Adam Riff™

17. Acting! (The First Lady, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Re-invest in your hood (Atlanta, S03E06)

Stray Observations

(Winning Time, S01E07)

• "You could've wore a disco ball, bitch." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "Lay off the fuckin' french fries."
  "I like french fries." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "Who watches basketball on Christmas?" (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "It's the dramatist in me." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "I heard you. Yeah. Work the tip."
  "Work the refs! Work the refs! I didn't say blow 'em!" (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "Dude don't say two words. Don't smile. Don't even try. And they love him anyway. Like I ain't even there."
  "The invisible man."
  "Just like the movie.
  "There's a book, too. Point remains." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "It's a vegetable. Like your coach." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "Repeat after me. Fuck Boston." (Winning Time, S01E07)
• "It's a music box. It's quite Jewish." (Better Things, S05E09)
• "Flat or sparkling?"
  "We like the free kind, the tap." (Better Things, S05E09)
• "Congratulations for liftoff of your throne. I got you psyllium husk for binding." (Better Things, S05E09)
• "I'm saving a little bit of her for myself." [to pee on in a portaloo] (Better Things, S05E09)
• "I would like to introduce the 2022 Mayor's Youth Leadership Program participants. And in the interest of inclusion, partici-skirts." (Mr. Mayor, S02E06)
• "Dead wives. Can't live with them. Obviously." (Mr. Mayor, S02E06)
• "Bad guys are cooler, right? Look at Gru." (Mr. Mayor, S02E06)
• "I appreciate your concern, mate. I really do. But we've got it from here."
  "I swear to you, Steven. I swear…"
  "If I need a recipe for a protein shake or something, I'll call you." (Moon Knight, S01E04)
• "Sorry, Mr. Great." (Moon Knight, S01E04)
• "I am keenly aware that my lungs are essentially two shriveled up Nick Caves." (Russian Doll, S02E01)
• "Okay, got 'em."
  "Okay. If by 'them' you mean my pussy lips in a twist, uh, mission accomplished." (Russian Doll, S02E01)
• "I gotta take a leak. My bladder's really fucking my dick tonight." (Russian Doll, S02E01)
• "I wish I knew what to say, but I'm just not taking the 6 train into my mom." (Russian Doll, S02E01)
• "You're not a creationist, are you?"
  "Ah, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to blame?" (Russian Doll, S02E03)
• "It's coexistence and lack of existence at once." (Russian Doll, S02E04)
• "Happy to remain a missed connection, okay?" (Russian Doll, S02E06)
• PrEP pamphlet (Russian Doll, S02E06)
• "Babies are true materialists." (Russian Doll, S02E07)
• </Russian Doll, S02>
• "Listen to me, you cracker motherfucker." (Snowfall, S05E10)
• </Snowfall, S05>
• "Jollof? I haven't heard of it."
  "It's as if your taste buds are being scammed by a Nigerian prince at a Burna concert." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "You're not worried about, you know, what the streets think?"
  "The streets? Man, fuck the streets. Man, I've shot niggas." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "So, is this your first time apologizing for white people?"
  "Apologizing?"
  "Yeah. It's the best. The dinners are amazing. I haven't paid for a meal in 73 police shootings." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "This movie is so crazy."
  "Yeah."
  "Is it Hamlet?"
  "Not quite. It's called Sharon Stone. It has a sequel." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "My nigga… Are you black?" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Khalil, man, I don't even know what your charity does, man."
  "It's like Blue Man Group, but activism." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Like, we sitting here, a bunch of black people…black-adjacent influencers…" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "That don't sound right when you say it. Does he say 'nigga' a lot?" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Naija Bowl: The Taste of Nigeria" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Yeah, brown jollof, shredded carrots, golden raisins, and kids jollof." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Oh, one Malibu and one cheesy jollof." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "It's a peach barbecue reduction and chunks." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Don't I gotta pay for this?"
  "No. It's on me. And your money is literally no good here. Card only." (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Nigga, I know what the fuck the red cross is! It's the worst one!" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "Do you remember on Nickelodeon around Halloween they'd have Nick or Treat?" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• ♫: BADBADNOTGOOD – "In Your Eyes [feat. Charlotte Day Wilson]" (Atlanta, S03E06)
• "There are no Fritos in that hole, Karl." (Outer Range, S01E04)
• "Is this a joke?"
  "No, it's the Proclaimers." (Slow Horses, S01E05)
• "From now on…you must kill me in your heart. You'll be better for it." (Pachinko, S01E07)
• ♫: Peace – "Lovesick" (Heartstopper, S01E01)
• Pirates of the Caribbean bi-sexua-lust (Heartstopper, S01E06)
• "Lesbians are so disgusting." (Heartstopper, S01E06)
• ♫: Lincoln – "Smokey Eyes" (Heartstopper, S01E07)
• "Oh, my god, I like you so much. And I love liking you." (Heartstopper, S01E08)
• </Heartstopper, S01>
• "Yeah, well, at least I didn't get a D in math, Corby."
  "Yeah, that's because I can never do my homework because I'm always editing your stupid videos."
  "I'm trying to set you up for life. Would you rather know geometry or be proficient in Adobe Premiere?"
  "Math."
  "No one gives a shit about triangles anymore, Corby." (Killing It, S01E04)
• "It looks like you've peed yourself."
  "That's just snake pee. The snake peed on top of my penis when he got scared. Right on top." (Killing It, S01E04)
• "You ever WOWO, work out with oxygen?" (Killing It, S01E04)
• "I'm 42, but I look 31, and fuck, I feel 14. I had a wet dream last night, motherfucker." (Killing It, S01E04)
• "You think you get a fucking say in this, Jarren? Do the fuck¡ng elves get to tell Santa which kids were naughty? No. What do the elves do? Nothing. They're just short losers." (Killing It, S01E04)
• "I can't put pressure on my right elbow. So I can't be on top during sex, which is, like, my best position. It's my go-to. It's the one I grew up doing the most. So it's only natural Robin's gonna be with somebody else. But as soon as my elbow is fixed, well, then I'm back on top. On top of my wife, on top of my life." (Killing It, S01E04)
• ♫: Bloodhound Gang – "Fire Water Burn" (Killing It, S01E04)

