Adam Riff™

24. Jaleel White (The Eric Andre Show, S06E02)

Stray Observations

• "Who hasn't? Who among us has not had cսm on their face? I, I think it used to be fun. Didn't it used to be f– Wasn't that a hot date years ago?" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Twitter is calling her the human cum sock!" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Okay, the thought of you younger is terrifying to me."
  "I was having fun. I was getting fucked in the ass of the Capitol Records building stairwell and then walking straight into meetings." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "I've never fucked anyone with a rat-tail before." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Pop music is like the ultimate Trojan Horse. Ya get people to dance, ya get people to sing along. Could say whatever you want. Shit's powerful." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Do you ever listen to Donna Summer? 'Love to Love You Baby'? When she sings, there's no doubt that she knows how to fuck. You could hear it in her voice. You can feel it." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Dude, I totally know you. We were at the Quibi funeral." (The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

• Yeastie Boys (Platonic, S01E05)
• "Oh, my God. Is that Machine Gun Kelly?"
  "He looks like something from, uh, the Simon Wiesenthal Center." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "I'm worried you're having one of those brain glitches where you get obsessed with something like a Roomba stuck in a corner." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "When I meet a boring person, I like to ask them questions. Like, 'What's the first exhibit you go to at the zoo?'"
  "Which one do you go to first?"
  "The shrimps."
  "What?" (Platonic, S01E05)
• "How much money are you spending on these Dwayne Johnson energy drinks?"
  "Quite a bit. I basically live on them now."
  "Maybe you could cut back a little bit. I mean, you don't have to buy everything The Rock tries to sell you, you know." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, listen, I don't really have any interest in your, uh, bulk tin of low-end economy nuts." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Now, Frank, would you like to start this meeting off with a fancy nut?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "So, look, guys, let's pool all of our remaining nut together and turn it into a big pile of green, and then everybody gets a taste."
  "Okay, I didn't love the sound of that, but, uh…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, this is great. This is just great. You know, like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E02)
• "Simu Liu re-created an entire Applebee's for her?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "And remember, you're at dinner, so have fun, uh, but also, it's Applebee's, so there should be some deadness behind the eyes, kinda like, uh, 'We could've eaten anywhere. Why'd we choose here?' sort of thing." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "Yeah, Simu Liu is such a good daddy." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I worked very hard to find the extra right bad ones. My fave is probably this one right here that simply says 'piss.'"
  "Yes, I can see that it does say 'piss' on my son's chest."
  "And this one here is Piglet, but with tits. And then under his arm is Eeyore, but with tits. And on his back is the day his dad died."
  "I'm sorry, how is that one bad?"
  "I mean, you didn't let me finish. With tits. Bing-bong." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I don't see it on the menu, but I'm gonna have the peas and carrots that everyone's talking about, sometimes at the same time on top of each other?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I'm absolutely not doing that, Simu Liu." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "You came up with the most bad man there is: A good man." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I helped you get Gay Minute and Age Net Worth Feet! All I do is support you!" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I mean, for the last month, all I've been able to do 'for my safety' is sit on a private jet and get eaten out non-stop by Marvel's Simu Liu. Like, that's my whole life." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• </Top Chef, S20>

23. Wedding Photo (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

• Lil Dicky and Brad Pitt communicating silently (Dave, S03E10)
• Eggman Game (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E02)

