good boy and fuck off out of my Airbnb?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "We still want to be parents and child with you." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• John Amos (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "Lissons Kiddo Ranch" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "Look at Joe Jonas! He likes it!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "Let's touch tips." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "I had baby Lionel, but he fell in the toilet." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)

• "No, you're fuck¡ng privileged!"
  "Hell I am! You're privileged!"
  "You're privileged the most." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "I'm so sorry I told everybody that you have a tiny pecker and that you don't provide for me and the girls, 'cause you do provide. You're a real good daddy."
  "I am? And I got a big pecker? Bigger than Waylon's?"
  "You provide for the girls." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "Remember, Aunt Tiffy, what I told you about when you bathe."
  "ABC."
  "That's right. Angles, butthole, coochie." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)
• "BJ, if we ever had a baby, do you promise you'd still want to fuck me even if my sh¡t got played out by the kid?"
  "Judy, I'd love nothing more than to bang your played-out mother pussy for the rest of my days." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E09)

• </The Righteous Gemstones, S02>
• "Gay sleepover." (Better Things, S05E01)
• ♫: Bloodhound Gang – "Fire Water Burn" (Better Things, S05E01)
• Marty Krofft (Better Things, S05E02)
• "Welcome to Van Nuys." (Better Things, S05E02)
• "That was not… You-you're too young to know it."
  "I'm 54." (Better Things, S05E02)
• ♫: Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats – "S.O.B." (Better Things, S05E02)
• "♪ Young dick, get out of my life / My love for you is way out of line / You better run, dick / You're much too young, dick ♪"(Better Things, S05E02)
• "We in a screensaver, y'all. The simulation is real."
  "Mamma mia, I feel like I'm in the hillsides of Italy."
  "Ray Liotta." (Grand Crew, S01E09)
• "So this one is our 2015 estate Syrah, one of our trademark wines from one of our best vintages."
  "Oh, okay. See, this, this one is, um…free." (Grand Crew, S01E09)
• "Now, I'm not a rom-com guy like you, but shouldn't you be meeting her halfway with this running stuff?"
  "Oh, snap, you're right, but she's so close, it's too late." (Grand Crew, S01E09)
• ♫: Tkay Maidza – "Where Is My Mind?" (Grand Crew, S01E09)
• "You are to cause no drama, no conflict, do nothing that complicates things for me, screws things up for me, such as beating up Jay Leno." (Pam and Tommy, S01E07)
• </jeen-yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy>

(The Goldbergs, S09E15)

(South Park, S25E04)

• "Mr. Mackey, we were just here to try and give that pony diarrhea by feeding it Erewhon." (South Park, S25E04)
• </Next Level Chef, S01>
• "How much you hear?"
  "Sounded like Old Testament this time."
  "Fuck." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Get your ass up and get that blood off my floor." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "And make sure he don't bleed all over my baby's balloons." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "I'm sorry for…shooting you and all. I'm glad you didn't not make it." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Uh-uh, nigga." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Jerome Saint, how's it going?"
  "It's your world, nigga." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "2PCE187" license plate (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "What if she know?"
  "What if who knows what?"
  "She's supposed to be psychic, right?" (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Rest your spirit." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Look, take as much time as you need. But not too much time. Bitches is broke." (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "What would you like, Queen Louie?" (Snowfall, S05E03)
• "Talk like a wooden boy."
  "Do the wooden boy voice."
  "Do the wooden boy voice!" (Our Flag Means Death, S01E01)
• "I'm forming a small search party to retrieve the hostages from their pee." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E02)
• "No, look, I'm incredible at keeping secrets. My mom thought I liked girls for years." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E02)
• "All right, it's a bit gentrified, but it's still the Republic of Pirates." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E03)
• "Man for sale! Healthy, sturdy, obedient man for sale!"
  "Listen, I think you might wanna adjust the pitch because it's quite unclear what you're selling." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E03)
• "Uh, please bring us a round of your finest wine."
  "We're out of wine."
  "Well, then what's this all over my boy?"
  "That's blood. I mean, we serve that. Do you want blood?"
  "I think we'll go for something stronger." (Our Flag Means Death, S01E03)
• "My noses!" (Our Flag Means Death, S01E03)
• "What are you doing?"
  "His ego's pissed 'cause Helly called him out for boot-licking." (Severance, S01E04)
• </The Afterparty, S01>