16. ♫: Backstreet Boys – "I Want It That Way" (Tokyo Vice, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

• Modestly teasing a future WrestleMania match between The Rock and Roman Reigns (Young Rock, S02E05)
• Roblox (The Kardashians, S01E01)
• Jalapeño hand job (Minx, S01E10)

Stray Observations

• "All they pick up in Sacramento is the clap." (Winning Time, S01E06)
• Wood and Steve Harris (Winning Time, S01E06)
• "What's your real name, Magic?"
  "Earvin."
  "Say 'presto' to that motherfucker. He's gone. That's the first cost of doin' business with the white man." (Winning Time, S01E06)
• "If you wanna celebrate after the game, party's at my place in the hills."
  "Come on up, man. We got it all. Man, we got white bitches, 7-Up, and cocaine." (Winning Time, S01E06)
• ♫: Pastor T.L. Barrett and the Youth for Christ Choir – "Nobody Knows" (Winning Time, S01E06)
• "The pet lesbians are here to take care of your pets."
  "Well, we're here to turn your pets into lesbians."
  "Oh, we are the Quantico of lesbianism for pets." (Better Things, S05E08)
• "Oh, you better have a lot of shit bags." (Better Things, S05E08)
• "I don't trust white South Africans." (Better Things, S05E08)
• "Whatever was special about me is gone."
  "Never gone. Just changing. Everything changes. Everything moves ever forward. One day, trash. Next day, you're wearing diamond earrings." (Better Things, S05E08)
• "Jesus does save. Indominus nabiscos." (Better Things, S05E08)
• "My dried flower arrangements are out there. They're Kelly Clarkson for Wayfair!" (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "The Town 2, colon, Town and Out? You're shooting LA for Boston?"
  "They're gonna change the palm trees to statues of John Adams. It'll be fine." (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "I figured I wasn't his type. Then he ended up marrying David Spade's stunt woman, so that's how wrong I was." (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "I'm not used to playing the BFF role, so I looked up some girl power quotes online. 'Being in the Spice Girls was an insane experience' – Melanie Chisholm."
  "Yeah, it was. Okay, I got this."
  "But remember, per human resources, you only get to ask once, so don't blow it."
  "Oh, yeah, okay."
  "If he wants to be your lover, he's got to get with your friends." (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "No, no, no, I'm the mayor."
  "Nice try. The mayor doesn't work 'til Friday, and he's Black. White mayors read as villains." (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "Guess what I did with the money."
  "Looks like you got fillers." (Mr. Mayor, S02E05)
• "I don't know why people act like it's hard to watch kids, anyway. Watch this. Hey, when I move, you move."
  "Just like that!" (Abbott Elementary, S01E13)
• "Jadakiss don't even know, but we 'bout to have, like, the craziest rap beef in rap beef history. 'Cause you know, he stole my laugh." (Abbott Elementary, S01E13)
• "You like dancing? Well, this dance is called 'the vac it up.'" (Abbott Elementary, S01E13)
• "T. rex, he's the meanest, got little arms, can't even touch his…"
  "Tariq! Tariq."
  "…head…because all the dinosaurs is dead." (Abbott Elementary, S01E13)
• "Kondo, you so crazy." (Abbott Elementary, S01E13)
• </Abbott Elementary, S01>
• "Your torment forged me. I owe my victory to you." (Moon Knight, S01E03)
• "But what if I was wrong? What if it's…it's too late?"
  "Then you'd better win." (Snowfall, S05E09)
• "If I got to kill a cop and go get another one…I will." (Snowfall, S05E09)