Stray Observations

• "And we should…we should, uh, Czechoslovakia it. You know? We should make it all lovely velvet, parting of the ways." (Succession, S04E10)
• "New Jess, New Jess." (Succession, S04E10)
• "More fucking hanging than a dictator's birthday." (Succession, S04E10)
• "You grabbed the crown and pushed me out, so I don't know why I'm the cunt here."
  "Cunt is as cunt does."
  "Oh, amazing. Wow, Cicero on the, on the wheels of steel." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Sometimes, I feel like every fish in the city is the same piece of Xeroxed branzino." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Because, frankly, the margins on this thing are just so creamy that I, I honestly would feel like a terrible shit…"
  "Are you hearing this?"
  "Creamy margins." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Pics or it didn't happen." (Succession, S04E10)
• "There's no bad sharks in Bim, baby. They're North Atlantic."
  "Well, they can commute. All the seas, in case you didn't know this, are connected." (Succession, S04E10)
• "Did he…?"
  "Yeah." (Succession, S04E10)
• "After which all unstickered items will be pooled and distributed in reverse alphabetical order, other than those stickered by the, uh, second tier, excuse me, uh, bereaved." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I have some pretty cool stuff coming in, like a cow print couch." (Succession, S04E10)
• "We're, uh, really excited how this long distance thing can, uh, add another dimension, you know, to…"
  "Yeah, add a little spice, you know?"
  "Yeah."
  "That's hot."
  "As we, you know, get deeper into the marriage."
  "Yeah, that's sexy. They call it the second-week itch, I believe." (Succession, S04E10)
• "You like pancakes and waffles and you kiss guys on Molly. You're not the…heart of darkness. You're…you're a grilled cheese with a sucked dick." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I love you. I… Really, I love you, but I cannot fucking stomach you." (Succession, S04E10)
• "I'm the eldest boy!" (Succession, S04E10)
• "I'm just saying what Dad said."
  "Well, don't say it, you fucking cuck."
  "They are a pair of randos. One is a buy-in. The other is half Rava, half some filing-cabinet guy, right?" (Succession, S04E10)
• </Succession, S04>
• Nat? (Yellowjackets, S02E09)
• </Yellowjackets, S02>
• "Oh, wow." (Barry, S04E08)
• </Barry, S04>
• "Oh, shut up, Thierry Henry." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "It don't make sense! Two years ago, we played so bad, we had to drop down from the Premier League to a lower league that was called…"
  "The Championship."
  "See, that don't make sense. Now, this year, we played so well, we qualified to get into another league, and that one's called…"
  "The Champions League."
  "Entirely different league, pretty much the same name, though. That don't make sense. And now y'all are tellin' me that to get into the 'Champions League,' you can finish as low as…"
  "Fourth place. That don't make no sense! Why?"
  "Money." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "I never know how to react when a white guy does the running man in front of everyone." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)
• "Wicked."
  "Kinky boots." (Ted Lasso, S03E12)

RT: this is maybe the ugliest shot i've ever seen on any tv show (Ted Lasso, S03E12)

• </Ted Lasso, S03>
• Watching the Succession finale (Platonic, S01E04)
• Brad Pitt (Dave, S03E10)
• "He's a white Chinese." (Dave, S03E10)
• Brad Pitt's Chinese accent (Dave, S03E10)
• "What's up, brother? I-I call everyone 'brother.'" (Dave, S03E10)
• "And I said, like, don't change the diaper in front of us, 'cause I hate seeing the baby vagina. 'Cause, like, I don't want to look at it and think, like, do I have attraction or not?" (Dave, S03E10)
• Dave's reaction when GaTa gets the gun (Dave, S03E10)
• Drake (Dave, S03E10)
• ♫: Lil Dicky – "Song with Drake" (Dave, S03E10)
• </Dave, S03>
• "Help! My nachos!" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Sorry, so this, this goo is homosexual?"
  "The goo is homosexual." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I'm so sorry. She's just having a really hard time. But I promise, if you'd met her 30, 31 years ago, you'd have really loved her." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I wish my dad were alive to see Globby." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "I'm basically just traveling the world with Simu Liu." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Okay, okay. Uh, this person is gay."
  "Ellen! Uh, NPH! Uh, Ben Platt!" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Uh, this queen is full star."
  "Ben Platt! NPH! Uh, Ellen." (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "God Hates Globs"
  "Snot Is Straight" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Disney does suck. What was cut?"
  "Uh… My glob, um…sucked the other glob's dick?" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• ♫: The MIDI Mafia – "I Hope Your Hear Me" (The Other Two, S03E06)
• "Inheritances are tragedies. They always end badly." (Drops of God, S01E08)
• </Drops of God, S01>
• "Before you make your decision, I just want you to know, I believe Carlos is a ho." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E01)
• "I'm gonna fucking kill you, Driving Crooner!" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E01)
• "Now I got a car stuck in my ponytail and I'm fucked!" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E02)
• "Did anyone get hurt?"
  "[sigh] Kim Kardashian's head fell off." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E03)
• "Hey! What the hell's going on?"
  "This guy's trying to start a pay-it-forward chain."
  [tires squealing]
  "55 burgers, 55 fries…" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E03)
• "You talking shit about me?"
  "What? No."
  "What were you talking about? Were you really talking about sex?"
  "Yeah, fingering." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E04)
• "I'm sorry, guys. I can't remember the words. I know it's something about his cock goes in the dog, he fucks the dog, and then the dog's dinner is his cum." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• "Now comes the time of the night when I face the wall and give you guys a chance to jack off." (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• ♫: Edouard Antoine Robert Algayon, Leyla Bouria, and Virginie Peraldi – "I'll Be Waiting for Your Love" (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03E06)
• </I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, S03>