9. Dick, Dick…Boom! (Euphoria, S02E07)

Honourable Mention

• Waves (2022 NBA All-Star Game, 20 Feb 2022)

Stray Observations

• ♫: Alex North – "Spartacus – Love Theme" (Euphoria, S02E07)
• "Am I everything you wished for? I would love for you to fuck me whenever and however you want. You can control what I wear, what I eat, who I talk to. I want every guy you know to wanna fuck me, but they can't, because they know I'm yours. I belong to you, and I will never complain because I trust you know what's best."
  "Aren't you afraid people are gonna look down on you?"
  "At least I'm loved." (Euphoria, S02E07)
• ♫: Riz Ortolani – "Cannibal Holocaust [Main Theme]" (Euphoria, S02E07)
• "Kelvin, you and Queef have been such a help." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)
• "I know you may be a backwoods simpleton who scrubs her dresses on tree bark and stinks up the entire house with roadkill stew, but goddamn if I wouldn't miss the pitter-patter of your filthy-ass bare feet, or the way you chew shrimp tails with ice like an animal. You're family, and the thought of you running away on this bus right now is making my gooch pucker." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)
• "No one re-cages Keefe." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)
• Bearing a cross in leopard-print shoes (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)
• Macaulay Culkin (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)
• "Love you too, Jesse Smollett." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E08)

(Arthur, S25E04)

• "You can't just say 'oops' when you do something intentionally bad."
  "Tee-hee-hee?"
  "'Tee-hee-hee' is lateral." (Grand Crew, S01E08)
• "What do I even say as I rip up these offers in front of him?"
  "You'll find it in the moment."
  "Rip."
  "Wow, he went with 'rip.'" (Grand Crew, S01E08)
• "Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "Do you like pie?"
  "Fruit should not be hot." (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "Why don't you just leave me and my boiled chicken sandwich alone?!"
  "Oh, boiled?! That's the worst way to cook it, man!"
  "Oh, I'm sorry. I could salt it—you know what? I don't have to explain anything to y'all, okay? I'm a grown-ass man!" (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "You know, I applied to Morehouse." (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "What, are you waiting for an Uber Black to take you to an Uzi Vert concert?"
  "You know that man don't come out during the daytime." (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "And they say UPenn students can't step." (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "Great job."
  "Better than Morehouse." (Abbott Elementary, S01E09)
• "Dave Chappelle didn't want to be Jesus." (jeen-yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy, S01E02)
• Len Bias (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "Niggas that work the hardest always make the least." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• Jordan 1s (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "Ma'am, do me a favor and please shut the fuck up." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "The fuck you looking at, nigga?" (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "Tell mama what you want me to do with that big cock. You want me to…slap it? Uh, okay, baby. I'll slap the shit out of that dick." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "I tried to keep him on the line, but these niggas come on ready to blow."
  "Course they do. That's why they're calling. It's your job to tease them out, keep them on the line. You know, you got to hold the cream to make the green." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "You used to be that fool." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "For real, it's the shape of Marie Antoinette's titty." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "It's your world, man. I just sell dope in it." (Snowfall, S05E01)
• "They update the mouth wall? Damn, they took down the chick I like." (Severance, S01E03)

8. No-Selling (jeen-yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Stand By Me (Euphoria, S02E06)
• Vomiting (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)