• ♫: Run DMC – "It's Like That" (Snowfall, S05E09)
• "So I urge you, Samantha, to consider everything you have to lose here. And as your people would say, 'Choose the right.'" (Tokyo Vice, S01E04)
• ♫: *NSYNC – "Tearin' Up My Heart" (Tokyo Vice, S01E04)
• "A man without enemies is no man at all." (Tokyo Vice, S01E04)
• "When you accept favors from the yakuza, you open a door. Once open, it is very hard to close. Lie down with dogs, rise up with fleas." (Tokyo Vice, S01E05)
• "They're the best. They're little chocolate biscuits shaped like mushroom." (Tokyo Vice, S01E05)

(Minx, S01E09)

• "My dick is above the law, brother." (Minx, S01E09)

(Minx, S01E09)

• "What about the cops?"
  "I called, but it's a peaceful protest of white men, a famously calm, reasonable people." (Minx, S01E10)
• "Who knew virgins could be so mean?" (Minx, S01E10)
• </Minx, S01>
• "We spoke earlier today at the show."
  "Show?"
  "The-the Paper Boi concert."
  "Oh… Uh, the rap presentation." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "I'm the white Liam Neeson, bruv." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "We're not gonna hurt you. Nobody's gonna die, Wiley."
  "We all have to die sometime. You know that? Maybe my end…should come at the hands of Paper Boi." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "Pookie stayed fucking her." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "Good cop?"
  "Bad cop."
  "Devastated cop." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "Were you told as a child 'you talk white'?"
  "Sometimes."
  "Must've made you feel separate."
  "What does that have to do with anything?"
  "Nothing, nothing. I think it's interesting when people aren't allowed in the group. The universal group. To be 'part of the team.' You know, people just want to be seen. Doesn't matter what for." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• "I'm so mad, I could kill this ni…oh, I'm so mad, man." (Atlanta, S03E05)
• ♫: The Temprees – "Dedicated to the One I Love" (Atlanta, S03E05)
• ♫: Leonard Cohen – "Avalanche" (Outer Range, S01E01)
• Singing Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing" in nothing but tighty whities (Outer Range, S01E02)
• "Royal, something to drink? Clamato?" (Outer Range, S01E02)
• "Thanks for the clam juice, Wayne." (Outer Range, S01E02)
• [♫: Coldplay – "The Scientist"]
  "Min, is there no way to turn that off?"
  "No. The CD's jammed in and the stereo doesn't turn off."
  "Can you at least change the song?"
  "It's stuck. It doesn't turn off. That's the issue."
  "Oh, my god." (Slow Horses, S01E04)
• "If anyone gets hurt, I'd rather it were Lamb. I can be sure of your silence. I won't lose any sleep over his." (Slow Horses, S01E04)
• "Prove that I mean more than those bitches from school." (Pachinko, S01E06)
• "Florida School of Excellence, class of '07. Go Titties! The old mascot was racist, so they let the students vote on a new one." (Killing It, S01E01)
• "Hey, that junkie's stealing drugs from a corpse!"
  "No, I wasn't! That's not what was happening! I wasn't stealing drugs! I was just— I just wanted to touch this dead man's dick! No law against that!"
  "There definitely is." (Killing It, S01E02)
• "I wanted to see how much trouble you were in."
  "It's only a misdemeanor since Silas can't press charges. It's actually a good loophole, stealing from a corpse."
  "You mean grave robbing?"
  "I guess I do mean grave robbing. Grave robbing is a life hack." (Killing It, S01E02)