22. Song for Rachel McAdams (Dave, S03E09)

Stray Observations

• "He was mean, and he made but a mean estimation of the world. And he fed a certain kind of meagerness in men." (Succession, S04E09)
• "Wow. Cat food Ozymandias." (Succession, S04E09)
• "How bad was dad?"
  "He was a salty dog. He was. But he was a good egg." (Succession, S04E09)
• "You know, Hugo, life isn't nice. It's contingent. People who say they love you also fuck you." (Succession, S04E09)
• "What, what, what's your philosophy, exactly?"
  "Privacy, pussy, pasta."
  "Anarcho-capitalist parmigiana." (Succession, S04E09)
• "Oh, what? Kinder Küche Kirche over here?" (Succession, S04E09)
• Pregnant Shiv drinking champagne in front of Tom (Succession, S04E09)
• "Just relax, or you'll end up like Adam did, buried in the park, no head, no feet, no hands, skin grated off like a rind of pecorino." (Yellowjackets, S02E08)
• "This is not Tony Danza trying to fuck with me, is it?"
  "I am not Tony Danza." (Barry, S04E07)
• "Look at Ken. Boy, he cleans up nice, don't he?"
  "You should see him in drag." (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• "Well, I do believe in second chances, Ted. That's why I'm still married, and all my sons are alive." (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• "My father went to art school with Freddie Mercury."
  "What?"
  "I mean, everyone always talk about his amazing four-octave vocal range. But my father always insisted that if you actually asked Freddie what his greatest talent was, he would've said flipping straights." (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• Pep Guardiola (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• "That is the thing about being a parent. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win, but most of the time you just tie. All we can do is keep playing." (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• "Do you know what time it is?"
  "9:30. Or 'half nine' as you folks say over here for some goofy-ass reason."
  "That's just to annoy Americans." (Ted Lasso, S03E11)
• The Raid (Platonic, S01E02)
• "There's more television shows about serial killers than there's actually serial killers." (Platonic, S01E03)
• "I love your hair."
  "Oh, they make me do this." (Platonic, S01E03)
• "Back up, Alexandria Cortazio-Cortez."
  "Not even almost her name. I don't think you got— I think you got one out of three right." (Platonic, S01E03)
• "You'd like the cider. Ladies love cider."
  "Dude, Will."
  "I do like cider." (Platonic, S01E03)
• "I'm not upset that you don't love me, okay? I'm just sad, because I'm pretty sure you do, but you won't commit until you are 100% certain that I am the absolute best that you can do." (Dave, S03E09)
• "Hmm, there is one movie about porn stars in the '70s. It's Adam McKay, so still prestige." (The Other Two, S03E05)
• "I don't care about Kiernan Shipka, okay?" (The Other Two, S03E05)
• "Your move, Gage." (The Other Two, S03E05)
• "Okay, I've been thinking, and how about this? She's a contest winner. Yeah, there was, like, a contest to come see a Broadway play through, like, Dannon yogurt or some shit and she won."
  "Yes. She's nothin' but a silly contest girl. A yogurt-eater." (The Other Two, S03E05)
• "The truth is…I'm having sex with Shuli. Yeah, it's a Holland Taylor/Sarah Paulson thing."
  "Am I Holland Taylor?" (The Other Two, S03E05)
• </Blindspotting, S02>
• "Some things just move quicker through social media than others. For example, Baby Yoda's still trending. As he should. But nobody's talking about Vin Diesel's dance song 'Feel Like I Do.'" (American Born Chinese, S01E02)
• "What the hell is he doing?"
  "Trying to be Vin Diesel's dance track." (American Born Chinese, S01E02)
• "Okay. I've eased the sufferings of millions, calmed oceans. I will not be defeated by Swedish furniture." (American Born Chinese, S01E03)
• Unrecognizable Jimmy O. Yang (American Born Chinese, S01E04)
• Ronny Chieng drunken boxing (American Born Chinese, S01E05)
• "Do you want me to throw away these old soy sauce packets?"
  "Are you crazy?" (American Born Chinese, S01E06)
• "I'm sorry, can you say that one more time slower? My Chinese isn't super good." (American Born Chinese, S01E08)
• </American Born Chinese, S01>
• "Have you ever served on a jury before?"
  "Uh, yes, ma'am."
  "Was that here in Los Angeles?"
  "No."
  "Where was it?"
  "Cannes." (Jury Duty, S01E01)