Stray Observations

• "You know what I like about hospitals? They don't need to know how good of a person you are in order to take care of you. They don't need to know what's going on in your head before they wrap a bandage around your arm. People like that are rare." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Say what you want about Christians. At least they believe in forgiveness." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I'm sure most people would say the world would be a better place without me. I don't disagree. In fact, I've been trying to leave it for as long as I can remember." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I know you probably been washin' that ass." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Reducing someone's life to a moment, an ugly moment, and punishing them for it. That's what cops do. It's actually what everyone does. It's what you would do to me if you didn't know me." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Some people…some people need to get their feelings hurt sometimes." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I don't care! I just wanna watch my Millionaire Matchmaker in peace for one hour, one goddamn hour!" (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Meanwhile, Jules was at home, and she hadn't talked to Elliot since… You know what? Actually, I don't want to talk about Jules and Elliot. Fuck them. Let's go back to Maddy." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "See, I'm not a mess, but I do love a fight." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• ♫: Method Man – "I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need To Get By [feat. Mary J. Blige] [Puff Daddy Mix]" (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "I ruined my entire life for you." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "She is going to kill herself. My daughter's gonna kill herself." (Euphoria, S02E06)
• "Do not mock my thumbs…" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "I'm gonna flick this fucking creamed corn on your fucking face." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "You stay strong, bitch." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Let's lie to the church like a fucking family." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "And take this seat buzzer coaster thing I stole from Chili's. I modified it. When you see the Cycle Ninjas, use it to buzz my coaster." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Enjoy your 'za." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Can I have a minute with Daddy?"
  "Why, Kelvin? You trying to suffocate him with his MyPillow?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E07)
• "Is Zach spelled with a 'ck' or a 'ch' or, what I find to be the most exotic spelling, just a 'c'?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "'We're family.' Enough with that Dominic Toretto rhetoric."
  "Th-there's a reason that there are nine of those movies." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "This text said that you had Danny Wok. That's the only reason I'm here, DorkDash." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "What can I say? The rumors about the Olympic Village are true." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "'I once impersonated Jill Scott to get free bottle service at Xfinity Live!' You don't even look like Jill Scott."
  "To white people in South Philly I do." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• Orlando Jones as Tyler James Williams' father (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Look, this is the man I'm going to marry."
  "Janine, when people get married, they try a lot of cakes."
  "Have you had two slices of cake at one time? I can tell you, when I was at the Olympic Village…" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "It's raining harder than an Usher video!" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)

(Abbott Elementary, S01E08)

• "Don't nobody rap about stuff that's good for you. You never heard a song called, like…'Broccoli.' Except that one song called 'Broccoli,' but that's still about drugs, so…" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Hey, you got them Tastykakes, my man?"
  "I'm a girl!"
  "Uh, okay, shawty, where is my dessert?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Last Man Standing is basically your Green Book." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend this whole time?"
  "I don't know. I…I think I thought if I kept you out of my relationship business, I wouldn't have to weigh in on yours." (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• ♪ "If somebody try to give you drugs, punch 'em in the face." ♪ (Abbott Elementary, S01E08)
• "Jay loves dick jokes." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "The fuck is this shit?"
  "It's Sleater-Kinney. So fucking good." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• AltaVista (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "Well, I got bad news for you, Third Eye Blind." (Pam and Tommy, S01E05)
• "I didn't have anything to eat except Nutella." (South Park, S25E03)
• Justice League (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• "Fuck you, Barry." (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• ♫: The Last Vegas – "Apologize" (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• ♫: Hardcore Superstar – "You Can't Kill My Rock 'n Roll" (Peacemaker, S01E08)
• </Peacemaker, S01>
• "'Number seven. Make out with someone with whom you otherwise would not out make.' Gross! 'With whom'? No." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "What's going on?"
  "Yasper's phone is about to die."
  "Bummer. Here's the thing. As you can see, mine is less than 30%, and that's kind of the universal standard." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You know, the thing I like about escape rooms on, like, a deeper level is that they make you feel stuck, even hopeless. But eventually, everyone finds their way through. Except for some members of the Minnesota Vikings one time." (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You broke my branded shrimp tower?" (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "We were looking for a charger."
  "That's crazy. I have a charger on me. Why didn't you guys just ask?"
  "Why wouldn't we ask a police officer for help in a stressful situation? I don't know. Maybe all of human history?" (The Afterparty, S01E06)
• "You know, my mother was an atheist. She used to say that there was good news and bad news about hell. The good news is, hell is just the product of a morbid human imagination. The bad news is, whatever humans can imagine, they can usually create." (Severance, S01E01)
• "So, we're friends?"
  "I'm your best friend. You're my very good friend." (Severance, S01E01)
• "Sweet. Melon bar." (Severance, S01E02)
• "Guys, this is Helly. She's 30 years old, she's allergic to almonds and has weak enamel." (Severance, S01E02)
• "Your outie is a friend to children and to the elderly and the insane. Your outie is strong and helped someone lift a heavy object. Your outie values water. Your outie has no fear of muggers or knaves. Your outie likes the sound of radar." (Severance, S01E02)
• ♫: I Monster – "Daydream in Blue" (Severance, S01E02)