(Killing It, S01E03)

(Killing It, S01E03)

• "I totally forgot. I'm already invested in the nighttime urination space." (Killing It, S01E03)
• "Craig, I want you to know how inspiring it was to hear about your struggle. Never stop struggling, okay?" (Killing It, S01E03)

15. Welcome to Jackass (WWE WrestleMania 38, 03 Apr 2022)

Stray Observations

(WWE WrestleMania 38, 03 Apr 2022)

• "Jerry, what the hell do I do about Kareem? It's a brick wall."
  "Well, don't offer him any pork." (Winning Time, S01E05)
• "You'll feel it when you're getting fisted." (Winning Time, S01E05)
• "You know what they say about Wood, right?"
  "What?"
  "Word on the street, dude cut the skin off his own dick."
  "Ooh!"
  "I heard that, too. Circumcised his own self with a rock and a razor." (Winning Time, S01E05)
• "I would just like to speak to everybody in the same room at the same time. 'Cause, once upon a time, I had three daughters."
  "Mm, it's not that hard."
  "Once upon a time, I had three children."
  "I'm not a child anymore."
  "Once upon a time, I had three offspring cunt trophies who used to interact with me, and now they only interact with their screens." (Better Things, S05E07)
• "Richard, I will meet you later at the Regal Beagle. I am getting a call now from Mr. Roper." (Better Things, S05E07)
• "Okay… Uncle Faggot will see you tonight at the gay party!" (Better Things, S05E07)
• Asian supermarket (Better Things, S05E07)
• A fish named Gefilte (Better Things, S05E07)
• "I have to tell you something. Remember back to school specials? Remember? Honey… She didn't have mono."
  "What?"
  "She was eating banana sandwiches. With mayonnaise." (Better Things, S05E07)
• "So after that, you're attending the LA River cleanup, where they'd love for you to drink just a little cup of water." (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• [Rat Corpses]
  "That gets its own bucket?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "People who wear beads can go to law school." (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "Jayden doesn't have the raw animosity to convincingly pass as a Scorpio."
  "You can do this, Jayden. Just, like, everyone you talk to is the person who canceled Ducktales."
  "Expressing anger already. Classic Scorpio."
  "You think you're so smart, it's embarrassing! You need to start thinking about what I want to do with my Saturdays, not steal my joy like some sort of corporate Magica De Spell." (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "Jayden, did you get that Scorpio duty done like we had communicated about?"
  "Uh, no, not yet."
  "Okay, Jayden, I mean, let's do it before her water breaks, okay?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "I also own a biker bar in WeHo as Big Butch Betty Bodean."
  "Oh, no."
  "It was a different time in comedy." (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "Stay. Tuned. For. Sexy. Cop. Trash." (Mr. Mayor, S02E04)
• "I wish I could just read something, but this superintendent is out to get me. He's gonna be throwing curves like that lady gym." (Abbott Elementary, S01E12)
• "Yeah, discretionary funds can be used to nurture students artistically so they can grow up and do that graffiti that bougie people don't get mad at."
  "You mean a mural?" (Abbott Elementary, S01E12)
• "No. Y'all not about to rush me out of here like I'm Lil Mama at the VMAs." (Abbott Elementary, S01E12)
• "And it's not like y'all been making it rain up in here. We've been taking appetizer money and giving these kids a charcuterie experience." (Abbott Elementary, S01E12)
• "Did you… Did you shake someone down for me?"
  "I shook someone down for us." (Abbott Elementary, S01E12)