21. Eyes Spice (Succession, S04E08)

Honourable Mention

• Misty's fever dream (Yellowjackets, S02E07)

Stray Observations

• "Go on. You're lumber. Keep your snout out." (Succession, S04E08)
• "If we do this…people…people are gonna say shit."
  "Yeah. We'll be in the West Wing. Nothing matters, Ken. Nothing fucking matters. Dad's dead, and the country's just a big…pussy waiting to get fucked. Fucking…action, okay? We can pay for any damages. Let's just jam our fuckin' heads in the bosom of history and just…[gobbles]." (Succession, S04E08)
• ♫: Nirvana – "Something in the Way" (Yellowjackets, S02E07)
• "No, Ben. Stop. Look, if you kill yourself right now, we will eat you." (Yellowjackets, S02E07)
• ♫: Live – "Lightning Crashes" (Yellowjackets, S02E07)

(Barry, S04E06)

• Bill Burr (Barry, S04E06)
• "What do we think happened there?"
  "Well, boss, I'm like an incomplete list of Madeline Kahn's best films: I ain't got no clue." (Ted Lasso, S03E10)
• "Couldn't imagine being in a different country than my axes." (Ted Lasso, S03E10)
• "Your name's on the back there. Uh, I got 'em to change the E to a U." (Ted Lasso, S03E10)
• "Each game, an undry dream." (Ted Lasso, S03E10)
• "Why is it so granular?
  "Mmm."
  "Oh, my God."
  "Is this garlic hummus?"
  "I like it."
  "Should we, like, switch to tahini or…ketchup?"
  "I think we should, like, uh, abandon all condiment-based hand jobs. Just for a moment." (Dave, S03E08)
• "This is so much cooler than a hummus hand job." (Dave, S03E08)
• "MGK! MGK! You got to have a huge cock, right?"
  "Uh…okay." (Dave, S03E08)
• "Don! What's next for you?"
  "Uh, you know, some Marvel shit." (Dave, S03E08)
• Don Cheadle farting (Dave, S03E08)
• "So I'm saying it's like, it's like pickleball."
  "Yeah."
  "But it's better than pickleball."
  "Okay."
  "Because you can, you don't have to be dressed." (Dave, S03E08)
• "Yeah, uh…I don't think this guy was taking a shit."
  "Wow."
  "And I'm from Kentucky, so I know shit."
  "Mm-hmm."
  "That's facts."
  "Yeah."
  "Yeah, he does."
  "What? What the fuck does that even mean?" (Dave, S03E08)
• "All right, I'm gonna go hang out with some Black people." (Dave, S03E08)
• "Oh, hi, I'm here to speak to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez about a job."
  "Oh, well, she's in her office, going live for the next seven hours." (The Other Two, S03E04)
• "Uh, yeah, he talked to all of them, so the whole jury's gonna have join SAG." (The Other Two, S03E04)
• "Buffalo Wild Wings?"
  "Buffalo Wild Wings."
  "Are you fucking kidding me?"
  "The company passed. Said my code was too ambitious for their needs, which I knew. But I was young, and I thought, you know, why not shoehorn philanthropy into this app for chicken wings? Everybody loves chicken wings. I'll just Trojan horse that shit right in between the 26 sauces and seasonings. And I thought maybe somebody might use it for good. So I stripped all mention of Buffalo Wild Wings, took my name off of it, and uploaded it to Open Source from Nana's kitchen table, right downstairs."
  "So the Wings were literal? And the Expiration Dates, is that coupons? And why the hell did It send me to find this?"
  "Oh. The fuck is that?"
  "The Holy fucking Grail! So maybe explain to me why a beta version for a Buffalo Wild Wings app sent me on a quest to find it?"
  "Anyone who pitched to them had to embed their employee manual into our code. Page one, golden rule: '100% customer satisfaction is our Holy Grail.'" (Mrs. Davis, S01E08)
• "Before I leave, may I ask one thing?"
  "Please do."
  "On a scale of one to five stars, how would you rate your experience with me?" (Mrs. Davis, S01E08)
• </Mrs. Davis, S01>
• </Shark Tank, S14>
• "All right, keep it simple. Does he go to Blondie's or Fat Slice for pizza? And don't think. Just answer."
  "I think Fat Slice."
  "He's Black."
  "No, he's just not Blondie's white."
  "And Asians go to Blondie's. Don't be grouping us with white people. Yellow Peril supports Black Power."
  "Well, bring the Asians to Fat Slice."
  "No, go to Graffiti Pizza. A Black woman owns that."
  "Don't be grouping all us Asians together. I'm Taiwanese." (Blindspotting, S02E07)
• "And let's face it, she is a lot, like Kirstie Alley on Twitter." (Blindspotting, S02E07)
• "I didn't know what to do with my dog because he gets separation anxiety."
  "[all] Hmm."
  "But you would love him. Chauncey is the world's sweetest pit."
  [crowd mumbling]
  "Luckily, my cousin Meredith, she came over to sit with him. But then driving over here,
  I got pulled over."
  [all mumbling]
  "Thank goodness I knew the cop."
  [all muttering]
  "'Cause he pulled me over last week."
  "[crowd] Ah!"
  "So I pulled out my 'friends and family of a cop' badge again, and he let me go."
  [all chattering] (Blindspotting, S02E07)
• "You guys are messing with me. How bad could it be?"
  "How bad could it be? Have you seen the movie San Andreas? It's like that. But the earthquake is in your butt." (Primo, S01E02)
• "So you either help us or you eat your mom's food and waste away like a conquistador getting Montezuma's Revenge."
  "Have you seen The Exorcist? It's like that. But the devil is in your butt."
  "Primo, if we don't stop your mom from cooking, the entire San Antonio metro sewer system is doomed."
  "Have you seen the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan? It's like that. But your butt."
  "That's it."
  "That's it, right? I got it, right? That's pretty good." (Primo, S01E02)
• "I call it the Trojan horseradish."
  "I love that. Great name."
  "Right? Because it protects everything that goes inside, like a condom." (Primo, S01E02)
• "Um, I read your diary when we were kids. Do you still wanna marry Aladdin? You don't have to answer." (Primo, S01E02)
• "I stole your Skechers Shape-Ups because they make me look taller."
  "You wear the same shoe size as Drea?"
  "No, I ball my foot up like a little fist. That's not the point." (Primo, S01E02)
• "'Pesky by Leguizamo'?" (Primo, S01E03)

» "Check this out. It's Britney Spears for Petco. Technically, it's for holding tiny dogs, but it works well as an everyday purse." (Primo, S01E03)