(Moon Knight, S01E02)

• "It's a paperweight."
  "Where'd you get it?"
  "Paperweight shop." (Moon Knight, S01E02)
• Mandarin? (Moon Knight, S01E02)
• "Would she kill a child for something they might do in 30 years?"
  "I'm glad you mentioned that. Sometimes, the cure is a little taste of the disease. The difference between medicine and poison sometimes is only dosage. Consider a diseased limb. Amputation, horrific and grotesque, is necessary for the larger health."
  "But the child is not a diseased limb. Sorry, is that…? Is that what…? You're all into that, like, killing children and that? Maybe that's just me, but that's… I kind of draw a line there at child murder." (Moon Knight, S01E02)
• "You're in the wrong ends, mate." (Moon Knight, S01E02)
• "Wagwan!" (Moon Knight, S01E02)
• "I got a son that puts white people above their father and money before God." (Snowfall, S05E08)

Background (Snowfall, S05E08)

• "Your life is my failure." (Snowfall, S05E08)
• Fredo kiss (Snowfall, S05E08)
• "Things could be worse. You could be living in Missouri." (Tokyo Vice, S01E02)
• "Fuck¡ng love manga."
  "Really?"
  "Yeah. Dragon Head? So good."
  "Do you know 20th Century Boys?" (Tokyo Vice, S01E03)
• "Joyce, I got reporters calling me from everywhere — from the San Francisco Chronicle, from the Philadelphia Inquirer."
  "That's a lesser paper." (Minx, S01E07)
• "There are no coincidences. Chairman Mao taught me that." (Minx, S01E07)
• "You really think we're gonna be sitting here in 40 years talking about Goldie Hawn?"
  "Not just her, her children. She's going to start an empire."
  "That's not a world I want to live in." (Minx, S01E07)
• "Were we slave owners?"
  "No, we— Do you see any slaves in our backyard?"
  "Mr. Pedro."
  "Mr. Pe—? No, I pay Mr. Pedro." (Atlanta, S03E04)
• "Did you get your results back?"
  "69% Ashkenazi Jew, baby!"
  "You're Jew? Eh, you're Jewish?"
  "The world can finally know. We were slaves, too."
  "The Austro-Hungarians were slaves as well."
  "Come on, Marshall. That was like a million years ago." (Atlanta, S03E04)

(Atlanta, S03E04)

• "You honestly want my advice?"
  "Uh, yes."
  "Look, man, I grew up with Black women."
  "Right. I figured."
  "The only thing you can do is say you were wrong and give her as much money as you can. She'll probably want to meet with you one-on-one, cut you down a bi—"
  [cut to asking white co-workers for advice] (Atlanta, S03E04)

Changing skin color (Atlanta, S03E04)

• "This could have easily happened to you."
  "I'm Peruvian. This would never happen to me."
  "Per— You were white yesterday!" (Atlanta, S03E04)
• "I have a feeling we're in the same boat, Marshall." « S03E01 (Atlanta, S03E04)
• "Confession is not absolution." (Atlanta, S03E04)
• "I've got other things I could do tonight, Diana. I've got a really massive shit brewin'. I could sit and read a book and birth that beauty." (Slow Horses, S01E03)
• </Severance, S01>