• "There's no Bluetooth in here, is there?"
  "Only if you're talking about my dead molar." (Primo, S01E03)
• "Do you like Bad Bunny? He rode on top of a truck into WrestleMania." (Primo, S01E03)
• "Thanks to you, my only chance to impress the girl that I like somehow involves manual labor and bagging squirrel skeletons. And that's two of my worst things." (Primo, S01E03)
• "Hey, so then he like hopped on like a little scooter and he scooted off, so I never saw his full face, but I'm like 90% sure it was Morgan Freeman."
  "Morgan Freeman has never been on a scooter." (Primo, S01E03)
• "Well, actually, no, all is not well, because the universe has also given you Hepatitis B."
  "Hmm, that's the chill one. I'm fine."
  "You also have a virus that's only found in sharks and you have a shark tooth embedded in your thigh. So, I have to ask, have you been intimate with a shark?" (Primo, S01E03)
• "This deserves a place on the wall of accomplishments and praise. The wall of accomplishments and praise. The WAP."
  "Ma, please. You have to say the whole name now, remember?" (Primo, S01E04)
• "I feel like you do like to throw that term around."
  "Ugh. Not enough bubbles. Cancel culture. You're breaking up with me just because I took a platonic nap with your sister? That's cancel culture. Cell service canceled for non-payment? You know what this is?" (Primo, S01E04)
• "Okay, listen, it's my house. It's my WAP."
  "Oh, my god, ma, please." (Primo, S01E04)
• "Hey, remember that one time you had a stroke while you were having a heart attack?"
  "I mean, probably not, I guess, because it was a massive stroke that badly damaged your brain." (Primo, S01E04)
• "If you wanna join the financial sector, there are millions of options. You can open a checking account. You can open a savings account."
  "So two options?"
  "Yeah, those are the two." (Primo, S01E04)
• "I'm a vigilante for justice. That's why I have a tattoo of lady justice."
  "Is that Halle Berry?"
  "Yeah. Yeah, she used to be married to David Justice, so she was Lady Justice." (Primo, S01E05)
• "Rafa, the girl was excited about asparagus. Now, all you gotta do is be more interesting than a vegetable."
  "Yeah. I can do that. I think I can do that. I mean, asparagus is the most dynamic vegetable, though. Like it starts out one way, and then it gets complicated at the top in a way that you just don't see coming."
  "What's the second most dynamic vegetable?"
  "Tomatoes. You can put it in meats and salads."
  "Tomato is a fruit, though."
  "Yeah. Exactly. Another reason why it's one of the most dynamic. It's unstoppable. It goes: asparagus, tomato, cabbage." (Primo, S01E05)
• "It's just an old bookshelf. We'll get you a brand new one. I know a place that has great bookshelves. And meatballs."
  "Is it Ikea?"
  "It's Ikea." (Primo, S01E05)
• "Brown knight rises!"
  "That seems racist."
  "Harris is Filipino, it's close enough." (Primo, S01E05)
• "Harris, your mom wants you to break down the boxes in the back and then stock the cooler."
  "Ugh. When I inherit this place, I'm getting rid of the cooler. No more ice.
  Catch you guys later."
  "Abolish ice. Hmm. Get it?" (Primo, S01E06)
• "They heard the theatre kids got busted for butt-chugging."
  "Oh, bummer. Wait, what's butt-chugging?"
  "It's exactly what you think it is."
  "What happened to good old-fashioned heroin? You know?" (Primo, S01E07)
• "May I hang up, sir?"
  "Were you one of the butt-chuggers? Drink with your mouth, son." (Primo, S01E07)
• "You date for the job you want, not the job you have." (Primo, S01E07)
• "I, I'd be…I'd be so happy to give you some of my urine, sir. It would be an absolute honor and a privilege."
  "I don't want your urine, Rafael." (Primo, S01E07)
• "Why do you think I don't have a girlfriend? I mean, I got the prescription deodorant, so it's not that anymore." (Primo, S01E07)
• "This revenge had a lot more urine than I was anticipating."
  "How much is it usually?"
  "Zero." (Primo, S01E07)
• "Here's what you gotta do. You know how when the military, they're like, the first word and the last word out of your mouth needs to be 'sir'? Do it like that, but with 'girl.' Girl, you look so fine, girl. Like that."
  "Has it ever worked for you?"
  "Boy, no, it has not, boy."
  "Just get her a present like a vape pen or a waterbed. Then she'll know."
  "You want me to buy her a waterbed?"
  "Girl, I bought you a waterbed, girl."
  "See? That sounds dope." (Primo, S01E08)
• "There's only double-decker buses or burgers. How come?" (Primo, S01E08)
• "This is just Gloria's car, isn't it?"
  "Yeah."
  "Goddammit, Rollie."
  "I thought they were his keys. They were on the table next to his sunglasses."
  "The ones that say 'coffee slut' in rhinestones?" (Primo, S01E08)
• </Primo, S01>